It's always great being around my mates. I feel comfortable around them just like anyone does around theirs I suppose. Each of my friends and indeed me included has their own special personality traits that makes them them.
Kim mentioned that she and Rob had been talking about everyone going for a meal, which I liked the sound of. It's in about two weeks apparantly so I'm looking forward to that.
We stayed in Modo until about 9:30pm and then we went to a bar called Reflex where the rest of the night was spent. For the most part, I laughed and joked like everyone else, but like other nights where I've gone out with my friends recently, it ended with me feeling upset only this time, moreso than usual.
In Reflex, there was a girl (I suppose I could stop there and you'd know already where this story is heading) and I really liked the look of her. She was really nice. I mentioned it to Jamie who agreed and he said I should go over there and talk to her. "I wish I could", I replied, sighing. Throughout the time I was there, I just kept looking over at her now and then, wishing I had the courage to go over to her.
It's not that I'm too scared to go over, it's that once over there, I wouldn't know what to say. I'm not good with conversation. It doesn't come naturally to me. I don't have anything interesting or funny to say. And so of course I don't go over to anyone who I may like.
It was fairly empty in Reflex, but all of my mates including me at one point or another ended up on the dancefloor, dancing away with each other. It was fun for the most part.
"Go over there!", Dave said to me, wanting me to go over to the girl I liked, "Or I will for you!". He even tried pushing me over there physically, but I refused. I just wouldn't know what to say.
Looking at it optimistically, I guess there could have always been a chance that she was thinking exactly the same right? That she was wishing she had the courage to come over to me? That maybe, just maybe this beautiful girl could find me attractive too? I guess I can always hope, but that's all it ever is. Hope. It's never a reality because I'm too scared.
Towards the end of the night, everyone began getting close with their boyfriends and girlfriends. As I said in a previous entry, I'm pretty much the only guy who doesn't have a girlfriend and so when six of my friends are kissing each other around me, it's really hard not to feel lonely and left out and once more, resort to looking at the floor or staring off into space, trying not to notice all of the love being shown to each other around me because I have none of my own.
I couldn't take it after a few minutes and headed the toilet instead, sighing and wishing that I was different. That I had more confidence and that I knew how to make conversation with strangers.
I came back after a few minutes and everyone announced they were going home so I did too. I gave everyone a hug at the train station and caught my train home. On the way, I sat on the train, desperately attempting to regain some sort of composure and stop feeling so upset. But it was too much and I ended up crying on the train. I felt pathetic for doing it, but I just couldn't help it. Sometimes it all gets too much and as much as I try, sometimes it just comes out.
I was texting a girl who I like at the time. I told her I was feeling down because everyone had someone but me. She called me a few moments later and I told her that I was just feeling a bit crap and though I didn't mean to, started crying to her on the phone. That's not really that attractive. I went through a tunnel though and she got cut off. I was thankful in a way.
Gary was picking me up at the station once I got back to Kirkby and I had to somehow stop crying and look as if I hadn't been doing so so that he wouldn't see when I got in the car but even when I did, I was still sniffing now and then.
"Good night?", he asked.
"Yeah, was ok", I said, trying to sound happy. But I wasn't. And I'm not.
The rest of the night was spent online, although I didn't stay awake that much longer. I did however see that my Uni results had been posted. I'd passed. I was happy about that.
69, 66, 54, 40. They're my results for my four modules. I'm really disappointed that that 40 isn't much higher because I know it could have been if I hadn't been so lazy about it. But either way, I've passed and I'm through to the second year of Uni. I went to bed after that. When added to my first four results, my average grade is 57.87. I know I can do better.
The next day, I was supposed to go back into town and to Kim's for a boys night in, but I didn't in the end. I just couldn't be bothered.
Today I've not done anything. Just mostly sat here and felt sorry for myself I suppose. I realise that I'm the only one to blame for how I feel though and I don't blame anyone else for it. I just don't know how to get out of this right now. On the plus side, these awful bouts of depression do only last for a week or so and then I least I go back to averagely ok albeit not very happy. Ok is better than wanting to cry.
