[21:50:38] Neil: I feel quite ill
[21:50:53] Neil: and silly
[21:50:54] < Abe >: ooer
[21:50:59] < Abe >: In what way?
[21:52:55] Neil: Remember I told you about the girl I like more than anyone I can think of? The one who I want to cuddle lots and just be with but has a boyfriend? She broke up with her boyfriend on Friday. On Monday, me, her and my best mate went out. My best mate made a move on her and it pissed me off because he knows I've liked her for the last two years. And now because he made a move, he wants to pursue it. And I feel like it's unfair on her and on me.
The girl in question is Alycia. A friend on my course. I've liked her since day one of University. That was two years ago. I have never stopped liking her. She has been with a boyfriend for those two years up until Friday.
[21:53:15] < Abe >: Tell him
[21:53:33] < Abe >: Good friends don't do that
[21:53:44] Neil: He knows I'm pissed off.
[21:53:48] Neil: But he doesn't understand
[21:54:16] Neil: And he also doesn't understand that the last thing she needs is someone coming onto her when her head is messed up currently
[21:54:45] < Abe >: Well then tell him if he carries you're going to have to stop hanging round him because it isn't right
[21:55:19] Neil: We went back to her house after going out with all of her housemates as well. We ended up sleeping on her bed. And I know that if I wasn't there, he would have tried to shag her. So, all of yesterday, I sat in my bedroom feeling absolutely shit about it all. And it's rolled over to today as well
[21:55:28] Neil: I feel physically sick because of it
[21:55:33] Neil: And that makes me feel silly
[21:55:47] Neil: I haven't felt like this before.
[21:55:48] < Abe >: Well it's understandable because you really like this girl
[21:55:51] < Abe >: And have for so long
[21:56:06] < Abe >: And to think a good friend would go and just be so selfish
[21:56:23] < Abe >: You want her and if he got her you wouldn't have any chance
Me and Alycia had such a long conversation on Tuesday night. She knew I was upset. She didn't know why. She asked Tom why and he asked me what he should say to her. I told him to tell her that we had had a problem on Monday night and that we were working on it. She kept asking questions though. I couldn't tell her how I feel about her when she's just broken up from her boyfriend. It would be wrong.
[21:57:14] Neil: He just sees her as an opportunity to follow up on the fact that she was quite drunk and probably quite, well, vulnerable and so he was dancing with her and putting his hands on her from behind. He saw that I wasn't pleased about it.
[21:57:35] < Abe >: Have you said anything about it to him?
[21:58:56] Neil: I talked to him all last night about it. He gets frustrated though. Because he just sees it an opportunity with a girl like any other girl and that I'm getting in the way.
[21:59:57] Neil: I talked to her, Alycia, from 10pm until 4:30am doing my best to be the best friend I could and console her, rather than come onto her.
[22:01:47] Neil: He doesn't understand that she is incredibly vulnerable. He just wants me to tell her how I feel and tell her why I'm upset. But she's just broken up with her boyfriend of two years. The last thing she needs is more to deal with.
[22:02:21] < Abe >: Well he sounds like a knob
[22:02:50] Neil: He really isn't. He's a great mate. but he can be impatient and gets frustrated easily.
[22:03:07] < Abe >: Well ok he sounds selfish then
[22:03:36] < Abe >: If he sees her as a target then tell him to back off and find someone else
[22:03:45] Neil: He won't now
[22:03:56] < Abe >: You like her much more than to let her even be treated like an easy lay
[22:04:11] Neil: I've had her on my MSN list since April or so since last year. He added her yesterday.
[22:04:59] Neil: I spent five hours yesterday trying to cheer her up and give her the best advice I could. He spent this afternoon flirting with her.
[22:05:15] < Abe >: So you say you can't stop him, and he's a great friend, so there's really not much you can do bt distance yourself from the situation
[22:05:30] < Abe >: Or
[22:05:32] < Abe >: Tell her
[22:05:48] < Abe >: Tell her that he's making moves because he thinks she'll want a rebound
[22:06:32] Neil: I was meant to go out with him tonight. But like I said...I feel physically ill because of this. Such a horribel feeling in my stomach. She's out tonight too. And I'm worried that since both he and she are going to the same place, something will happen.
