Ok, so before I begin this entry, let's recap:
Tori had a miscarriage and wanted to kill herself.
Tori came onto me for a week or two and wanted me to go up to hers.
I learn that she asked the same of Jamie, only he went and he told me they were seeing each other on Saturday.
I leave, very upset.
And now onto Sunday. It just gets worse.
Around 12pm, while I was still in bed, I recieve a call from Jamie, basically asking me if I was ok because he had seen me in tears the night before. I was doing fairly ok really because I knew nothing would happen with Tori and I anyway.
"Yeah, I'm ok", I said. I asked him how he was and stuff and after about a five minute call, we said goodbye to each other.
Around 6pm, I recieved a call from Danielle. She was worried about me after hearing from Dave that I had been upset and left my birthday early. It did however, turn into her calling me because she needed someone to talk to. And this is where it just gets worse and worse.
Danielle told me that she had had a miscarriage two weeks ago.
Mindblowing. First Tori and now Danielle. Unbelievable. So, I try my best of course to console her, but just like with Tori, there are no words to truly support someone when something like that happens.
She said that the only person who knew was Dave and that he had always been there because no one else had. She claims that a lot of people in the group hate her so she doesn't feel that she can talk to anyone anymore. She also said that she had not told Jamie or anyone else besides me and Dave about the miscarriage and that she did not know who the father would have been.
She also told me that she was going to go to Dave's to talk about things and I said I'd come and see her too.
I must have spent a good half an hour on the phone to her. It was mostly her talking and me listening, which I am happy to do if it makes her feel better.
Except it didn't make her feel better.
I'm not sure if it was before or after Danielle called me, but I text Jamie telling him that it was a mistake to go out with Tori and that if he does, he is in danger of losing both my friendship and Dave's because we will no longer feel comfortable going out if she is there. He text back with:
"If you had got with Tori last week, what would you do if I had sent you the same text?"
I text back saying it was only ever going to be about sex with me and Tori, but that I understood how he was feeling.
Two hours later, I recieve a text from Danielle.
"I've just drank half a bottle of Vodka and now I've just been thinking about downing a bottle of painkillers. What am I thinking!"
I text back, but while doing so, I recieve a call from her and accidentally disconnect her before she's even through to me and then I try desperately to get her back on the line with no success. Luckily though, I was confident that the reason I couldn't get through to her was because she was probably on the phone to Dave instead. I left her a message telling her to call me if she needed me.
She called me around half an hour later or so, saying that yes, she had been on the phone to Dave.
Around 11pm, she called me again, this time in tears.
"Neil, call Jamie and make sure he's ok", she said and then said lots of other stuff in a long strong of words because she was crying as she was talking. "Tori's just finished with him"
I opened my mouth and looked at the ceiling out of disbelief.
According to her, Tori had given him an ultimatum. Either remove Danielle from his life, or she would split up with him. Jamie chose Danielle. Why? Because apparantly, even though Danielle has a new boyfriend, she and Jamie have still been sleeping together.
I'm just sitting there on the edge of my bed, trying to take all of this in as best as I can. Miscarriages here, cheating there, messing with my head there. What the hell is going on recently?
She told me that because Jamie had chosen Danielle instead of Tori and Tori had finished with him, she was now getting texts of Tori saying things like "Hope you're happy now" and that she thinks Danielle is lying about her miscarriage. I can even understand why she would think that, considering Tori had one five weeks ago and now here's Danielle with hers two weeks ago. I believe them both. I think it's just an awful awful coincidence that it's happened in the same time period.
I told Danielle to try not to read the texts and that if Tori sends any more, to just delete them. I know knew she wouldn't though. I told her that right now, Tori is just looking for someone to blame and that Danielle happened to be that person. If it wasn't Danielle, maybe it could have been me or maybe Dave. Someone. Because understandably enough, Tori is hurting right now and she's just reaching out to those around her. Unfortunately, she's hurting people in the process.
I said I'd give Jamie a call and said goodbye to Danielle.
I called Jamie, but he wasn't answering. I just kept getting his answering machine so I left him a message saying that I was sorry he and Tori had broken up and that I was there for him if he wanted to talk. I also sent him a text saying to change his settings on his phone so I wasn't going to voicemail all the time and he replied, asking me what was up. I told him that Danielle had told me what had happened and that if he wants to talk, I'd call him.
"I'm not ready to talk to you yet", he said.
"Fair enough", I replied. "I'm here for you when you are"
And that was Sunday.
And this is Monday. And it doesn't get any better.
I was pleased to see that Jamie was online when I came online, though he was on the phone. An hour or so later, I began talking to him and Dave appeared online too. I was having conversations with them both, trying desperately to make things right between everyone. Techncially, since I'm hurt too so I should just do what some others are doing and walking away, but I'm trying my best to be the moderator. The one who can approach people and try my best to sort things out.
With Jamie, I tried my best to explain that Tori is not for him because she will only hurt him like she has hurt me and Dave. Of course, he's hurting too though, because he's just as lonely as Tori is and they're both looking for someone. I don't believe it's each other.
