My birthday started off like any other day really, I woke up around 1pm and my Mum and Gary said happy birthday to me. They invited me to come for a meal with them, but I declined, because where they were going, I didn't really like the food. Instead, I chose to put �35 on the Grand National but unfortunately lost it all because none of the five horses I put bets on came anywhere.
I caught a train into town to meet all of my friends around 7pm and go to the AJs around 7:30pm. Jamie, Dave, Jo and Rob were there and we all laughed and chatted for quite some time together. It's the first time I've seen them since February.
After a while, the likes of Patrick arrived, then Rob and Tori and then Liam. Good times.
We all laughed and joked about various things and it was a great night out. Tori looked lovely and I have to admit that there was a part of me that would have really liked to kiss her, but what happened later on in the night would put an end to that.
Throughout the night, I heared snippets of conversation with Tori and other people. Firstly it was about her miscarriage and then secondly, it was about Jamie. I'd like to think I'm fairly good at piecing together disjointed information and when I heard Jamie and Tori in the same sentence, my mind immediately jumped to them doing stuff togethe, since Tori had already told me that she had kissed him three weeks earlier.
I dismissed it though, because I was having a good time with my friends.
Around 10:20pm, Tori said "Jamie wants you at the bar". The only time anyone ever wants someone at the bar is when you need to tell them something and usually it's something bad and since I already had my suspicions, I went prepared.
At the bar was Jamie and Carl.
"Hey, you wanted me?" I said to Jamie. He looked at me, with an uncomfortable look. His words came slow and stuttered.
"Me...and Tori...are seeing each other"
Right then, my heart sunk.
"Cool", I said, "That's great", I said.
He already knew that I liked her just as much as he did because we've often talked about how we both do like Tori. However, the fact that she had been coming onto me for the last two weeks is what made this hurt.
"Dude, you know I would never hurt you", he said to me.
"No I know, it's fine, Jamie, it's fine", I said, drinking my drink a little quicker and filling the silence that ensued. "It's fine"
"Both of us know that we both fancy her", I said to him, "So yeah, I hope it works out for both of you".
I could feel the lump forming in my throat, though I was trying my best not to look too upset.
"It's fine Jamie, it's fine", I said, trying to look strong.
For the next 15 minutes or so, I talked with Jamie about it and though everything I was saying was the truth, I could still feel this lump forming in my throat.
"It's fine Jamie, it's fine", I said again, but both Jamie and I knew it wasn't.
"Dude", he said, "I'm so sorry"
And then he hugged me. And he did so because he knew how bad I felt about it all even though I wasn't showing it.
"I love you Jamie", I said to him.
"I love you too dude", he replied.
"And I not pissed you, honestly" I said, "I'm not. It's just that...she said this to me as well. Did she tell you that she said this to me?"
"Yeah"
"And now she's said the same thing to you except you went there. It just feels...I dunno..."
"Dude, you can punch me if you want"
"No...this isn't your fault. It's not. It's Tori's for telling me everything. You know, I love you Jamie", I said, and I could feel that lump in my throat getting bigger, "and I...I want the best for you, and Tori too. But what hurts is that she said all this to me too and she invited me up to see her too. And I said no because of everything that happened. And then she's said the same thing to you and...just be careful. Just...just have fun, have all the fun you want, but just...just don't feel too much", I said. It was around this time that the tears started trickling down my face.
I tried so very hard to hold them back as I was talking, but talking made them come easier and as I was talking, they just began to fall. Jamie put his arm around me as I began to cry.
"I don't even know why I'm crying", I said to him, trying to laugh through my tears. "It's not like I was madly in love with her or anything...it's just that what she said to me..."...and the tears ran some more.
It was around this time that Dave made an appearance and saw me in tears and stuck around to talk to me and Jamie. Rob also passed us on the way to the toilet so I'm sure he saw my tears as well and then finally, Tori herself passed us and went to the toilet. I'm sure she saw me in tears as well.
Me and Jamie have always been the best of friends. Me, Jamie, Dave. We are the core. We are the original group. We have known each other for the last three or four years. We're good friends. Jamie is one of my best mates and I could never hate him. I love him. And even though he is now seeing Tori, even though I had the chance to but said no because I thought it was the right thing to do, I don't hate him because of it. I just feel so hurt though. So unwanted. So rejected. So...passed over. By Tori.