[22:06:57] < Abe >: sigh
[22:07:17] < Abe >: Stop hanging round him
[22:07:36] Neil: I can't. He's my best mate at uni. We're in every class together.
[22:07:48] < Abe >: Well then you're fucked
[22:07:58] < Abe >: You can distance yourself from him
[22:08:27] < Abe >: And it'll be annoying and difficult but if he's going to be selfish enough to choose an easy lay over a good friend then what a bastard
[22:09:14] Neil: I told him that I want to give her at least a month to get her head sorted before even considering telling her anything. But as I say, he is impatient.
This is what is getting me down the most. The fact that my best mate is trying to make a move on a girl that he knows I've liked for two years. Not only that, but he's doing it at the most inappropriate time. Not only that, but he's not giving me a chance to simply express how I've felt for so long about this girl.
[22:10:27] < Abe >: I think it's horrible for someone to ignore something like that because they don't want to miss an opporunity
[22:10:47] < Abe >: If one of my friends was like that I'd stop talking to them
[22:12:12] < Abe >: You just don't go for someone your friend is practically in love with
[22:12:19] < Abe >: And maybe a month is too long
[22:13:39] Neil: I've essentially come to that conclusion and that scares the fuck out of me. I don't like thinking that. "Practically in love". I can't be. It doesn't make sense for me to be.
When I woke up on Tuesday, that's all I could think about. Love? How can I love her? And yet no girl has managed to make me feel as upset as what happened on Monday and what has unfolded since. Love is such a powerful word and I never use it out of context. But here is a friend telling me that that's what this is. Love. That scares me.
[22:15:26] Neil: If my mate slept with her I don't know what I'd do.
[22:16:00] < Abe >: He definitely needs to know that
[22:16:15] Neil: I'd feel both heartbroken and annoyed that he's taken advantage of not someone I care about, but someone who is vulnerable. But I care abotu him too. Like I say, best mate. You can't just disown a mate either.
[22:16:55] < Abe >: Yeah but if he was to sleep with her he's making a decision to ignore your feelings to get his cock out
[22:17:05] Neil: pretty much
[22:21:33] < Abe >: If he gets her then it could develop into something else, and then every day you'll have to face the knowledge that he has her and you don't
[22:21:43] < Abe >: And you'll have to hang round them both
[22:21:49] < Abe >: All the time
[22:22:15] Neil: I don't have too much of a problem telling her that I like her. But when the time is right.
[22:22:19] Neil: And now is not the time
[22:22:52] < Abe >: I agree, you shouldn't have to tell her it just because someone else wants to get into her pants
[22:23:42] < Abe >: I'd stop worrying so much, she doesn't seem the type to want to dive to a rebound
[22:24:04] < Abe >: Maybe she just sees him as being friendly
[22:24:08] < Abe >: Everyone flirts
[22:24:25] Neil: She does. But because she's friendly back, he sees it as an opportunity
[22:24:50] < Abe >: Then he is a cock
[22:26:24] Neil: Because he's quite good with confidence in clubs, and because we're both friends with Alycia, it's so much easier for him to just stand behind her and start dancing. And she takes it as him being friendly of course. But it's more than friendly on his part.
[22:27:00] < Abe >: Well then he can have his delusions
[22:27:11] < Abe >: SHe's not interested
[22:28:05] Neil: I'd rather her not be interested in either of us and maybe I could just get back to being her mate like I always have been. But the sad fact is she'd probably go for him over me anyway
[22:28:38] < Abe >: And that's life
[22:29:59] Neil: I looked at pictures of me and then of him and based on everything I know about them both, they'd probably have more in common. He even looks like her ex in some ways. But I need to tell her how I feel. It just can't be now
[22:35:09] Neil: She seems to really appreciate having someone to talk to about everything and knowing she feels better makes me feel better in some ways. And I'll continue to do everything I can for her. I would rather her even get back with her boyfriend so everything goes back to the way it was
[22:35:24] < Abe >: Buy her something nice!
[22:36:25] Neil: Giving her anything would be a sign that I like her. Or at least give her a clue. And I really think it'd be wrong to do that to her just yet.
[22:37:34] Neil: I told her I'd buy her flowers for Valentine's day. I told her that two weeks ago. But I think she took it as a friendly gesture, rather than me hinting that I like her.
