I'm happy with that.
After getting my results, I decided that I'd go and see Pirates of the Carribean 2. I had really wanted to see it with Hannah, but she said she didn't want to go with me. I needed to get out of the house and I needed to do something enjoyable so I went on my own.
I sat in a stupid place and felt too silly to move. Also, I don't know whether it was simply because I was in a bad place or whether it was the projector, but the film was slightly out of focus on one side. It bugged me because if you're going to pay over the odds to go and watch a film, then you should at least to expect to see it in high quality. Unfortunately, the Odeon cinema doesn't really have that many perks and I think one of the things they need to upgrade is the projectors and screens.
The film itself was enjoyable. It beats sitting here feeling empty and lost. It was a little on the long side and it was more of a comedy than an action film, but I still enjoyed it.
After the film, I came home and when I stepped in the door way, I'm so used to hearing Oogee jump off my bed upstairs and come running down the stairs to greet me. It's so...sad not to experience that type of bond anymore.
I'm dreading Thursday. I'm scared. I don't want to go and pick his ashes up. I don't want that to be all he is now. And yet I know he is. But I also know that that's not him. What made him him is hopefully in a better place now and the body he left behind is not important. And maybe if I keep thinking that, I'll be able to go and collect them without feeling scared.
My Mum doesn't know what I have had to do over the last few days regarding Oogee. All she knows is that he is dead and gone. She doesn't know what I had to go through to part with him. She doesn't know about my hour long wait to the RSCPA, going to the vets, a post-mortem, calling them and saying the words "I'm calling about the post-mortem results of my cat", which were such horrible words to come out of my mouth. She doesn't know that he's been cremated and she doesn't know that I have to go and get the ashes on Thursday.
I think she thinks that I've buried him in the garden. That's what most people would do I guess, but I could not possibly imagine myself burying my friend. I didn't want to dig a hole for him. It would just add to the already scarring images of him I have in my head of his head resting against the kitchen table, with his eyes permanently half open. It would add to the memory I have of feeling how cold and stiff he was when I picked him up for the last time and wrapped him in a towel, after kissing his forehead for the last time.
These are memories I would rather forget. These are memories which I hope fade in time.
And then once I have the ashes, I have to scatter them in the garden. Another memory which I would prefer not to have.
I was looking through some early chat logs I have had with Hannah when we first started talking. They make me smile. Things were better then. At least for a while. She was fun to talk to and she was flirty with me. She showed me she liked me.
I got talking to another girl last night. Her name is Stacey. I was browsing Faceparty for people to talk to at about 1am last night and she popped up. I noticed on her profile that she was a fan of The Matrix so I decided to message her because she was online at the time. We ended up talking on MSN and I found that I had so much more in common with her than I could ever hope to have in common with Hannah. How ironic and sad.
This girl likes gaming. She enjoys science fiction. She enjoys the Internet. She is passionate about films. These are things that I love in a girl.
Unfortunately, she is not someone that I'd probably stand any chance of dating though as she's said that she doesn't want to or need to date anyone. Again, an unfortunate irony. I guess I could try and convince her to reconsider her thoughts on dating, but not any time soon. But my point is that at least she has interests which I can share with her. At least there's something to build a conversation around.
I'd like to say that I appreciate the comments that you have been leaving in my guestbook recently regarding the loss of Oogee and my problems with Hannah. I'm really appreciative of them. As I said a few weeks ago, my one regret about locking this diary is that I have a limited number of people viewing it now but those that still do, thank you for leaving comments and advice, especially when I ask for it.
