I don't even know why i'm still up and awake. It's not like I have anything that needs doing, or even anything that I want to do. I think i'm scared of going to bed. Knowing that when I wake up this will just repeat itself; get up, eat, drink, type, listen, sleep. Fun-filled, I think you'll agree. I think I'll go to bed after I've wrote this, though.
I want to talk to people tonight, if they are on. I miss them. It seems like I haven't talked to them for ages, when in reality it's only been 4 days at most since I last talked to them (them as in more than one btw). I don't think anyone realises how much I need these people to talk to. Otherwise I really would not have anyone in the 'real world' to talk to, since my friends decided to desert me for one reason or another. I still haven't figured out why either. So basically if I lose these people I love talking to, I lose a lot. I know I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. That'd be too much to ask - to find someone who wants me as much as I do them. As long as they at least want me around, though I'll settle for that. Otherwise, as I said, I wouldn't have no one, and these people I really really want.
I'm just thinking about and where I could make friends other than on the PC, and I really can't think. People keep telling me to 'get out and meet people'...what they don't tell me is where, and how do I 'make friends'. More to the point, how do I make friends when I feel pressured, and/or anxious around most people? It's so hard for me to be around people sometimes. Putting on a mask saying 'I'm normal'. It's hard. Only a handful of people understand how hard it is, and it's those people who have usually gone through the same thing. Everyone else can only just begin to understand what it's like, and unfortunatly, some people choose to take the opposite route to understanding, and attack instead. And when they do attack, it hurts so much.
Hopefully I will be going to see Ken on Monday. I really would like to see him now. Just to talk to someone, face to face. Talking online to someone and talking face to face with someone is so much different, and I haven't had much face to face experience with anyone. I miss it. I have too much stuff in my mind that I want to talk about with people, but I have no one to talk about it with, except for online. I know Ken isn't what I want either, though. I want someone my own age, who knows who and what I am. I could narrow it down further and say I want a girl. I want a friend too. A girlfriend perhaps? Yes, definitly. I felt happy while I was more than a friend to someone. Even if it was for only a short period of time. It was so nice. To lose it hurts more than it did before I had it at all. I know that a girlfriend would never solve the way I feel totally, though. That's a medical job, not a question of a relationship with someone.
I think I write more when I've not had sleep. Don't you think?
I think i'm running out of things to say now though. Well, things that I can say here, where everyone sees. There's stuff I want to say, but know I can't, because I know my feelings and thoughts wouldn't be recieved with the warmest welcome, even though they are nothing but good thoughts. Perhaps worrying ones, as well, though.
It's hard to keep stuff inside, when you want to let it out so much, but don't to protect people. Protect them from me I suppose.
I think i'm done. For now.
12:20pm
