Tuesday, after she had told me she wouldn't be coming to mine, I stopped talking to her for the day. I couldn't be arsed with her. I was quite happy not talking to her, to be honest. However, at 9pm, she apologised. Well, she apologised for pissing me off but not for how things are and have been. The next hour or so was spent trying to explain to her that I haven't seen her for five weeks and that's ridiculous.
[21:15:52] Neil: You make it too hard to be with you.
[21:17:38] accidentaly in love.: I know i do .. but i can't help that. It's something that happens - i have a barrier.
[21:19:33] Neil: I can't keep it up anymore. I think five weeks is more than enough time to arrange to meet each other and I've tried quite a number of times to see you. I've offered to meet you at yours, at mine, in town. I get knocked back every time. I can't keep doing it. I have tried very hard to put you first by trying my best to understand and be patient, but five weeks is silly. Five weeks tells me you're not as interested in being with me as I am with you because you've lacked any signs showing me otherwise.
[21:27:19] Neil: I think anyone in my position would unfortunately feel the same as I do currently. I think anyone would feel that you weren't bothered, having not seen you for five weeks.
[21:27:30] accidentaly in love.: You think that you're the only one who is getting hurt by this.
[21:27:50] accidentaly in love.: Yeah but you haven't like said " Oh i'll come down and see you"
[21:28:15] accidentaly in love.: You hardly ever even want to come to mine.
[21:28:25] accidentaly in love.: Expect me to come to you al the time.
[21:29:42] Neil: Anywhere. I don't care where. But you say no, no matter what I suggest and you have never once wanted to arrange to meet me. It's always me asking you. Just another way it feels like you're not bothered. If you don't show any interest in me, there is less point in me showing any interest.
[21:32:36] Neil: It simply comes down to this; If I haven't seen you for five weeks running and it doesn't really seem like that's going to change any time soon, then I'm hurting myself and you too by trying hard to carry this on. I don't want to argue anymore. I don't want you to be upset anymore. I don't want to be upset anymore. Something has to change and it has to change soon because it simply can't go on like this.
[21:33:21] accidentaly in love.: So we work something out?
[21:33:50] accidentaly in love.: But the arguements i know will not change ... because we just feel differently about things.
[21:34:48] Neil: Ok so we work something out. I'm happy with that. Tell me how we work it out?
[21:36:55] accidentaly in love.: Ok .. we'll arrange days to see eachother ... go out together and we'll stick to them. Or i'll stick to them. I'll try not to be so "moody" .. and i'll show you how much i want you more? ..... I want us to go to eachothers house. Not jsut me coming to you.
[21:37:55] Neil: You said somehting similar five weeks ago. You said I come to yours one week, you come to mine the next. I came to yours. You didn't come to mine. I'm not saying you mean to, but you really don't keep to what you say you'll do.
[21:38:38] accidentaly in love.: Ok i don't know what to do then.
[21:39:52] Neil: I'm totally at a loss as to why it seems impossible to be with you. Regularly. This has to be the hardest relationship/dating/whatever I've had...and still want. It just should not be this hard and it never has been.
[21:44:40] accidentaly in love.: All i am saying is that i'm in a bad situation - because i was ready and more then happy to be ,coming to see you.
[21:44:50] accidentaly in love.: And you say .. " Oh it's just thrush" ..
[21:45:07] accidentaly in love.: But it's painful .. and uncomfortable .. and irritating.
[21:45:49] Neil: Ok, I apologise for saying it's just thrush then. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like it's nothing. I'm sure it's uncomfortable. But, I also don't think it's reason enough to not see each other.
[21:46:13] accidentaly in love.: Then you come to me.
And from there it was arranged that I'd go to hers yesterday, which I did.
So now, I'm in a strange position again. I told myself that I'd give her one more week to 'change' and that change has happened. So do I carry on seeing her now and hope that things will change for the better from now on? Or do I break it off and focus on maybe finding a relationship at University instead?
Hannah has also said that she's going out on Monday with her friends. It's her friend's birthday. She's invited me to go out with her and I said I would. That's an improvement I guess. I suppose I'll just have to see what the next few weeks are like.
As for Claire, I don't know. I read what you said in my guestbook and I do agree with you, but since I don't really have much of a relationship right now, I guess the fact is, I don't want to rule out meeting up with Claire in a few months if I happen to be single then. I don't want to ruin my chances of it I guess. And yes, I realise that that's basically like saying I don't like Hannah enough to forget about other girls, but as I say, I'm not very confident that this is going to last right now so I'd rather keep my options open. At least for the moment.
Or, maybe I should just forget about them both and every other girl on the planet and focus on other things!
