On Sunday, after I had a cry, telling my mum I SI, and then her crying a few hours later, she said she'd ring the doctors on Tuesday, ie today and make an appointment for me.
I didn't go to see him.
She did, though.
She's just been telling me about what was said, and I am worried...
He said that if my mum is worried about me hurting myself...they will admit me. LIKE HELL THEY WILL!. I am not going to spend who knows how long in a ward where the only thing it'll do is make me feel a whole lot worse than I already do now. Thankfully, my mum agrees, and declined that 'offer'.
Another thing he asked her was do I ever feel suicidal, to which the answer is yes. He also asked would I ever actually attempt to commit suicide, to which my mum answered no. He then asked her about how sure she was about that and she said quite sure. When she got home she said to me
"I'm going to ask you something and I just want the truth. When you're feeling really bad, and you feel like you can't take it anymore, would you ever kill yourself?"
To which I answered no. Because I never would. I do not want to die and that is one thing I am sure of.
She seemed relieved at my answer (although I've told her on past occasions that I never would).
Dr Verma (My GP), couldn't do anything at that point but he said that in the morning he will personally ring Dr Murugananthan and explain the situation to him. Dr Verma thinks I need help. I think I also think I need help.
Dr Verma is a nice doctor. I don't often say that either. But he is. He even rang my mum to make sure I was ok and that she was, at 9pm.
I'm beginning to get worried now, though. About what lies ahead. The admittance thing, I know I don't have to worry about, but it will always be there in the back of my mind somewhere. Then there's going to see Dr Murugananthan again, who I really do not like. I'll give him another chance, but if I come away with the same impression of him I did last time, I won't be going for a third appointment with him, no matter what.
My mum wanted to know if I've SI'ed anymore since 2 days ago. I told her yes. She asked where. I said on my arm. She asked anywhere else. I said no. She asked with what. I told her it doesn't matter what with, nor does it matter where or how many times. I'm not going to give her a running commentary on every cut that emerges on me. There's no point in it.
So, to summarise:
1) My mum knows I SI
2) Dr Verma now knows I SI
3) I am more than likely to see Dr Murugananthan again.
4) (Hopefully) my mum knows I would never kill myself.
5) My arms will more than likely get worse.
6) I am worried.
And they say teen years are the best years...
11:02pm
