Things are (not surprisingly) the same with Hannah. I try my best to explain to her that she is hurting me and not only that, but she's pretty much on the verge of losing me altogether. However, she had invited me to come and stay with her while her Mum was away for four days at hers which I was looking forward to. I had already not seen her for over three weeks. However, I got a chance to see her before that on Thursday.
On Thursday, a letter came from Chester Uni. It was simply a confirmation that I had a place in shared accommodation and that I just had to return an enclosed acceptance slip. Since it was a really nice day though and since I had nothing better to do, I decided that I might as well get myself out of the house and hand deliver the letter to Chester Uni instead. I don't mind an hour on the train.
While thinking about this, I also decided to ask Hannah if she'd like to come with me, since I pass through her station on my way to Chester. Surprisingly, she said yes and that made me happy.
Unfortunately, by the time I got to her station, I realised that I probably wouldn't have time to get to Chester before the accommodation office shut. Instead, I got off at Hannah's station and decided to just post the letter instead after meeting her.
After walking to find a postbox, we went back to hers. However, she had locked herself out. Pretty clever! So then we were pretty much stuck for things to do. We sat outside her front door while she text her Mum saying she had locked herself out.
I had only been with her for about 15 minutes at this point and I didn't exactly want to go all the way back home so soon. I decided to invite her out for a meal in town. Something enjoyable.
So, we headed into town. It felt nice seeing her after not doing so for weeks.
It was still fairly early to eat so I suggested we go the cinema and see what was on instead. We went to Crank, which was much better than I thought it'd be. She was going to pay for herself, but I offered to instead. It proved difficult though watching the film; I really wanted to just spend the next two hours kissing Hannah. We did kiss for a bit, but truth be told, I didn't want to miss the film!
By the time the film finished, it was 6:30pm and since I wasn't ready to go home, I suggested we go for that meal.
We went to the place I took her last time, The Tavern and had a nice meal, although I was feeling kind of tired and didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do. Still, it was nice to spend some time with Hannah.
Halfway through our meal, Patrick text me saying that everyone was heading to the AJ's a little later on and invited me to join them. Since I was already in town, I decided to do so.
After we'd finished our meal, we headed back to the station so Hannah could catch her train home. I invited her to the pub, but she had to get home to pack; She was going away for the weekend for a dancing competition. I gave her a hug and tried to kiss her but she kept backing off. I just wanted to give her a long kiss before I left her but she wouldn't. She just pecked my lips. She said she didn't want to do it in public. It's just a kiss!
Meh. Anyway, I said goodbye to her and told her I'd see her Monday when I came to hers. I headed up to the AJ's to meet my friends and had quite a good night with them. Dave said he wanted me to design him a business card. I said I usually charge �100 for them, but that I'd do it for �50.
The next day, we all decided to head up there again and had another fun night. I don't exactly have a lot of money, but I'd rather have some nice nights out with my friends than be stuck in the house.
Over the weekend, I was very much looking forward to seeing Hannah and being with her for four days. I have to admit that I prefer it when she comes here, but I'm willing to do anything and go anywhere to be with her.
On Monday when she got back from her competition I asked what time I should come but she said that she was feeling too tired. I said that was fine and it was understandable after partying all weekend. I said I'd see her the next day instead.
So, Tuesday came.
[12:46:34] 12 days left: Am I coming to yours?
[12:47:23] i'll let you whip me if i mis-behave.: I dunno.
[12:47:30] 12 days left: Why?
[12:49:58] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't know
[12:50:08] 12 days left: Uh. Right. Ok then.
Yeah. As you can imagine, I was both disappointed and annoyed.
[13:39:33] 12 days left: Why do you keep hurting me no matter how good
I treat you? You hurt me so much.
[13:44:53] hannah is doing good most of the time: I haven't even done anything.
I copied and pasted what she'd said.
[13:46:33] hannah is doing good most of the time: Yeah, so what have i done?
[13:46:44] 12 days left: You've said no to seeing each other yet again
[13:47:30] hannah is doing good most of the time: I said no?
[13:47:36] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't think i did.
[13:47:43] 12 days left: I don't know is pretty much a no.
[13:47:51] 12 days left: And it's certainly not a yes.