I must have spent a good half an hour at the bar or near the bar with Jamie/Carl/Dave before I decided that enough was enough and that it was time to go. I had planned on going to clubs and getting very pissed and having an awesome time, but suddenly, I didn't really feel like doing so. I just wanted to go.
Dave was ready to go too, since he didn't have any money to go to any clubs anyway. He said he was going to go sit on the beach for a while and watch the sunrise. I said I'd join him and decided to follow him to the train station.
Before I left, I hugged Jamie again by the bar. "Good luck", I said. "You're my fucking best friend, Jay and I love you. Just...be careful."
And then I went outside to where everyone else was sitting. Where Tori was sitting too. I wanted to try my best to be nice to her and I gave her a hug.
"Good luck", I said, as I hugged her.
"I'm so sorry", she replied.
It didn't mean a thing to me. Sorry is not good enough right now.
After that, I hugged everyone else goodbye, even though I had been waiting for weeks to spend the night with them and then walked to the train station with Dave and Carl. I felt like absolute shit and looked it too. I was in no mood to even try to fake a smile.
Though the idea was to go back to where Dave lived and sit on the beach, his train had already gone and they were going to get the bus home. However, my train was still due to arrive and so I decided to get that instead. Dave and Carl got on the same train as me and got off at an early stop to get home. I told Dave I might see him next week if I'm out and I shook Carl's hand. And then I carried on the journey home on my own.
Even though it's a 30 minute walk home from the station, I decided to do it anyway. I wanted some time to think, but all I wanted to do all of the way home was cry. I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes as I replayed everything that had happened over the last two weeks or so. It just made me want to cry. I feel so damn unwanted. So rejected. So used, even. To be told "I want to sleep with you" makes you feel quite attractive, quite wanted. To go from that to learning that your best friend is now seeing that girl because he took her offer up of going to see her and I didn't...it just makes me think all kinds of things. Lots of "What if?". What if I had gone to see her when she asked - even though she was drunk at the time.
I don't even fancy her that much. It's not like I have even though about her in a sexual way up until about two weeks ago. Yes, she's gorgeous, yes, I'd definitely like to do stuff with her, but no, I was quite happy simply being her friend and then she had to make things complicated and now here I am, writing an entry about my fucked up birthday instead.
Why does this happen to me? Why do I seem to be constantly rejected? Why am I always the friend, never the lover? Why am I always walked on? It really is not fair. I felt so happy that Tori thought I was nice. I even knew that it was fleeting, but the fact that someone wanted at least a part of me felt nice. And then to learn that, oh, sorry, you've been forgotten about because I've met up with your best mate instead...it really does hurt.
So, here I sit, very upset, having cried in front of my friends for the first time ever, all because of Tori, who I thought was my friend. Friends don't make friends cry. Friends don't make you feel like I feel.
It's weird. I really don't feel pissed at Jamie at all. I can understand why he accepted Tori's invite to go and see her. I mean, just like Tori, he too has come out of a long lasting relationship so right now they're both just looking for company. But hey, so am I and I'm sorry, but after so many disapppointments and being reject, I think I deserve to be loved by now. To be made to feel wanted. And because Tori made me think she wanted me, that's what hurts. I feel...I just feel so rejected and used.
I know she's going to try and message me either tomorrow or maybe the next day when she is back home. I don't know what to say to her. I don't think I even want to talk to her right now so I'm going to say that to her. "Sorry, but I dont' think I want to talk to you right now because you have hurt me a lot". I'm going to say that to her because it's true. I don't care if you've been dumped and I don't care if you've had a miscarriage, you don't fuck your friends around like she has with me. Because then I become fucked up too. Like right now. Upset. It just isn't fair when I try so hard to be the best person I can with both friends and any potential love interests.
And as for Jamie, I don't know. He's my friend. I can't not keep him as a friend. He's always been there for me, which is why I consider him my best friend. But I know that he and Tori are not destined to be together, but rather, are only together because they both want a bit of company right now. But hey, I wanted some company too. I guess I'm always the one who gets screwed over though.
I don't really know how to end this entry so I'm just going to end it, other than to say that my twenty third birthday was not one that I will hold close to my heart.
