I went to see Dr Murugananthan today...
WHOLE LOT OF GOOD THAT DONE!
After waiting for 3 months to see him, he gave me just 15 minutes of his time to tell me nothing is wrong with me. How the hell can he say that!
I'm so bloody angry.
Speaking of bloody...
I've been cutting again. I took my anger out on myself and now I have 3 more red lines on my arm, to join the other 6 I made a few days ago. And there's nothing wrong? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG!?
!!!...
My mum came into my room after we'd been to Dr Murugananthan. For an hour. To put it all into a few words she said "Cheer up Neil, things aren't that bad". One thing I cannot stand is that. The fact that if they're not feeling so empty and lifeless then they have no clue as to why anyone else feels like that. Well I feel like that. And a few positive words from my mother will not change this. She has everything so wrong. She thinks she understands me, which, she definitly does not. She doesn't know me.
I was in the process of making the aforementioned 3 lines turn into 4 when she came up my stairs. I put the nail tack (yes, a nail tack. That's what I use...) back in a box with drawing pins and other tacks. They've been in my room for a few weeks now, I just haven't bothered to take them down (not anything to do with the SI thing, honestly - but now it is). So I'm sitting there, arm slightly bleeding, trying to look like i'm not too pissed off. Well, actually that's a lie. I didn't change my mood, and stayed pissed off, though I placed my arm on my leg so she didn't see the new cuts.
She sat on my bed and I sat in my chair for an hour. Then I must of moved my arm a little because:
"Look at your arm Neil!"
"Yeah, the cat did it"
(Jokingly) "Looks like you've been self hurting"
"No, it was the cat"
9 cuts on my arm and she still believes it was the cat? And she thinks she knows me? Hmm. I'd kept my arm in the same place so long I now have blood on my trousers. Nice eh? Umm.
Why don't you just tell her? I've asked myself this question a few times now. The only answer I can think of is that she wouldn't be able to understand. She doesn't understand now even. I don't want to get her anymore worried about me either. I'm sure she thinks I'm gonna top myself soon (Which I am not). So telling her "oh by the way mum, know all those cuts on my arm? I did them, not the cat". I don't think she'd be able to handle it. It's gonna be hard to keep it from her any longer, though, since a) I will almost certainly do it again b) I never wear any long sleeve shirts or a jumper. I think that as the pressure builds and builds, i'm gonna have to tell her at some point.
I'm going to see Ken on Tuesday, I've just been informed.
Ken is the replacement councillor at Kirkby College for Carol, the one who I was seeing at the end of December. I didn't stop seeing her, she's ill though now. I dunno what exactly. I haven't seen her since December.
My mum used to go to Kirkby College too. Ken is her friend and he knows her well. Well enough to know what her son might be like, in terms of not being the same as the rest of the teens around here. My mum asked me about 2 months ago did I wanna see him, and I said no. Why? Because I guess at the time I didn't want to, plus I was hoping that going to the docs today would maybe help. Unfortunatly it didn't.
Carol, and the councilling did help slightly. She was really nice to talk to, and didn't treat me like I was dumb. I also think that Ken won't. Hopefully.
Where one door closes another one opens perhaps?
I'm losing hope, yet apparantly all is not lost.
Looking at both my arms, I think I'd need a skin graph to get my arms looking normal again, the amount of cuts and scars I have on them.
So, right now, I'm calming down from how I felt before and after I went to Dr Murugananthan. I've took my anger out on myself and, for now, I will leave the cutting utensils alone. For now. I really don't want to do it again, but I know that I will.
I'm sorry.
1:42pm
