I just remembered that I had some flyers left over from posting them on Thursday. I took them out of my drawer and went to put them in the bin and I couldn't. I'm not ready to accept that he is gone. I don't know how to. I just hovered the flyers over the bin and I couldn't let go. Instead, I ended up just looking at his picture and breaking down into tears, stroking the picture and imagining I could stroke him once more.

I tried remembering all of the things he has done that made me laugh. The way he chases lights and meows to birds. The way he will try to grab my hand with his paws and then run away when I fight back. Except he'd run away in such a playful way that he knew we were playing. He knew I loved him.

But for all of the things he did that made me laugh, I can't get over the fact that he's gone and though I tried to laugh, the tears kept on falling and they still are as I write this. I have only just managed to finally fold the flyers in half and put them in the bin next to me.

Everything reminds me of him. Just looking outside makes me want him to be there, waiting for me to let him in. I expect to walk into the kitchen and he will be there having something to eat. I expect him to be sleeping on my bed or following me around the house. I can't believe he is gone.

I have never experienced a loss of someone I have loved so dearly before, let alone that which I loved the most. He did not judge me, he did not ask much of me, he just loved me and I loved him.

Hannah was online all of last night until about 1am. I didn't say anything to her. She didn't say anything to me. If she wants to support an abusive ex-boyfriend rather than a boyfriend who actually cares for her and would never harm her, then I know that she must not care about me that much.

People should not have to grieve on their own about anything, yet I am. But I appreciate those that have said they are sorry for my loss.

I have to call the vet in an hour. She'll tell me what he died of. I guess it doesn't matter...he's still gone, but I wanted to know.

I am a rational person and I know that this knot I have inside my heart and my stomach will go in time, but while it's here, it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

Update: I have just called the vet to see what the results of the post-mortem were.

Apparantly he died of something called Urolithiasis; Large crystals in his bladder. They said his bladder was large and hard and this was the cause of Oogee's death. They said I could pick his ashes up on Thursday.

I know that if only he had held on just one more day, they could have helped him. He just needed a catheter or antibiotics or some extra fluids. Just one more day. The appointment was ready and waiting for him. I could have saved him. I was too late. I should have took him earlier. I waited too long. It wasn't his time to die. I should have been more active in getting him help sooner. And now he's gone and I will never get to see him again.

Just one more day.