Today has been a bit of a crappy day really. All I've really wanted to do is come back to my room and do nothing.
My day started with me picking up a letter by the door to the street from the Uni that says my �200 cheque for my bond has bounced. My Mum's fault, since it was her cheque. I had to go and see them and sort it out. What I find a little annoying though is that they're more than happy to ask for money, yet it's been nearly a month since I complained about various problems with the accommodation and none have been fixed and the accommodation itself was dirty when I arrived. And then of course we have the rats to talk about. They want me to pay them for this?
My first class was my Type as Expression class. While I do enjoy it, today felt like there was a little too much to take in and it left me feeling a bit overwhelmed. I wasn't the only one.
Debra reviewed ten of my magazine covers and said I still need to break up the evenly spaced elements that I keep doing. I try to, yet I still do it. She also said I need more interesting source material.
That's proving to be a problem, really. Interesting source material isn't easy to come by and I've already exhausted my collection of source material that I've collected over the last year and a half. I'm going to have to start either re-photocopying some of it or maybe find odd bits of type on packaging and things like that.
By next week I have to create another 15 covers. Since I was already ahead of schedule, I have three covers already designed. This should help me achieve 15 by next Monday if I can find some more interesting source material.
After the lesson, me and Tom had a few games of pool. Well actually, it was more than a few. We had a total of six games and the score between us is now 16-9. I'm catching up slowly!
I love playing pool after one of my classes. It's such a good way to get rid of the stress that has built up. You'd think that only having three hours of classes per day would be totally easy, but sometimes the work that they want gets on top of you and you end up panicing.
After we had exhausted our funds for pool, I said goodbye to Tom and went the library to talk on MSN for a bit and to do some research. I didn't really get round to the research, but I did talk to Claire online for a while.
I got to the point quite quickly with her and asked what was it exactly that she wanted from me. I didn't put it in those words, but that's what I asked. She said she was fine with the kissing, but she didn't really want to do anything more serious than that and she definitely doesn't want anything as serious as a boyfriend. I said that was fine, but in truth, it's not fine. I want something more than the odd date.
It's also quite easy to tell that she isn't that bothered either way really. I mean there is no kind of "Hey, I can't wait to see you again! :)" messages coming from her. Or, indeed just a "I'd like to see you again". It was left down to me to ask her where I actually stood.
I choose the wrong girls.
While in the library, I met Kerry and I gave her her �40 back. She went to go and sit somewhere else with a few other friends and though I wanted to, was talking to Claire and at least trying to do some research.
Cat arrived a little while later and I talked to her for a bit, leaving the conversation with Claire. As me and Cat talked, thoughts were running through my head. "Why can't you like me instead?", I was thinking. Of course, I know that I'm not her type and I know that even if for some reason, I did get a chance with her, it probably wouldn't work. She likes different things. I just fancy her and it's easy to lose sight of the fact that fancying someone isn't enough. The fact that she is my friend would always be a problem as well.
Friends. They're horrible things sometimes when you'd really like more.
I hate the fact that even though I do fancy Cat (and indeed Kerry! - They are both nice), because I'm now their friend, I know I will never have the chance to be anything else. I know that in the long run, friends are far better and far more important than any passing girlfriend, but I also know that there is going to be some guy who one of them will meet and he will no doubt be able to make a move on whoever without a care in the world.
Confidence. Confidence is something I lack so damn much.
There is also a girl in my classes. Alishya. Ginger hair, glasses, artistic, nice voice. That's pretty much full marks in my book! Of course, the friendship rule once again applies. Because I see her Monday to Thursday and because I haven't and don't have the confidence to be anything more than a passing friend to her, that is all I will ever be. And I know that even if I did have the confidence, if she wasn't interested, things would be very weird between us and then I'd have to see her for four days a week. It just would not be a good idea.
So who the hell do I go after? If not girls I get to know over time, who?
I used to think that getting to know a girl and becoming friends with them was the best idea by far because you learn stuff about them and learn what their likes and dislikes are but by becoming friends, that's all that it will ever amount to. With me anyway.
I would like to think that I'm a good friend. No, I would go so far as to say that given the chance, I am both a loyal, caring, generous friend who is more than happy to put a smile on someone's face. But then by being that friend, I get stuck there. I get stuck in the "You're a great guy, but I just don't see you like that" category because that person sees me as a friend rather than a potential relationship. It sucks a lot.
Kerry and Cat said they were going to go and do drinking games at the house where Cat is moving on Friday. She's moving out of her room on campus because she doesn't like it there. They asked me to join them and I said I wasn't sure.
The first idea was that we'd be going the Bouverie for a drink and I was up for that, but drinking games isn't so appealing. I go for a drink because I like to socialise. I don't care about the alcohol, I go for the company. Drinking for drinking's sake just doesn't sound fun to me.
I said I didn't fancy going and besides, I realised that I had work to do for tomorrow and I hadn't done any of it. If I had work pending for the next day, the last thing I want to do is go and get drunk in someone's house. If I don't like doing that on a good day, chances are I'm not going to want to on a bad day.