He told me that he saw Tori today and that they're still friends.
[15:44:54] 31,363,200: Don't you feel as if she has hurt you?
[15:45:26] jamie ;) she got her ass wet 4 me lol: yer i'm hurt but it's not her fault
Unfortunately, it is her fault, it's just that because Jamie wants someone so badly, he's willing to overlook it.
[15:56:30] jamie ;) she got her ass wet 4 me lol: oh i hope we get bk 2gether
[15:57:00] 31,363,200: But the only reason she is reaching for me one week and you the next is because she is reaching for anyone right now. Not neccessarily for a relationship, but just someone to be there and comfort her and that unfortunately turns into more than just being there as a friend.
[15:57:29] 31,363,200: If you get back together, you will only be hurt again by her, I promise you.
[15:58:34] 31,363,200: And, as I was saying to you last night, I will not feel comfortable around her until she has apologised to those she has hurt.
At the same time, I was talking to Dave about the benefits of forgiving Tori. Dave went out with Tori a while ago and he really really liked her. She dumped him two weeks later though and he's never quite gotten over it. In addition, he claims that she said one of his friends raped her. I don't know how true this is and I'm not going to speculate as to who's telling the truth because I don't know anything about it, only that Dave hates her because she accused someone of it.
[16:06:07] 31,363,200: He doesn't feel like she even needs to apologise to him and they're still friends. He agrees though that she needs to apologise to me, you and Danielle.
[16:06:39] David: she neEds no apology to me cos i wont talk to her or see her face anymore
[16:06:55] David: danielle she neEds more than a bloody apology
[16:08:05] 31,363,200: Dave, you can't think like that. I know she's hurt you so much, but if all of this is going to work, everyone, including you needs to start forgiving. If you want everyone to be ok with each other, you have to be ok with people too. I know it's a bastard, but it will be better in the long run. You have to show that you are willing if you want others to be.
He wouldn't agree though.
Unfortunately, at around 5pm, Danielle said she couldn't come to Dave's because she had a lot of Uni work which needed to be done by tomorrow. Because I had been talking pretty much non stop to Jamie and Dave since I had woken up, I had not done any work either.
While talking to Jamie, he said that he had asked Dave if he wanted to go the pub but Dave has no money. I asked him what he's doing tomorrow and to meet me and Dave and we'll go the pub. He said ok.
Jamie went after a bit and I talked to Dave a while longer, but he said that talking about it all was making him really agitated and that he was going to go. That was around 6pm or so and to be honest, I was glad that I was going to have some time to myself and that I could finally eat. I thought that would be the end of the drama for today.
Danielle called me and she was much calmer about things than last night. She said she couldn't go to Dave's, but that she'd meet me at the pub tomorrow. I was only on the phone a little while to her, but I was glad that she had calmed down a little. I asked her about what if Tori apologised to her for what she said in texts to her. She paused for a moment and said she didn't know. That's better than no.
I wished her good luck with her work and that I'd see her tomorrow.
A while later, Jamie called me and he sounded better than I thought he would, but I knew he wasn't doing good really. I told him Danielle would be coming tomorrow to the pub and asked him if that's ok and he said it was fine and that he'd see me tomorrow.
A little while later, I recieved a text from her.
She said she was making the decision to stop being Jamie's friend so that he could go out with Tori. She was very harsh on herself, saying she deserved it and whatever. I replied to her telling her she was overreacting and that she was simply upset right now. I told her to come the pub tomorrow. She agreed to, but said that her decision still stood.
I finally went downstairs for my first thing to eat all day at around 7:30pm. Ironically, Friends was on TV. The one where Rachel wants Joey, but Joey ends up kissing Ross' love interest. I just laughed inside at the cruel irony that had been playing out similarly just a few days before.
Jamie text me while I was downstairs.
"Neil you're fucking my head up. No friend should be made to choose like this."
I replied, saying that if he goes out with Tori, I would not feel comfortable in her company and nor would Dave.
"But you said I would lose you and Dave as a friend"
I replied again, saying that that is pretty much what losing a friend is. If your friends aren't willing to come and socialise with you, then that's not a friendship.
I returned upstairs around 9pm, head totally stressed. I thought it was over for the day.
[21:53:15] Tori - Happy Birthday Rob and Neil!!!: hey
[21:53:15] Tori - Happy Birthday Rob and Neil!!!: u ok?
Dear god does it end?
[21:53:26] Neil: Not really.
[21:54:48] Tori - Happy Birthday Rob and Neil!!!: how come? i dont really know what happened on saturday night with you
[21:55:26] Neil: Because I feel very hurt by you.
[21:55:35] Tori - Happy Birthday Rob and Neil!!!: how?
[21:57:36] Neil: If you hadn't have been coming onto me for the last two weeks, I would be very happy for you and Jamie. But, you did and now I feel that you may have been going out with Jamie not because you may truly like him, but because you're looking for someone to fill that hole that I know you may be feeling inside. I understand why that may be, but it does feel like I have been used by you.
