When I found the DVD I just stood there looking at it for five minutes, picking it up and putting it back down again. Is this the right thing to do? Should I give it to her? I had it all planned out in my head.
I was going to include a note.
I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough...This film has a scene in it with all of the right words that I don't know how to say myself. If you skip to 1hr, 23min, 42sec, you'll see what I mean.
I know this is awful timing. But if I don't tell you now, I never will. Without hope or agenda, I just need you to know.
Love someone
x
I had it written in my head already. I was going to post it right to her door. It seemed so good.
I put the DVD down and walked back out. No. No, I said to myself.
I went to sit down in the middle of town on a bench and just sat there for about 20 minutes, just thinking. I watched everyone walk by, cards in some people's hands, flowers in others. Valentine's day has never been quite my favourite day but never like this.
Instead, to try and cheer myself up, I bought some new trainers and two game controllers so that my housemates and I could play some games together on the Wii. And then I went home. I even considered going home home. Liverpool. I felt like I needed to get out of Chester altogether for the night. But that didn't happen.
Waiting for me when I got back were messages from Tom on MSN. I chose to ignore them. He called me too. I chose to ignore it.
Instead, I hooked my controllers up and hoped that maybe one of my housemates would come out from their rooms and come and join me in the living room so I wouldn't have to play on my own. They did eventually.
It wasn't hard to tell that I was deeply deeply upset. I was much quieter, slower with my actions, and there were no smiles to be seen. No one asked why, but I'm sure they knew.
I decided to go and talk to Tom after a while.
[19:30:39] Tom: come on mate whats up?
[19:31:05] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: You know what's up. Head is absolutely trashed right now.
[19:31:30] Tom: dont say that fella its not so bad
[19:31:47] Tom: why are ya letting it upset you so much
[19:31:54] Tom: theres no need
[19:32:29] Tom: let it all out mate
[19:33:29] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I know you don't really understand why I'm making such a big deal over this but believe me, anyone and anything else and I honestly wouldn't be so arsed. You could give me a smack in the face and I still would not feel like I do right now. It's not just you, but you're what caused all this to start me off, to be honest. And I bloody hate that I have to say this to you cos I know you're a good mate usually.
[19:34:15] Tom: I know mate, but what do ya want me to do?
[19:34:23] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Nothing
[19:34:35] Tom: Your upsetting me here mate
[19:34:40] Tom: dontlike this
[19:35:19] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I don't like it either.
[19:36:03] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: But that's the way things are right now. Actually keep tearing up over this and that isn't good. Put me on a complete and utter downer this has
[19:37:50] Tom: I know you feel really bad mate but ya cant expect me to just not do anything when I feel this way myself. Main problem is I think Im starting to really like her myself and its not heling the situation one bit
[19:38:59] Tom: You need to inderstand mate that this isnt all me
[19:39:19] Tom: you need to square this with her just as much as with me
[19:39:21] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: And that's what is annoying me the most. The fact that you've just gone in there and decided to push me out the way. Essentially, feels like you've put a knife in me. You know how much I like her and have liked her for two years and yet at the first sign she's single, you've stepped in there knowing full well how I'd feel about it.
[19:40:08] Tom: dont know what to say
[19:41:02] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I've thought and thought about this all Tuesday and all of yesterday and all of today. I haven't been sleeping or eating because of this. It's done me in. You have seriously screwed me over.
[19:41:21] Tom: I know iv basically shit on you here but like I said your making it out as if she hasnt had anythig to do with it.
[19:42:36] Tom: You ant keep going like this mate cos its guna take you over
[19:42:50] Tom: Its killing me as it is
[19:43:23] Tom: I actually cant shut off from this either an from my point of view its pointless cos she said herself that she doesnt want us falling out over her!
[19:44:22] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: You know I like her. She doesn't. You've known for two years how much I just wanted a chance to actually tell her how I feel. But the fact that you went in there and made a move before I could is why you've totally shit on me. You know as well as I do that there is an unwritten rule. You just do not go for a girl your mate has a bloody long standing interest in. It's just common sense and it's about being enough of a mate to respect that. And you've put me in such a shit place now. Such a shit situation to be in
[19:44:26] Tom: I think i need to speak to ya in person
So he came round.
Just as he knocked on the door, Emily knocked on my bedroom door, asking if I could open a bottle of wine for her. Her sister is staying over and she was happy, whereas I wasn't. Emily let Tom in. I said hello to him.
