I recieved no reply to my 480 character text last night. However, my Mum began sending me them around an hour ago. As I said, she doesn't ever call me, just texts me. A phone call would be nice, especially since it ends up being more of a texting conversation than something she needs to tell me. I also find it kind of ironic that she texts all in uppercase, which makes it look like she's shouting. Ironic, because she probably would be if she was talking to me in person.

elo how r u have u had your results today xx

I text back, saying I got them a week ago. I also asked her if she had recieved my long text, explaining everything to her. I was hoping for some sort of...I don't know. I don't know what I wanted. I just thought that maybe by letting her know what I had been through on Thursday she might be more sympathetic but it seems not.

yes and what where your results xx

"yes". That pretty much said it for me. Nothing more than an affirmation, though I had tried to explain what I had been through.

I told her my results.

Well done you. I know you're sad but neil life goes on and your life will change for the better soon. Everyone was at my party except you.

I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit about a birthday party just four days after losing someone I cared a lot about.

And I hate the way she says "life goes on". Five or six years ago, my Grandad died. My Mum and him were very close and she loved him a hell of a lot. It tore her up inside. She was devastated. Now, what if a week after he had died I turned around to her while she was in the stages of bereavement and said "But Mum, he's gone and there's nothing you can do about it" or "Life goes on"? How the hell would that make her feel? Those are not comforting words and I'd never dream of saying them to anyone, yet she has said exactly those words to me. I don't understand how she thinks it helps. It just makes me feel worse that the one person who I should be able to turn to for some emotional support is not there for me.

I didn't reply to her message after that, but she sent me one a few minutes later.

Do you want to meet Sunday for a meal?

I haven't text her back with an answer. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to sit with her because I know she'll just want to talk about things which I don't want to hear. The simple act of actually using my voice to speak (as opposed to typing) feels like an effort right now. And then when she sees I'm miserable all evening with her, she'll no doubt get pissed off that I couldn't be happier and then she'll blame me for not being out for her birthday and the depressive cycle I'm already in will be made worse. I don't really want that. I may have to decline her offer.

In other news:

[11:43:23] Neil: Hi
[11:49:19] i'm buried underneath.: Hey :D
[11:49:26] Neil: How are you?
[11:49:56] i'm buried underneath.: Really really happy thankyou. How are you?
[11:50:19] Neil: How come so happy?
[11:50:37] i'm buried underneath.: I got my letter today :D heh
[11:50:53] Neil: Oh right
[11:51:12] Neil: And is he ok?
[11:52:15] i'm buried underneath.: Yeah he's great ... he said it's like Butlins bu without the beer and swimming pool hehe
[11:52:25] Neil: And how long is he in prison for?
[11:53:24] i'm buried underneath.: His Barrister is appealing soon .. and he could be home in 3-6 months .. if it goes well ..
[11:53:30] i'm buried underneath.: If not he'll do the full 12
[11:53:48] i'm buried underneath.: So it's all good :)

Great. Her ex boyfriend sent her a letter from prison and now she's happy. Doesn't really make me feel so good.

And 3-6 months? I thought he was going to be locked up for a few years. A few months will fly by.

So yeah. I hate that as of right now, I feel loved by very few people. The people who I thought I could count on to love me. And the sad thing is that no matter how much I'm hurt by these people around me, I still give them the benefit of the doubt and carry on loving them in the hopes they'll love me back again.

I can't wait to leave this life behind. Chester has never seemed so appealing.