[22:40:41] Neil: I'm supposed to go into class tomorrow at 2pm. Both she and Tom will be there. But I don't feel like going at all
[22:42:28] Neil: I've done no work all day. No girl has ever made me feel like this. I've liked loads of girls. Fancied them. But none that have made me feel...lovesick?
[22:43:45] Neil: All I keep thinking about is Andrew Lincoln and Keira knightley in Love Actually.
[22:43:51] < Abe >: Never seen it
[22:45:21] Neil: Andrew Lincoln has a best mate in it who gets married to Keira Knightley. But Lincoln loves her. And he goes out of his way to make her wedding incredible, even though he isn't the one getting married to her. Eventually he turns up outside her door with 10 large signs with writing on, simply saying that he does not have the words to describe how he feels for her so he's writing them for her instead.
[22:45:57] Neil: And that actually made me tear up writing that.
[22:50:34] Neil: I don't know if I can even face going in tomorrow. Tom thinks everything is ok now. I saw him earlier when I went and paid for my ticket to the club I was going to tonight. But I don't know what's happening right now in the bar they're both at right now.
[22:50:54] Neil: And I know that since Tom lives with six laddish lads, they'll all simply egg him on to pull her
[22:52:50] Neil: I was even thinking of leaving her favourite chocolate on her doorstep while she's in lesson, not saying who it's from, just a note that I hope it cheers her up a little
[22:52:59] < Abe >: Hmm
[22:53:26] < Abe >: I don't think an anon gift is the best
[22:53:37] < Abe >: It kind of says someone unknown is making moves
[22:53:56] < Abe >: If something was a gift from you at least she knows you're doing it to cheer her up
And that is essentially the single most important thing that has happened since I last updated. Nothing else matters right now. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to like her as much as I do. I would be incredibly happy if she got back with her boyfriend so things could go back to the way they were. I don't mind not having her, but I do mind my supposedly best friend trying to and at the wrong time and for reasons which aren't as well meaning as mine. It's completely unfair.
As I'm writing this entry, Tom's just called me from the club he's in. I heard his voice and then I heard Alycia's too. And that just makes me worry more. It makes me worry a hell of a lot about what he's going to say tomorrow. It makes me worry that he's going to tell me he kissed her or worse, went back to hers. And there's nothing I can do about it.
It was incredibly hard talking to her on Tuesday evening and not being able to tell her why I was so upset. I had put a simple :( as my display picture and had forgotten that she would see it.
[22:40:01] lys: how come u got an unhappy smiley 4 ur pic?
[22:40:57] Neil: Feeling quite sad, but it's ok. I'll be fine. Don't worry about it.
[22:41:10] lys: aww - whats up?
[22:41:27] lys: u can talk 2 me!
[22:43:21] Neil: It's ok, I'm afraid with this one, no one can help out. Gonna have to sort this out myself...god only knows how
[22:43:53] Neil: Don't worry about me. Just focus on you being happy instead. (Y)
[22:45:02] lys: well i will worry bout u coz ur my friend n i care!
[22:46:20] Neil: Thanks :)
[23:01:06] lys: u feelin any happier yet?
[23:02:20] lys: i think u need some galaxy choc
[23:03:15] Neil: Nah not feeling happier but I do really appreciate you caring.
[23:04:23] lys: well what r m8s 4 eh?
[23:04:50] Neil: You're a good mate
[23:05:04] lys: well i do try! lol
[23:06:13] Neil: The song you're listening to is how I feel! [It was 'I'm Not Okay' by MCR']
[23:06:28] lys: yer - how i feel actually
[23:09:00] Neil: Because you're hungover or because of everything in general?
[23:09:18] lys: 2 complicated 2 get in2 reli
[23:09:35] lys: spent 3 hours on the fone 2 matt, n now my mind is incredably fucked
[23:09:39] Neil: Know that feeling well right now
It took her a while to realise I was playing it too.
[23:39:52] lys: aww, ur listening 2 mcr now
[23:40:00] lys: cheer up!
[23:40:03] Neil: Yup, you made me listen!
[23:41:11] lys: its a fab song but still - smile!!!
[23:41:16] lys: listen 2 happy songs
While talking to her, I had also been talking to Tom about the problem, while at the same time, she was trying to understand why I was so upset.
