When I speak to my Mum in person, if she thinks she is right - regardless of whether she is or not - she won't listen. Not the first time you dispute something anyway. She will talk over you, she will talk louder than you, she will tell you you are wrong.
When speaking to her by text though, this is different. With a text, it is of course a requirement to read what the other person is saying before you can reply to it. This means I get my 'voice' heard.
She text me, asking how I was. I said I feel crap. She said I needed to get out and also asked if I had seen Hannah lately. I said no. I said that I've been alone since Thursday. I told her that it would have really helped if she had come here when I asked her to on Thursday. That it would have been so helpful if she had been there for me and because she didn't, it felt like she didn't care. This is not something that I'd be able to say to her in person, simply because her response would be so defensive that it's simply not worth arguing about it. I don't have the energy to argue at the best of times.
In reply, she said:
I offered to call in the next morning. You said no. Neil, if I work all day, I do get tired. xx
And I know that people are really tired after work, but Thursday was no ordinary day. I never, ever ask her (or indeed anyone) for much emotional support. I am happy to deal with most things on my own. Some of the things in this diary which have proven hard to cope with have never and will never be known by those around me. But Thursday, I needed someone. I needed her.
All I needed was an hour of her time to just be there for me. Instead, I had to sit there sobbing my eyes out to the point it hurt (and I wish that was an exaggeration) while on hold to the RSCPA and then calling a vet to ask if they would let me bring Oogee's body to them. I needed someone to support me through it, there and then. The next morning is no good and that's why I told her not to come the next morning. I had already dealt with the worst few hours I've ever had to experience.
Was/Am I asking too much by asking her to come when I did? Would you not have done the same? Would you not have called someone who you thought would help you?
If any of my friends had gone through a loss of any sort or Hannah or indeed even my Mum, I'd offer to come round. Even if it was 4am in the morning. This is not something I say lightly - I would do it without hesitating. I just thought that if anyone would be there to help me get through the loss of something that I held dear, it would be my Mum.
Was I asking too much? I'd like to know please. Advice would help me get over it quicker.
