[18:04:15] held at gunpoint.: Hey.
[18:07:09] held at gunpoint.: Are you not talking to me?
[18:17:12] held at gunpoint.: Ok then
[22:21:13] held at gunpoint.: Can you tell me *why* you aren't talking to me?
[22:25:30] held at gunpoint.: 8-) hmmm .. ok then ..
[22:25:48] held at gunpoint.: I really *don't* understand what the deal is.
[22:26:55] held at gunpoint.: Because i didn't come to yours on friday? .. well, i'm sorry .. i had some really bad news. But you wouldn't understand that.
[22:28:10] held at gunpoint.: Nor care.
This is while I was not there to answer Hannah. I was in bed. She had some realy bad news but I wouldn't understand or care about it? When I've just lost someone I loved two days ago? I don't know what it is to have bad news?
Strike one.
[22:56:46] Neil: You're pissed off at me for not talking to you and for not asking sooner. I have been in tears since Thursday. I haven't been talking to anyone. I cry in the middle of doing something. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I don't know how to comfort you if I can't comfort myself.
[23:09:18] Neil: I left you alone. Out of fairness. Because I thought you wouldn't want to hear me being depressed. And now you apparantly think I don't know what it's like to have bad news and that I don't care.
[23:12:03] held at gunpoint.: No i don't want to hear you being depressed ... i don't think anyone likes to hear people like that. But i don't think you should just stop and think about Oogee all the time, It;s hard i understand that. But he's gone Neil. and you need to get on with it. And i didn't mean it the way it came out. You where right when you said that i was pissed that you hadn't asked what was wrong with me. I didn;t want you to comfort me. Just take alittle time out your grieving to ask me how i was. But because you didn.t i thought fuck it. He doesn;t care.
Oogee has been gone two days. I am allowed to "think about Oogee all the time".
[23:19:44] Neil: But he's gone Hannah. and you need to get on with it.
It doesn't sound very nice when it's said back to you does it...
And maybe you're right. Maybe I don't care. He's a bastard. He deserves little pity. But if you want to spend time upset about someone who treated you like shit, instead of spending time with someone who has done nothing but show you that I would do anything to make you happy, go ahead.
[23:23:02] held at gunpoint.: I'd never say that and mean it in a cruel way .. i meant it as a fact .. a fact that you can;t stop your life because of something that has happen. You have to get on with it.
[23:24:31] held at gunpoint.: And he treated me like shit, when he was drunk .. and i'm not using that as an excuse.
[23:24:41] held at gunpoint.: But he was so good to me all the other times
[23:24:41] Neil: And look...this is a time when I just can't argue with anyone. I just can't. If you want to spend your time caring about Rob then go ahead. But I can offer little sympathy, let alone when I've lost someone I cared about too. I don't know how to do that. I want you in my life, I've done everything to show you that. But I haven't seen you in three weeks and that's not my fault. I'm patient, I'm as understanding as I know how to be, but if you're not willing to return that love then that's ok. No, really, it's ok. Just let me know when you are. But I don't want to argue. I don't want to fall out with you.
It's ok for her to say "get on with it to me" after I have had to deal with a death, yet it's not ok for me to say it to her because her abusive ex boyfriend has gone to prison?
Strike two.
[23:37:12] Neil: Maybe if I wasn't upset as well I could help more. If I wasn't still trying to get over the fact that someone I have loved for six years has gone. And I had to be the one to find him and take his body home. And on Thursday, I have to go and collect his ashes.
I'm sorry if I can offer little support right now, but I have cried more in the last two days than I have in the last two years. I don't know how to make someone feel better when I've had to deal with a death just two days ago. It's too much to ask.
[23:40:15] held at gunpoint.: Yeah .. well i'm sorry aswell.
I don't think I'm saying anything unreasonable am I?
[23:42:54] held at gunpoint.: You know when i went out to chester.
[23:42:59] held at gunpoint.: With my friend.
[23:43:12] held at gunpoint.: The friend was Rob.
[23:43:24] held at gunpoint.: I needed to tell you.
[23:43:29] Neil: oh
[23:44:32] held at gunpoint.: I have to go now.
[23:44:36] held at gunpoint.: Bye x
[23:44:54] Neil: I just don't know what to think anymore.
[23:45:55] held at gunpoint.: You told me not to go... but i had to. And when you called me ... i crapped. And i had to lie to you.
[23:45:58] held at gunpoint.: I'm sorry
[23:46:48] Neil: I have never lied to you. But you seem ok about lying to me.
[23:47:18] held at gunpoint.: I done it so you wouldn;t be pissed at me ...
[23:47:38] held at gunpoint.: Because i was having a good time. And i didn;t want it to end with you hating on me.
[23:47:55] Neil: i understand
[23:48:13] held at gunpoint.: No .. no you don't.
[23:48:15] held at gunpoint.: Not one bit.
[23:48:42] * held at gunpoint. is now Offline
Strike three.
If I was any other guy, if I was any other boyfriend, they would act in exactly the same manner as I have to knowing that their girlfriend was out in town with a man who used to beat her up.
If I was any other guy, if I was any other boyfriend, they would act in exactly the same manner as I have when their girlfriend tells them that their abusive ex boyfriend has gone to prison. The fact is, on the best of days, I would not give a shit about him going to jail. But this is not the best of days, this is the worst of days. These are the days when I'm struggling to keep from crying and trying not to associate Oogee with everything I see.
I cannot support someone if I cannot support myself. I can't offer support over someone who deserves to go to jail. I can't say "I'm sorry your abusive ex boyfriend has gone to prison and that I know you're going to miss him".
Am I wrong? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? For Hannah losing him? And when I'm still trying to grieve for my cat?
This is a fucking mess.
And to top it off, Gary called me earlier. It's my Mum's birthday tomorrow and he said he was organising a surprise birthday meal for my Mum. He asked if I was coming. I said no. I can't. I don't want to go anywhere. I feel physically and mentally weak. Just walking up the stairs feels like an effort. When I wake up, the first thought I have is that Oogee is gone. That he's not sleeping by my feet at the end of the bed. I can't go anywhere.
This was the golden year. This was supposed to be when everything went right for just one year.
Everything is wrong.