[21:58:03] Neil: I don't particularly want to shout at you or be pissed off you, so I'm trying as best I can to explain this calmly with you.
[22:03:49] Tori: i get where your coming from but i have my side of this and i dont want to go into it. by the way in case you havent heard yet jamie and i r over!
[22:05:36] Neil: Yeah, I heard. And I heard that it was because you would like Danielle to not be friends with him any longer. She also unfortunately told me that you have been sending her nasty texts last night, which is sad to hear.
[22:06:10] Tori: well there are always 2 sides to the argument but people just listen to what they want
[22:06:19] Tori: and that is not the main reason we r over
[22:07:12] Neil: This is why I'm attempting to talk to you rationally over it. Because I'd like to hear your side of things too as well as hers. But I do believe that you have unfortunately hurt a few people in all of this.
[22:07:27] Tori: i havebt a
[22:07:39] Tori: sorry let me try again......
[22:08:03] Tori: actually....
[22:09:17] Tori: i'm not gonna go into it. danielle has bull shitted and jamie and you got your wires crossed! read our conversations and you'll see that in the end i apologised for building you up then backing out. i told you i wasnt sure what i wanted. i was honest and truthful
She doesn't know that I know about Danielle's miscarriage, hence why she's saying she has her side of the story. She is right about her apologising to me for building me up, but she didn't give me an actual answer the next day, only that "We'll see what happens". So of course, yes, when Saturday came, I thought there was at least a little bit of a chance. The Jamie/Tori thing blew me away because of it.
She went offline after saying that and didn't come back on. I took this to mean that she either blocked me or got too frustrated to talk further about it.
[22:26:42] Claire: Hi Neil
I looked up at the ceiling again.
"Oh my god", I said out loud, laughing in disbelief at my ex girlfriend of four years ago popped up to say hello.
[22:27:19] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Hello
[22:27:35] Claire: how are you?
[22:27:44] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Not so good. How are you?
[22:28:25] Claire: whats wrong?
[22:28:33] Claire: didn't realise your name was literal
I told her it was all complex (as this entry shows) and that I didn't really want to talk about it.
I told her she looked nice in her most recent pics.
[22:33:35] Claire: wish other people thought the same! well guys
[22:33:42] It's all gone horribly wrong.: I'm a guy
[22:34:02] Claire: i know that silly... i mean there is a few guys i liked and like and they dont think that way
[22:34:28] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Well like me.
[22:35:10] Claire: neil... i can't just like you in that way just like that
[22:35:16] It's all gone horribly wrong.: yup
[22:35:37] Claire: how is uni stuff going?
[22:36:13] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Strange how you were so eager a few months ago and now it's not even a second thought.
Uni is going well. Nothing else is.
[22:37:58] Claire: for goodness sake neil, i hardly ever talk to you, and it was more than a few months ago
[22:38:08] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Ok
Maybe I deserved that one.
A girl popped up online that I liked.
[22:37:00] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Hello
[22:37:11] Stuart smells of nice lemons: Hey
[22:37:17] It's all gone horribly wrong.: How are you?
[22:38:15] Stuart smells of nice lemons: Great, you?
[22:38:25] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Not so good. Why are you great?
[22:39:48] Stuart smells of nice lemons: Come back from an 18th birthday party. All the girls in party dresses playing old-school retro games and party bags etc
[22:42:36] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Retro games as in computer games?
[22:44:59] Stuart smells of nice lemons: nah nah nah
[22:45:00] Stuart smells of nice lemons: thats not fun
[22:45:08] It's all gone horribly wrong.: That's immensely fun!
[22:45:10] Stuart smells of nice lemons: pass the parcel etc
[22:45:22] Stuart smells of nice lemons: ...and youre wondering why you're single...
[22:46:07] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Wow, nice insult :( Nothing wrong in enjoying a few games. Nothing wrong in being a geek.
[22:47:04] Stuart smells of nice lemons: then don't complain...
[22:48:16] It's all gone horribly wrong.: Well now I'm confused. I spend five minutes talking to you and you randomly insult me. Not quite sure where that came from, but it's not really that nice to kick someone when they're down.
[22:49:21] Stuart smells of nice lemons: I just cant standd you complaining when you do yourself no favours and do nothing to change your situation except spend hours on msn.
[22:50:27] It's all gone horribly wrong.: If I had more energy, I would maybe try defending myself, but right now, I don't. Thank you for the uneccessary put downs. I will leave you alone now.
Needless to say, she is not on my contact list anymore.
I did not deserve that one.
I started writing this entry at 11:26pm and it's now 12:48am. I don't know about you, but I'm stressed just typing all of this. But there you go. The aftermath as it happens.
Tomorrow, it all starts again when I go to the pub with Jamie, Dave and Danielle. That's if one of them doesn't text or call me. I know they will. Maybe I'll end up being the bad guy in all of this because I tried to help.
Wouldn't that be ironic?