"You two doing work?", Emily asked.
"We need to sort a few problems out", I replied.
We went into my room. I sat in my chair, he sat on my bed.
"Go on mate, let it out", he said.
So, with a deep breathe and short silence, I tried my best to explain everything. I didn't do a good job. Every time I spoke, I could feel the tears coming and I didn't really want to cry in front of my friend.
I told him that he had royally hurt me and that he felt like he had stabbed me in the heart. He said he knew and that he was sorry.
He said that until this was sorted, that he was backing off Alycia. Backing off until I could speak to her. And I was appreciative of that. We shook hands on it. He promised.
"And that's all I want", I said to him.
Most of the 'conversation' was simply silence with deep breathes between us, not knowing the words to say.
I told him about what I was going to do with the DVD. I told him about the scene in it that accurately described how I felt about Alycia but I couldn't finish my sentences because I kept tearing up. But he needed to see just how bad I was. I needed him to see. I don't think he truly realised just how bad I was feeling until he saw me.
"I just wanna hug you to be honest", he said.
By the end of our 30 minute conversation, I did feel slightly better knowing that he was giving me a chance to just express my feelings for Alycia.
We talked some more online after he got home.
[20:50:07] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Just feel a little better after talking.
[20:50:11] Tom: good
[20:50:18] Tom: step in the right direction
[20:50:40] Tom: your my bro Neil an i dont wanna jeapordize that (big word for me ;))
[20:51:02] Tom: cant excuse what Iv done but ill do my best to see it right
[20:51:06] Tom: I promise you
[20:51:55] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I'm glad that you at least know that you've hurt me. On Monday, I don't think you realised. Or maybe you did. But yeah. It'll just take some time for things to get back to normal. But hopefully not long
[20:52:19] Tom: Iv just sent Alycia a text sayin what I said to you so its completely up to you now mate.
[20:52:41] Tom: No i didnt realise until now just how much Iv burned you. Aain im sorry son
[21:02:39] Tom: shes text me back
[21:02:49] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: saying what
[21:02:56] Tom: Do you want me to tell ya?
[21:03:04] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: yes
[21:04:00] Tom: She has said that she doesnt understand why you feel like this. She is wondering if shes been giving you signals. She doesnt want me to back off and she is feeling worse right now :( not good reading
[21:04:42] Tom: Iv told her I just wanna lay off while you sort this out iv told her already it cant come from me and Im gunna wait until your ready
[21:05:04] Tom: Im physically shaking because of this right now
[21:07:01] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Just go for it. I don't care anymore. She doesn't like me like I want her to and that's the way it's always going to be. So just see what happens with her I guess. I'm going to stop feeling like this over her because it's clear she will never be interested. So I'm saying go for it. but you also have to know that it's going to kill me seeing the two of you.
[21:08:36] Tom: I know mate an im trying to explain that to her right nw
[21:08:47] Tom: what the fuck have i got myself into here
[21:08:50] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: For lack of a better term...you win. I'm giving up on this thing that's in my head.
[21:08:56] Tom: unbelievable
[21:09:06] Tom: No mate dont look at it like that
[21:09:52] Tom: Do you believe me when I say I dont wanna do this now because of whay your going through?
[21:10:12] Tom: An you and I both know that your not gunna be able to just turn this off
[21:10:25] Tom: so dont go trying to do so cos ur gunna screw yourself over
[21:11:01] Tom: she still doesnt understand this fully i dont think
[21:11:51] Tom: Im gunna wright what shes put in this text for ya so ya get what shes sayin
[21:15:21] Tom: I just dont understand. Y does it have to happen now? grr. ive had a hard enough evenin. had to meet matt and tell him its deffo over, so he stops stalkin me. That was difficult enough. N last night was amazing. I really like u, n i wanted last night to happen so bad. I dont want you to back off. Does Neil think ive been givin him signals that id get with him? I dnt even like him in that way.
[21:15:32] Tom: An she says I really dont iunderstand at the end
[21:15:33] Tom: :(
[21:15:41] Tom: sorry mate
[21:15:58] Tom: I feel sick now
[21:16:21] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Like I said. Just do whatever. I've had enough now.
[21:16:32] Tom: An i didnt sleep with her last night if your wondering
[21:16:39] Tom: just kissed
[21:16:52] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I was pretty sure you might have done.
[21:17:03] Tom: what slept with her?