[23:37:10] Tom: shes just asked me why your upset
[23:37:15] Tom: what shall i say?
[23:37:52] Tom: iv said it complicated
[23:37:55] Neil: I've been trying to think of something for the last hour or so. Instead, I'm just trying to make her feel happy instead. Makes me feel better knowing she feels better.
[23:38:22] Tom: yeah ut the fat she knows your unhappy is negating from that
[23:39:53] Tom: what shall i say mate this is pissin me off
[23:40:34] Neil: Say we fell out about something. But that it's fine.
[23:40:50] Tom: she just said you are playing the same song she had on by My chemical romance
[23:41:04] Tom: shes gunna be onto this if it carries on
[23:41:11] Tom: gettin a little obviou
[23:41:40] Tom: i cant keep this up mate
[23:41:48] Neil: Just tell her not to worry about it
[23:41:51] Tom: she reckons you hate the world
[23:44:17] Tom: she said she doesnt like sad Neil
[23:44:33] Tom: shall I ask her what she thinks of you?
[23:45:13] Neil: No mate. Seriously. No talk about any of that stuff. Because even though I want to, it'll mess her head up more. And that's incredibly unfair on her. Would be totally out of order.
[23:45:47] Neil: Tell her me and you had a problem last night and we've sorted it.
[23:46:04] Tom: who put it into your head that she is gunna have a mental breakdown if one of us says we like her?
[23:46:20] Neil: She will right now mate.
[23:46:24] Tom: why?
[23:46:46] Neil: Because she's only just broken up from her ex and doesn't need the further hassle of someone else to think about. Not right now.
[23:52:58] Tom: but mate ill tell ya this now, Im gunna try and not get involved with her wherever possible but if anything further should happen what are ya gunna do?
[23:53:57] Tom: to be fair wev got enough to think about as it is right now
[23:54:04] Tom: this isnt wanted or needed
[23:54:07] Tom: but there it is
[23:54:22] Neil: I'll be quite honest mate, if I saw you with her, as in with her, would actually break my heart. Know that's not what you wanna hear but yeah. You know I've got this insane thing for her. And you and her would seriously do me in.
[23:54:54] Neil: So, as I said, I'm forgetting the problem arose and getting on with being your mate and more importantly, being her mate. Just a mate.
[23:55:14] Tom: why did ya just say that then if ya just wanna be mates?
[23:56:15] Neil: I don't wanna be just mates with her, I'm saying that thinking about being more than mates is just gonna mess my head up like it is now so I'm just saying that we keep things simple for now.
[23:56:56] Tom: The way I see it mate is if you cant have her noone can
[23:58:08] Neil: Nah not like that. Like I said to you on Friday, I felt quite concerned when she went out the mac room crying. I'd rather her actually just get back with her boyfriend so things can go back to the way they were.
[00:00:19] Tom: Shes asking me what your saying now
[00:00:27] Tom: Cant stand this
[00:01:07] Neil: Can we agree that for at least a month, this is just forgotten about yeah?
[00:01:34] Tom: dude ya cant just forget this kind of thing like a bad dream. ever time were at Kingsway shes gunna be there
[00:01:45] Tom: and now shes gunna be asking us questions about this
[00:01:52] Tom: gunna get worse and worse and worse
While talking to Tom, Alycia was trying her best to continue talking to me, noticing that my replies had gotten shorter and there were a lack of smiley faces everywhere that I usually do with her.
[23:57:26] lys: u feelin any better yet? has my magic worked? lol
[23:57:54] lys: ive been subconsciously sending happy fairy dust 2 u 2 make u happy
[23:57:56] lys: lol
[23:59:19] Neil: If I told you, it'd make you feel bad too because you're already feeling bad. I'll tell you when you're not down too! I can deal with this on my own, it's ok. But you need support so I can put my problems second and yours first.
[00:00:00] lys: im ur m8 2. i shud b puttin my probs 2 one side n helpin u
...not this time. I just can't tell her right now when she's going through so much.
[00:04:21] Tom: fuck sake, shes saying shes worried about us now
[00:04:37] Tom: It did last night
[00:04:48] Neil: Last night it did yeah. Because that's the first time it's happened.