[13:49:45] 12 days left: Which just shows me that you're not really that bothered. If you have to say "I don't know" instead of a definite yes, then you're obviously not sure about it. And it's not really that nice to hear when I thought this was supposed to be a new start and you were trying to be better at this.
[13:51:45] 12 days left: And "I don't know" gives me nothing. It gives me no reasons. No explanation. It makes me have to enquire further just to get to see you. Why? Why do I have to always be the one asking. If you say "I don't know", you leave me with nothing.
[13:56:03] hannah is doing good most of the time: I'm sure about it no. Because i'm actually really tired and i don't know whether i want anyone here. It's not about you. Or me trying to be better at whatever. I'm on a real downer. That's why i don't know.
[13:56:29] hannah is doing good most of the time: I'd just rather be here on my own.
[13:58:41] 12 days left: Saying I don't know doesn't give me anything to work with. You don't explain why. And if all you say is "I don't know", then what am I supposed to think other than you don't want to see me? You said I'd come to yours yesterday and then you said no and now it looks like you're pretty much saying no today as well. It's just no after no...surely you can see that.
[13:59:28] hannah is doing good most of the time: You know, having a go at me doesn't make anything better.
[13:59:43] 12 days left: And leaving it be doesn't either.
[14:25:23] 12 days left: All you're doing is pushing me away
[14:26:20] 12 days left: And I'm ready to stay away now after so many months of being pushed away. I can't do it anymore.
[14:26:48] hannah is doing good most of the time: I'm sorry then.
[14:27:11] 12 days left: It doesn't even feel like you want to be with me
[14:27:22] hannah is doing good most of the time: It's not like that.
[14:27:33] hannah is doing good most of the time: It's just doesn't feel like ... real.
[14:27:36] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't know.
[14:27:38] 12 days left: Give me something to work with
[14:27:51] hannah is doing good most of the time: I can't, i'm always going to be the same.
[14:28:08] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't know how to change.
[14:29:04] hannah is doing good most of the time: It's not working for us.
[14:29:17] hannah is doing good most of the time: I'm hurting you. Thats not good.
[14:29:51] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't want to do this to you anymore.
And a few minutes later, she said she was going to go and went offline.
Today:
[12:28:21] 11 days left: I want to see you babe.
[12:28:42] 11 days left: Don't shut me out again...:(
[12:28:57] hannah is doing good most of the time: I can't help it.
[12:29:06] hannah is doing good most of the time: I don't know what i'm doing most of the time.
[12:29:11] 11 days left: I'll come to yours today.
[12:29:36] hannah is doing good most of the time: I'm not going to be here.
So fucking much for spending four days with her. So much for trying to make things better. So much for treating her as best as I can and making time for her.
I honestly don't know why I'm still trying. I want it to work so badly. I'm just blind.
She explained she was going to her aunt's instead to stay the night. I asked if she'd come here instead tonight but I recieved no answer and she went offline.
I feel like I'm being treated like shit. I treat this girl like a princess and I have all the time in the world for her yet to just be with her is an everlasting uphill struggle. And yet, I'm too scared to break it off because I guess I'm in love with the thought of actually having someone special in my life. I like the thought of having someone to cuddle up to and someone to go on dates with. But this person has not been Hannah for a long time and I don't know if it ever will be.
Everyone's heading to the AJ's on Friday. I thought about inviting Hannah to come out with me and then from there, come back to mine together. I'm sure there will be another excuse for why she can't.
In other news, my accommodation has yet to be sorted. Although I sent the letter back to Chester Uni on Thursday, they have yet to send me information on where I'll actually be living. I called on Monday to ask if they'd recieved the letter and she said she wasn't sure and to leave my number and someone would call me. No one called me. I called back the next day and she told me they'd recieved my letter but that still doesn't help me. I need to know where I'm living in 11 days! They're leaving it so fucking late and it's making me panic.
In other news, I finally metatagged all 1,270 of my photos for uploading to Flickr. I started in June! I'm in two minds whether to actually purchase an account, though. I mean, for me, I can just open up a folder and look through my photos. Flickr is more about sharing your photos with other people, I think and do I really want to buy an account for the benefit of other people? Also, suggestions for a username would be great. Something related to me.
I uploaded a batch of 140 photos to a test account. The most popular photo was of Oogee. I miss him.