[21:17:07] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: No, kissed her
[21:18:19] Tom: well I reckon thats pretty much devastated you now so I now dont have a flying fuck of an idea what to do
As I said in my previous entry, I was pretty sure that that is what had happened. They had kissed. I knew it. I was already prepared for it. I was numb to what he had just said.
[21:19:33] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: The fact that she's sent that text eases the pressure up on you. As in it's not all you coming onto her and her being fragile and whatever. My opinion has changed. But regardless, like I say, I've had enough. You like her, she likes you, do whatever. It will kill me seeing you two kissing and whatever, but I'll get used to it somehow. In other words, this is me giving you my blessing to follow it through.
[21:20:36] Tom: To be honest mate I think Im too scared to follow it through now
[21:20:52] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: My body and my mind are absolutely spent now. Emotionally exhausted. And I have severely had enough of it. I'll still tell her how I feel when she next comes online, but like I say, I'm giving you my blessing. Do it.
[21:22:34] Tom: This is the most traumatic thing iv ever experienced. One, iv ruined my relationship with you, two I feel so strange towards Alycia right now, a mixture of fear, liking her alot and not having a clue what im doing. and three i cant see how this is going to improve at all
[21:25:13] Tom: I should have told you about how I feel about her earlier cos i dont think you fully realised until now how I felt. the way she looked at me sometimes like when we went to that sandwich shop that time just me and her I cant explain it
[21:25:54] Tom: an that was when she was with! her boyfriend, so I hope somehow you can see where Im coming from
[21:26:36] Tom: And you shouldnthave to give me your blessing on this cos i was out of order at the time
[21:27:17] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: This is what's going to happen. Firstly, I'm telling you, hand on my heart that I'm giving you my blessing to see where things lead with Alycia. Yes, it's going to fucking hurt me. Not YOU hurt me and not HER hurt me, but just the sight of my best mate at Uni and the girl I practically love together. And believe me, that fucking L word is not a word I want to use, but I've actually come to the conclusion that that's what it is because you don't feel like this over some random girl. Anwyay, yes, I'm giving you my blessing. See it through if you wish.
Secondly, I'm still going to tell her how I feel about her. I'm going to tell her everything I've told you tonight and explain just how damn much I care about her. But I'm also going to explain that that care is going to diminish slightly because although she's a good friend, seeing both of you together is enough to make that friendship just a bit weaker. In other words, I'm not going to care about her as much as I do now.
[21:27:56] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Thirdly, you've just started to like her and she's on the rebound. If either of you hurt the other one, you hurt me as well. You hurt her, Tom, you hurt me. She hurts you, she hurts me.
[21:31:11] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I am actually just pissed right fucking off now. Again, NOT at you. So that's what's going to happen. Three things. You're now free to do as you please as is she. I'm going to explain everything to her when she's next around. And finally, if one of you hurts the other, you answer to me. And I swear to god I'm being serious about that. Because if she dumps you in a month's time because it's just a little rebound thing, I will be just as pissed off as I am now. You wanna make a go of it with other, fine, like I said, you win. She wins. But it better be a fucking good go otherwise this ends in tears again.
[21:47:06] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Go for it though. Be happy. And I hope she is with you. And as much as it may hurt me, I swear on my life that I mean that. You're a good man and I know you don't disrespect a girl that you're interested in. So here's me looking on the optimistic side of things for both of you.
[21:47:43] Tom: The most important thing right now is for you to not let what we do affect you. You hear me, cos that is what this is going to be about for me now. If what wee do affects you in anyway im not prepared to put up with it and it will end.
[21:47:57] Tom: I care too much about our friendship to hurt you now mate
[21:48:37] Tom: The major concern for me and probarbly you right now is the fact that the f
[21:49:03] Tom: three of us are in most of our lessons together and it is going to be very very awkward on so many levels
[21:49:14] Tom: thats is now my main concern
[21:49:31] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: We're being totally honest here and the fact is that yes, I can guarantee it will 100% hurt me seeing you and her the first few times. And you can't really ask me not to be as much as I want to be over and done with this. But for the sake of our friendship, my actual bloody health and my education, I'm going to try.
[21:56:16] Tom: I cant expect you to do anything now Neil you are taking this on the chin and for that I respect you cos not many people I know would do that for a mate. I am lucky to have you as a friend. You dont meet many Neil Martins in this world.