[00:05:30] Tom: Im goin bed now gettin annoyed n gunna say summat so im guna log of and sleep on it
[00:07:24] Tom: shes just told me she hates men and has ended the coversation great
[00:08:43] Tom: My housemates think Im dead pissed of with you tho
[00:08:47] Tom: im not tho
[00:08:53] Neil: You pissed off with me? Why?
[00:09:20] Tom: They see it that I pulled a bird and you stopped any action. They dont know the finer details
[00:09:41] Tom: anyway night
[00:09:44] Neil: Night mate
And that was Tom away for the night, leaving me in no better of a position than I was a few hours earlier. I continued to talk to Alycia, though. I asked her to let me and Tom work it out without her asking about it.
[00:14:43] Neil: Me and Tom fell out about something last night and it rolled over into tonight because we've been talking about it. We're not pissed off at each other or anything like that. Just a bit of a problem between us that we haven't quite sorted, but I've simply said that I'd rather just forget it happened and get back to being mates.
[00:15:58] lys: ok - i dnt want u2 falling out6
[00:16:10] lys: ill have 2 bang ur heads 2gether!
[00:18:42] Neil: Usually, it's a good thing to talk about why you're upset like with your problem, but this one, it really is better if it's just left alone instead because there isn't actually an answer to the problem. Not right now anyway. So if we can just forget about it it'll be better. But that means you not asking us about it too. Don't mean that in a nasty way though. You have no idea how much I appreciate the fact that you do actually care. :)
[00:19:27] lys: ok - if thats what ya want i wnt bring it up
[00:21:54] lys: u need 2 listen 2 athletes 1st album - its v relaxing
[00:22:00] Neil: i have it :)
[00:22:21] lys: 1 of my all time fav albums
[00:22:24] Neil: Same
[00:22:49] Neil: This is what you play when you're falling asleep after a night out
[00:23:10] lys: yer - wish id put this on last night!
[00:26:01] lys: its actually quite good 2 have a cry to - as ive just found out! lol
[00:26:27] Neil: You'll make me cry!
[00:26:36] lys: no i wont!!
[00:26:54] lys: ur not an emotional hormonal girl so u not got any excuse!
[00:28:03] Neil: No but any guy would agree that seeing a girl they care about cry is like a knife in the heart. Doesn't matter what it's about. It just turns us into mush.
And on Friday, when she went out of the room at uni, crying, it got to me. But I didn't know what to do at the time.
[00:33:51] lys: if u were in the room slightly earlier u wuda herd my phone convo - i wasnt bein particularly quiet! lol
[00:34:27] Neil: Tom told me. Sorry you had to actually have that conversation.
[00:35:06] lys: i think danny heard the worst parts lol
[00:35:57] lys: its ok, its in the past now. im jst not gona think about it anymore
[00:36:55] Neil: Guys can be bloody annoying. ...but then so can girls! Guy trouble...girl trouble...we're all a bunch of bastards!
[00:37:11] lys: lol
[00:37:24] lys: girls dnt cause truble - its always the men
[00:37:35] lys: lol
[00:37:57] Neil: Oh I don't know about that. I think girls know how to play guys to their advantage because it's usually the guy who goes after the girl.
[00:38:31] lys: lol
[00:39:05] Neil: I've never actually tried it on with a girl in a club or anything like that, but there are many times when I've wished I did
All the time, trying to hint to her that I have feelings for her.
After that and pretty much up until 4:30am, I did my very very best to take her mind off being upset about her ended relationship and instead, simply get to know her more as a friend. We asked each other lots of questions about each other. How we were when we were younger, where we'd like to be in five years time and was she happy when she was younger. I felt like I had become much closer to her in the space of five or six hours because we had both been trying to make each other happier. All while she was oblivious to the fact that she (indirectly of course) is the reason I was upset.
This is what really made us closer, though:
[02:32:11] lys: right ok, whats the hardest thing u have ever had to do?
[02:34:59] Neil: My cat. He became very ill over the course of a few days. One night, he didn't come home, even though I left the door open for him all night and called him. He always used to answer to my voice. Used to come running. 30 hours later, I was really worried and even printed off 40 flyers to post around my block asking had they seen him. No reply from anyone. But next door had a shed where he used to sleep. But they had been out all day. I waited until 5pm so I could ask if he was in their shed. He was. He'd died in there.
