[15:49:12] Neil: I think you were so just saying what you said about me being the best sex you've had. :P
[15:49:37] Claire: no way, you were definitely the best, and I definitely not forgotten about your tongue!!
[15:49:46] Claire: fuck me that was awesome
[15:50:01] Claire: i actually think about it quite often :D
[15:50:11] Neil: Really? You're so lying lol :P
[15:50:19] Claire: i am not lying!!
[15:50:22] Neil: You think about my tongue? Bad girl! :P
[15:50:32] Claire: i was only talking about it the other day with one of my friends!
[15:50:32] Claire: lol
[15:50:42] Neil: hehe what were you saying?
[15:51:08] Claire: just that you were by far the best sex I had ever had and you were fucking amazing at oral
[15:51:18] Claire: and you had a big willy :$
[15:51:18] Claire: cute
[15:51:22] Neil: haha
Later, we started texting each other and she sent me some pictures of herself. It was weird seeing a girl I haven't seen naked for four years, but certainly not unpleasant!
We ended up talking dirty to each other via texts and then I suggested we talk to each other on the phone. We spent an hour and a half talking to each other.
How weird is that? How weird is it that an ex girlfriend of four years ago shows more interest in me than the girl I'm currently dating?
She says she misses me. Claire, that is. I doubt it's true. I suppose it's nice to hear, but I'm not fooling myself. She broke up with her boyfriend of four years two months ago. I'm thinking she just wants someone to rebound off and that's why she got in touch with me. She says that she's not looking for a relationship with anyone either so I know she just wants the sex with me. I'm under no illusions that anything is going to come of this in terms of a relationship. But, I suppose if I'm honest, it'd be nice to think she'd like one with me. Not so much because I'm still interested in her, but because it'd be nice to be wanted for who I am rather than simply sex.
She says that she'll come up and see me some time. I said she probably won't in the end, but she assured me she will. She said maybe in October. It'd be really really weird if we do meet up and have sex, but not something I'd say no to.
Do you think I'm right about her just wanting a rebound guy? She told me that she got over the guy she was going out with in just a few days but while she may believe that, I don't. She also says that she had sex with him a few days ago because she wanted the sex. I'm not sure if I want to be used purely for sex, even with someone who I had great sex with. As I said, we'll see how this turns out.
I find it impressive that I spent an hour and a half talking to her on the phone. It was mostly flirtatious, but there were a couple of niceties thrown in. She said I was the best she's been with. It made me feel good. She said that if she could come up sooner, she definitely would. I'd like her to.
As for Hannah, she acts more and more like she's not particularly bothered about me anymore. I asked if she'd come here on Wednesday.
[21:03:44] Neil: And you won't be bored on Wednesday hopefully babe.
[21:03:44] i wish i was special.: lol Ah well
[21:04:15] i wish i was special.: Why not?
[21:04:20] Neil: Because you're coming here
[21:04:36] i wish i was special.: Yeah?
[21:04:36] i wish i was special.: And what ...
[21:04:36] i wish i was special.: LOL
I know she's only joking, but she jokes about it a lot and I suppose if you say something often enough it becomes the truth.
And I guess it's pretty crap that I'm even considering doing stuff with Claire when I have Hannah. But of course the fact is, I *don't* have Hannah. I haven't even seen her for over a month and she's also said quite clearly "don't wait" for her. I'm tired of waiting for her. I think I'm a very patient, loving and understanding person, but I have my limits. I also have my own needs to think about. I don't want to feel like I'm pining over someone when it's not neccessary. So that's why I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong by talking to Claire. Believe me, if Hannah started showing me the same type of affection that any boyfriend/girlfriend should show each other, my attention would be solely on her.
[17:24:23] Neil: You belong here
[17:24:38] i want to hate you. half as much as i hate myself.: I don't .. i belong here :D
[17:25:07] Neil: Well that's not very girlfriendly of you
In other news, I called my Nan to thank her for calling me on Thursday. She had called, but I was away from my phone at the time and I just wanted to say that I appreciated her calling me. She told me that I was more than welcome to come round any time and if I ever needed anything, all I had to do was ask. My Nan makes me feel cared about.
In the time since Oogee has died, my Mum has yet to call me. Just texts. The same text. One per day. I got bored of replying to them so when she sent me one today, I didn't reply. She sent the same text again a few hours later, but again, I didn't reply. A few hours after I had spoken to my Nan, she text me a third time saying "I do care about you you know". I'm guessing maybe she spoke to my Nan and my Nan told her I felt like she didn't. I knew that would be the case anyway and it's one of the reasons why I told my Nan I felt like she didn't. I knew it'd get back to my Mum. I wanted it to get back.
A text is all well and good, but a phonecall isn't hard. Just one. And of course, moreso than a phonecall, some support would have been nice when I asked for it. Instead, it ended up being my Nan being there for me.
I can't believe that in only five weeks or so, I'll be moving to Chester. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I wasn't at first. I was quite worried about it. Thankfully however, I've overcome that stage and there's clear sailing ahead. I think University is going to be where I'm going to grow as a person. I think when I finish University in 2009, I won't recognise me if I met me today.
I say this because the last three years has also shaped me. In the last three years, I've gained skills, friends and more self confidence. The last three years have been some of the most important years. I believe the next three will be as important.