[22:00:49] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: We're sorted now. Me and you are sorted. I don't have a problem with you as of this moment onward. I do however, have a problem with Alycia. And you'll probably get some of the backlash from the fact that I'm upset/pissed at her just like you. But, there is no issue between us right now.
[22:01:30] Tom: Again, thank you. I cant tell you how much this means to me. Your heart has been broken
[22:01:42] Tom: Ill do my best to hep you mend it
[22:02:58] Tom: Just dont let the other aspects of your life be changed by this. That is what is most importanant now. we need to focus on the last 3/4 weeks of uni now nothing else ok?
[22:03:23] Tom: Ill see what Alycia wants to do and see where it goes and thats all I can do so i hope you can trust me now.
[22:03:42] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Few more weeks and it'll be Summer. And then I can rest my head and my heart on this.
[22:03:56] Tom: Yep thats it
[22:06:00] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I am gonna look physically upset in class though, no matter how much I would like not to bed. It's going to take a while for you and me to have a laugh like we're used to and longer for me to be able to see Alycia in a different way than I do now. i.e. essentially stop loving her.
[22:07:42] Tom: I know mate
[22:07:55] Tom: And im truly sorry for that cos its a shame
[22:08:04] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: Pisses me off to no fucking end that I have to use that word to describe how I feel about her. Because she doesn't fancy me and we've never been together in any sense of the word. So, I, you and definitely she has every right to say something along the lines of "How can you love her?"...but I'm telling you that that's what it is. As much as I'd like it to just be a bit of a crush thing.
[22:11:08] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I keep thinking to myself that all I need to do is go find some random girl and fuck her senseless. ...but actually, that's not what I need at all. It's everything else. The stuff that comes with a relationship, rather than just fucking someone.
[22:11:28] Tom: exactly
[22:11:34] There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.: I mean christ, if it was just about sex, I could always pay by the hour!
[22:11:50] Tom: lmao
[22:12:06] Tom: ohhh you make me laugh Nei lad sometimes lol
[22:12:19] Tom: You are a Legend
And that was pretty much me done with Tom in terms of being angry with him. We won't be as close as we were for a while, but I'm not angry at him anymore.
At about midnight, I decided to start writing what I wanted to say to Alycia when she came online. I wanted to tell her everything online instead of in person because I can type so much better than I can say anything. And I didn't realise that I had so much say. I wrote 2,500 words.
Firstly, I think you now know why I've been upset over the last few days, but I need to tell you everything about why I've been as upset as I have been. So, I'm just gonna paste all of this and then let you have a read. I actually wrote this a few hours ago just so that it reads as a single thing. It's really long, but it explains everything. So, for better or worse, here it goes...Alycia, I have liked you as more than a friend literally since day one of University two years ago. I know it sounds awfully clich� to say it, but it actually was from the moment I saw you. As me and Tom started to be better mates in the first year and we talked about what girls we liked and stuff, it was always just the one with me. You. And obviously Tom would laugh because he couldn't understand what I saw in you at first. And I just kept telling him that if anything, I loved your voice. I don�t know what it is about it, it just made me smile. You can never choose who you happen to like and why you happen to like them and this was no different.
Over the last two years, me, you and Tom have become really good mates. Best mates, even. But in that time, I've grown to like you more and more, rather than less. It became a friendly joke between me and Tom that I did like you that much. You know, just messing around saying stuff like "what if she knew?" and stuff like that.
Over the last few weeks, I think us three have become even closer, especially doing stuff like that stop motion animation video. We just have a laugh together. But it's also made me feel closer to you.
Knowing that you were seeing someone has never bothered me that much. But, like I said, Tom's always asked about what if you were single and what would I do. And I've always said that I'd ask you out, but after a while of you being single.
When you went out of the room crying on Friday, it broke my heart. Not because you were simply a mate, but because I care for you more than that. Seeing you cry made me feel incredibly protective of you and knowing that you were ok was really important to me. And that's why for the last few days, I've tried my best to be there for you. Because when you smile, it makes me smile too. And when you're upset, it makes me feel like I need to do something to make you feel better again.