They both did their best at trying to convince me to go and I did want to, just not when I had work to do for tomorrow. It makes me feel like such a boring bastard when I say no. It also makes me feel like maybe they will stop asking me if I say no often enough. It's not that I don't want to drink at all, just that I have to be in the mood to.
We went to Kerry's house while she got ready to go to the place they were going to play drinking games and then we went to Cat's so she could get ready too. Again, they did their best to convince me that I could still do my work either when I got home tonight or tomorrow morning before my class but I don't work like that.
Once the two of them were ready, we were about to go and then Kerry opened Cat's room door, stole my phone off me and said "You have to come now, I have your phone!" and ran off! I managed to grab her and tickle her but she escaped and shot off down the corridoor, three flights of stairs (nearly breaking her ankle!) and out of the hall. I gave chase of course, but I had a heavy bag around my neck/shoulder so it wasn't like I could catch up. Still, it was quite fun chasing her!
Outside, she stood on the opposite side of a wall. I went to move towards her and she moved. She looked at me mischeviously.
"You've gotta come now", she said.
"I can't though", I said, explaining that I needed to do my work.
"Come onnn, you know you want to!"
"I know I do, but I can't"
Cat joined the action a few minutes later, taking her time to walk down the stairs instead of jumping down them like me and Kerry had just done.
"Quick Cat, run!", Kerry said, darting off with my phone. I would have chased her more, but the bag was slowing me down and I couldn't be bothered so I just let her run off and I walked behind them. I looked like a stalker!
"Once we get out of the Uni I'm turning left", I shouted to them, referring to the fact that home was left, drinking games was another way.
"I've got your phone though!", shouted Kerry.
"I don't care", I said, "I'll get it off you some other time". And I would have too. I'd quite happily walk away without my phone but I knew that she wasn't about to really steal it on me anyway.
Her and Cat stood on the other side of the road as I stood looking at them.
"I'm going this way now", I said, pointing the way to home.
"Come on, just come!", Kerry said.
"I can't though!"
I crossed the road and they both waited for me, though Kerry would still not give my phone back.
"Just come, you'll have a good time", Kerry said.
"I want to and I would if I didn't have work to do for tomorrow. I'll come out another time, I promise.
"There you go he's promised, give his phone back. He (Or she might have said 'it')'s slowing us down.", Cat said. I think she was a little annoyed that Kerry/I were messing about and repeating the same conversation.
"Ok, Wednesday then", Kerry said.
"Yeah sure", I replied.
"You've promised now so you have to!"
"I will! I would anyway. I don't have anything on Thursday other than a lecture."
"And you have to come to the pub and then to Brannigan's too"
"Ok"
And so forth until she had me swearing that I'd catch Gonhorrea and not have sex for the next six years if I didn't come out on Wednesday. Really!
I said sure, and pinched my phone back off her before saying I'd see them tomorrow or Wednesday and then headed home.
Walking back, I was worried that maybe the two of them would talk about me and say things like "God, he's so difficult to get out!", or "He's so weird about coming out". And the fact is, I guess I am, but it's only because really, I'm still new to it all and besides, it has never and will never be as big a part of my life as it is for Kerry and Cat. Ever. I like drinking. I don't like overdoing it.
Back home, I had something to eat and talking to Ahmid (with an 'i', not an 'e'. I found out today!). I asked him what Gulu means in Indian. Apparantly it means 'round'. I had been calling Anil...round. Haha. Not good, considering he, well...is. I feel guilty!
From 11pm until 2am, I have been doing my homework for my Introduction to Digital Technology class tomorrow. I know 100% that I made the right choice in not going to play drinking games with Kerry and Cat. I know 100% that it was a wise decision to complete my work. I just wish I didn't feel like there was lots of pressure on me to forget about it and go drink instead.
Since getting home, I have been feeling pretty alone for reasons I've already explained about feeling inadequate, self concious, lack of confidence and in general, pretty damn lonely. I even ended up rambling to Ahmid about it. Half of the stuff I said went completely over his head and he didn't understand but I needed to say the words and I didn't care if he understood or not, I just felt like they needed to come out.
I don't see how my loneliness will be resolved any time soon. I have no real options currently, other than maybe seeing Claire again who doesn't actually want much anyway so even that isn't much of an option. Hannah...god knows. And that's it. They are my current 'options'. I wouldn't call them very good options and no others are making themselves known to me right now.
I will end on a good note, though. I went into CITS (Chester Information Technology Services or something) and asked when my accommodation would be recieving the net. He said they started putting it in all of the houses last week and it'll take them a few weeks to get it sorted but he couldn't give me a definite time when I'd have it because there is no order in which the houses are being looked at.
"So maybe months then...", I said, sighing.
"No", he said, dimissing it, "give it three or four weeks and it should be done by then"
It may be a month away, but it's a timeframe at least. It's something to look forward to. Here's hoping I'm back online in four weeks.