[02:35:27] Neil: My heart sank and went into their back garden. And he was just laying there, curled up on the floor, but dead
[02:35:28] lys: aww no]
[02:35:39] lys: :(
[02:36:49] Neil: I picked him up and he was so damn frozen stiff. It was horrible. I carried him back to my house and just did not know what to do. I lived on my own at the time so it was just me. I spent an hour trying to get through to the rspca to ask what the hell to do and they said I had to bury him in my garden. But I just couldn't do it.
[02:38:13] Neil: So at 7pm, I ended up having to take him in his cage to a vet and asked them to cremate him. And then I had to leave and three days later, pick up his ashes. I scattered them in his favourite sleeping spot in my garden. So at least he's still there in thought.
[02:38:25] Neil: Hardest thing ever.
[02:39:08] lys: aww, that does sound difficult
[02:39:40] Neil: made me tear up so much writing that
[02:40:05] lys: aww hun (})
I've told that to a few people but I've learnt not to start crying over it anymore. But with the weight of all that has happened, I just couldn't help it on this occasion. It was an excuse to finally let go and the tears ran down my face. Sitting there, all I wanted to do was write a single sentence explaining why I was feeling the way I was. I didn't though.
Instead, she told me about how one of her friends had died when she was really young.
[02:53:16] lys: its not somethin i tell many ppl - they dnt normally understand
[02:54:04] Neil: I lost my Dad when I was 8. Died of a heart attack. I understand only too well what you must have felt and what you must still feel.
[02:54:58] lys: oh god - sorry 4 bringin it up if thats upset u. im lucky enough 2 have both parents
[02:56:24] Neil: No, it doesn't upset me, it's ok. :)
[02:56:47] lys: im glad u can share things like that with me
[02:57:17] Neil: I'm glad you can too
[02:57:52] lys: :)
I've never had that kind of openess with a friend that I've actually known in person as well. All of my friends that I know in person are guys and guys just don't open up in the same way.
The conversation was getting a little heavy. So she suggested lightening it up.
[02:58:01] lys: shall we lighten the convo up a bit!
[02:58:12] Neil: Boobs. Everyone loves boobs.
[02:58:21] lys: oo yeah! lol
[02:59:03] Neil: Ask away. :)
[02:59:11] lys: hmm
[02:59:14] lys: lol
[02:59:42] lys: how mny ppl u slept with?
[03:00:45] Neil: 4
[03:01:00] lys: mines 6
[03:01:34] Neil: Could be 50 but you'd still just be Alycia to me. :)
Again, just hints that I just want her, no matter what she has done.
We talked about relationships, sex, and each others sex lives. Nothing invasive, just general stuff. It was actually her who initiated it. It was nice knowing about each others past. I really believe it made us closer. Maybe she doesn't see it that way, but it certainly made me feel closer to her knowing that I could actually tell her the stuff that I did.
For the next hour and a half, that's all we did really, just talk. Get to know each other. Intensely, almost, I suppose. She went to bed eventually. She was the only reason I was still sitting in front of the computer. Simply to make sure she was ok and not feeling too unhappy. At nearly 5am, she decided to go.
[04:44:14] Neil: Night night then. xxx Been good talking tonight for some reason.
[04:44:19] lys: tnx 4 chattin btw, and the advice
[04:44:24] Neil: Always there for you.
[04:44:36] lys: n im here 4 u if u ever need me!
[04:44:37] lys: lol
[04:44:40] lys: nite xxx
[04:44:42] Neil: xxx
[04:44:48] lys is now Offline
And that was that.
I'm a rational person and I am always of the opinion that no matter what the problem, "it's no big deal". It can always be sorted, negotiated or forgotten about. But what happens when the two people you care most about are the two people you have problems with? What happens when you may actually be in love with a girl who is your friend and when your best friend is trying to get with her? It seems hard to tag my philosophy onto this one.
I'm actually already preparing myself for the worst. Either the conversation I will have with Tom tomorrow in which he may say he kissed her last night or worse. Or, in the long run, that he ends up going out with her and I have to see them every single day, knowing that because I chose to be there for her as a friend more than anything else, I lost out on the chance to mean something more.