On Monday, I was waiting for the bus to Kingsway and Tom text me, saying that he'd just saw that you'd changed your relationship status to single on Facebook and asked what I was gonna do about it basically. I think I said something like "Give it a few weeks" because you were really upset and I wanted to be there for you as a friend. Someone to listen to you. Not someone to try and get with you.On Monday night when we all went out, I had a great time. Everyone was in a good mood. Seeing you laughing made me feel happier for you. Half way through the night, I noticed Tom had started dancing with you and not in just a friendly way. He knew he was trying to make a move on you, but I thought that since we've been friends for so long, you took it as just him being friendly and nothing else. But I didn't see it like that. I saw it as Tom trying to make a move on a girl I had liked for two years and that he had not even given me an opportunity to actually tell you how I felt about you first. There is an unwritten rule with friends - You don't make a move on a girl that your mate has liked for so long and so intensely because first and foremost, your mate's happiness comes first. So when he started dancing with you, he had basically just done the only thing he could that he knew would piss me off more than anything else in the world.
He knew what he had done and could tell that I wasn't happy about it and for the rest of the night, asked if he had pissed me off. I told him he had. The rest of the night for me was spent feeling quite crap. It's the first time ever that me and Tom have ever fallen out about something and I didn't want this to get in the way of our friendship. We text each other throughout the night, even while sitting in your living room, me trying to work out why he'd just put a knife in my heart and him asking what he could do to sort it out.
And then the three of us ended up sleeping on your bed and all I could think of was that if I wasn't there, Tom would make a move on you. In my efforts to be protective of you as a concerned friend, I thought Tom was trying to take advantage of you and by doing so, he was pissing me off even more. Never have I been so angry at him.The next morning when we were walking back, we talked about it more, but he just didn't realise how much he had hurt me by doing what he had done. I tried my best not to be so angry at him, but when you like someone so much, it's hard not to feel trodden on when someone suddenly tries to make a move on them knowing full well it would hurt you.
He told me to tell you how I feel about you and I refused to. Again, I thought that since you had only just broken up with someone, you would not need the hassle of me expressing how I feel too.
I spent the rest of Tuesday feeling absolutely shit. I felt like my stomach was tossing and turning and it made me feel physically sick because everything I wanted to say to you, I couldn�t. And Tom had put pressure on me to do so after what he had done the night before.
Tuesday night, me and Tom tried our best to work it out. He told me he had started to like you over the last month or so and that he just couldn't help trying to make a move on you. He realised he had hurt me more than even I thought possible but I simply saw it as my best friend screwing me over. He tried to reassure me that it wasn�t all him but you were part of it too. I didn�t believe him though and simply thought that he had seen a chance and gone for it. Then you came online as well and saw I was upset and now you understand why I refused to tell you why I was. Because I didn't want to add to your troubles. I wanted to try my best to put my feelings for you to one side and focus on your feelings instead, which is why I talked to you about so much all throughout that night. Because if I could get you to talk about something else, then maybe it'd take your mind off why you were feeling upset. And by making you less upset, it'd make me less upset too.
Tom went to bed after a while but we tried so hard to make amends and just promised each other a good night out on Wednesday. I told him he was still my mate and that I�d be out if he actually wanted me to be. Wednesday morning, me and Tom met at the SU to pick up our tickets and we tried to just forget about Monday night. We bought our tickets and said we�d see each other later. But even at that point, I didn�t actually feel like going out because I still felt sick. It had been so damn much to take in and I just hadn�t been able to yet. It was driving me insane not being able to tell you everything.
As you know, I eventually didn�t go out even though I�d bought my ticket. I just couldn�t face it. And then you told me you were going to be out too and that made me feel worse because I knew that Tom wanted to come onto you still and knowing that pretty much put me off going out altogether at that point. I spent the rest of the night worrying that Tom would make a move on you again and that made me feel really upset because as you now know, I�ve liked you for two years and telling you everything that I am now was incredibly important to me.
To be honest, I�ve always known that you have never and would never return any of the feelings I have for you and in a way, I guess I was always ok with that because you were taken anyway so it didn�t matter. But when you became single, I thought that what the hell, no one ever got anywhere without risking everything and I decided to just ask you out when the time was right. But this has affected me in a way in which even I wasn�t aware it could. I�ve cried more in the last few days than in the last few months. And because it has severely affected my friendship with Tom, I have to tell you now instead. I�ve had a few days to think about it and I just keep coming to the same conclusion. That I have more feelings for you than I have for any other girl in quite a long time.
Again, I neither expected nor hoped that you would ever return them. But knowing you know how I feel about you is what is important to me. Knowing that I�ve told you everything I�ve wanted to tell you for the last two years is what�s important. And I�m sorry if this adds to the list of things you have to deal with right now, I truly am. As I�ve said, I wanted to wait a few weeks. But because of everything, now is the time to tell you.
On Thursday night, I talked to Tom about this again and our friendship was not looking good. I was now angrier at him because everything was just starting to get out of hand. After talking online about it so much, we decided it was better to talk about it in person so he came round. He asked me to let everything out and even when I was actually speaking the words, I just kept tearing up. I tried my best to explain to him just how much I�ve liked you and how much he had hurt me and how much I was now suffering because of it. He told me that he�d back off until I had a chance to speak to you first. And that�s all I wanted. To tell you all of this before anything happened.But, I also realise now that I was wrong to be so angry at him for supposedly taking advantage of you because I know that you like him back. And I�ve known that if it was ever going to be one of us, it�d always be him. But seeing my best mate and the girl I�ve liked for so long together breaks my heart. It honestly does and I don�t know how else to describe it. It makes me heartbroken. I�ve told this to Tom as well and understandably, he has a better perspective on it because he�s known how much I like you for two years. But I know that you could be reading this now and not know what to make of it.
Tom and I talked more online once he left mine and after talking to him, I felt a little better about things. I felt reassured that he would back off until I had a chance to tell you what I�m telling you now. But I still wanted to wait a while. But you like him and you don�t want him to back off. And I feel like I�m in the odd one out, stuck in the middle between two people who want to see where things lead.
Because this is affecting me in every way, I�ve told Tom and now you as well that I�ve had enough of feeling like this. One week of this is all I can take. It�s affected my uni work and me in general. And that can�t go on. You�re both my friends and I want both of you to find happiness in one way or the other. Seeing you and him together breaks my heart, but I�d rather mine be broken than yours or his. In other words, this is me saying that while it will hurt for a while, I don�t want to be a barrier. I want to see both of you happy, regardless of how and right now, all three of us feel like shit. That�s not right.
I know reading all of this probably doesn�t even make a lot of sense to you but I�ve told you everything now. Everything that I�ve been so cut up about. And everything that has made me and Tom fall out. But I�m not going to let this get in the way of my friendship with him and not with you either because I love you both as mates more than anything else but it�s just going to take some time, that�s all.
I think I�m pretty much done writing everything I want to write now. And I�m sorry that you�re going to have a hard time with everything you�ve just read, just like I�ve had a hard time writing it and well, living it, really. I can only hope that I�ve written it in such a way that you see why everything has been the way it�s been.
There�s a scene in Love Actually that I keep being reminded of because of all of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m2T5yfgsZ0). I�m sure you�ve seen it. Andrew Lincoln stands outside Keira Knightley�s door one night and without saying anything, simply shows her words on a few boards to let her know how he feels. But there is one board that sticks with me. It simply says �Without hope or agenda�. And that�s what this incredibly long explanation is. It is neither to hope that you suddenly change your mind about everything or that I have a hidden agenda. It�s simply me, finally being able to say what I�ve needed to say for a very long time.
And that�s pretty much it.
I reread it all three times after I had spent two hours writing it, making sure it was exactly what I wanted to say and that there was nothing in there that was too excessive. I clicked save for the final time and to my surprise and my horror, Alycia poppped up online at 2am.
[02:14:44] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: Hey
[02:14:52] Lys: hi
[02:15:05] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: How are you?
[02:16:06] Lys: ok, cnt sleepp
[02:16:08] Lys: u?
[02:16:19] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: Worried.
[02:30:30] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I know that right now, you're probably still feeling utterly shit. And I'm really sorry about that. But I need to tell you a few things and I don't know when the best time to do it is because I don't want to be the cause of more upset for you.
[02:32:52] Lys: tom did mention quite a few things when he was drunk
[02:33:10] Lys: this week doesnt even feel real 2 me
[02:33:47] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I need to tell you it all but I'm scared to fuck of making you feel even worse than you do and you know that I don't want that, but if I don't tell you, all three of us are going to continue to feel shit and for different reasons.
[02:34:28] Lys: i dnt want any of us fallin out
[02:35:18] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I have spent the last two hours typing what to say to you about everything. I didn't expect you to come online tonight. I was going to leave it until the weekend or after the weekend.
[02:35:58] Lys: sup 2 u - when ever ur ready
[02:36:40] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: It's not my intention to make you more upset than you are with all that I'm about to say. But I know that it probably will do exactly that. And I'm so sorry that it might.
[02:37:30] Lys: thats ok
[02:37:39] Lys: i 4give u now lol
I then proceeded to copy and paste all of the 2,500 word explanation into her MSN box, paragraph by paragraph. Feeling myself tense up as it got to the part about me essentially loving her.
After I had pasted it all, I stopped typing and gave her a while to reply. But she didn't.
[02:56:24] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: Please say something
[02:56:35] Lys: sorry - thats a lot 2 take in
[02:57:18] Lys: i reli dnt knowwhat 2 say . part from that scene in love actually is prob my fav scene! its the one scene in that film that actually has a decent meaning
[02:57:27] Lys: i dnt wana fall out
[02:57:45] Lys: ur 1 of my best m8s, i hate seein u this upset
[02:59:44] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I keep watching the scene...over and over again...wondering if that's really how I feel about you. Trying to make myself feel stupid about it. Trying to make myself see that I'm just being silly. But I can't. Just can't escape the fact that that is how I feel about you. And every time I watch it, I keep crying because it's exactly what I needed to say to you.
[03:00:22] Lys: ur rite tho - it wud never happen between us
[03:00:26] Lys: but thats not coz of this
[03:00:35] Lys: thats just coz ur such a close m8
I wanted to tell her that last line was bullshit and that Tom is a close mate too but she went and kissed him. But I didn't say that. I am her mate, but I don't like being lied to. I'd rather just be told that she doesn't fancy me.
[03:01:45] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here now.
[03:02:28] Lys: plz dnt fall out with tom over this - he was obv just actin on impulse, but it was me that started dancing with him
[03:03:03] Lys: he aint 2 blame
[03:03:26] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: Tom is worried sick about me. And I feel sick too. I haven't eaten much or slept much since this. It's affected me so badly.
[03:04:36] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: Me and Tom are not going to fall out, but he has stabbed me in the heart and I feel heartbroken because of how I feel about you. I don't want to feel like I feel about you. I'm happy being your mate. But you can't help you like.
[03:05:00] Lys: yer i know
[03:05:42] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I deliberately left the L word out of what I've written because it scares me that I could feel that way about you. It seems silly to me. I've never kissed you. I've never been anything more than your friend. But no girl has ever made me feel like I have for the last week. And that both worries and upsets me.
[03:08:29] Lys: glad u didnt say the "L" word - its not my friend 2day. ive seen matt this afternoon
[03:09:08] Lys: seein him was prob as bad as ur feelin rite now
[03:11:18] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I've kept this inside for the last two years and it has been making me feel so awful over the last few days. Depressed, sick, and simply miserable. Knowing you know how I've felt about you for so long is the only thing that can even start to fix all of this.
[03:15:53] Lys: u n tom r my best m8s - dno what i wud do if anythin was 2 change
[03:16:04] Lys: i just want everythin 2 go back 2 normal
[03:16:11] Lys: ive had sucha shitty week
[03:16:25] Lys: tom made me smile
[03:16:50] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: yeah
[03:18:32] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: My week has been awful. I've almost lost my best friend and fallen out with him over it and told a girl I will never have that I essentially love her.
[03:18:46] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I feel totally lost right. Lost in everything that has happened
[03:21:34] Lys: i dnt want this 2 come between our friendship
[03:21:52] Lys: ur 1 of the bestest m8s ive ever had - i dnt want that 2 change
[03:25:29] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: I'm going to say one last thing. And then I'm going to stop talking and go. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I've just said some of the most important things I will ever say to you so long as I know you. And if nothing else, all I ask is that you remember this conversation.
[03:26:49] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule.: But for now let me say
Without hope or agenda
To me, you are perfect.
Goodnight...x
[03:27:06] German chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule. has changed his/her status to Appear Offline
I didn't go to bed, but I did appear offline. I didn't have anything else left to say to her for the night. I had said it all in one go. I had told her that I loved her. And that's all I've ever wanted to do. I can't believe I did it, but I'm glad that I did.
That was at 3:27am. It's now 4:10am and she's still online and I'm still online, but she can't see me. I just don't know what else to say so I'm not going to say anything.
This has been an incredibly hurt filled week. My friend hurt me in a way in which I've never been hurt before, I realised I loved Alycia and after two years, I found the words to tell her even though I will never have her.
Somehow, on Tuesday, I have to see her in lesson and I don't know how that's going to work. She now knows everything. She knows that I love her and that I'm heartbroken. I don't know how I'm going to act on Tuesday.
