The vet did the post mortem on Oogee today. I was supposed to call them at 4pm and they'd tell me what he died of but I was in bed because I had woken up at 4am and didn't get back to sleep until 1pm.

I woke up and just stared at the ceiling. I started crying soon after. Eventually I had to get up, even though it was only 4am. I made myself a drink and just came online for a little while instead. I felt so sleep deprived and my stomach was empty, but I didn't (and still don't) have much of an appetite.

I ate around 9am, before calling the vet about 9:15am. I couldn't remember what she had told me last night because I was too upset. She said to call at four, but as I just said, I ended up going back to bed. I will call tomorrow.

People kept texting me while I was tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep. It was my Mum at first. She wanted to know if I was ok. I told her no and I didn't want her to call today and that I just wanted to be on my own for the next few days.

Danielle text me too and said that I should come out with her and the rest of my friends to the pub later on. I had been planning on doing this all week, but now it didn't seem like such a good idea and I didn't go.

My Nan called me asking if I was ok too. I was asleep at the time so when I answered, I was more confused than anything. I just wanted to stay asleep. At least when I sleep I don't have to think.

Hannah was supposed to come and see me today. She didn't. She was going to a wedding/party for one of her friend's sisters. She said she didn't know what time she'd be coming to mine.

I recieved a text from her at 10pm:

Hey sorry I didn't come and see you, had some bad news of my own to deal with :( see you another day x

That bad news is that her ex has most likely gone to prison. The same ex who used to hit her. She forgives him for it. She is still friends with him. She'd rather feel sorry for him than someone who actually really cares about her. Me.

I need some human touch. A hug. A kiss. I wasn't expecting her to come though. I knew it would be too much to ask for.

So now I sit here on my own for another night.

I keep thinking that Oogee is still alive. That he's just outside waiting for me to let him in. I keep looking out into the garden expecting to see him. And everywhere I look, I still see the odd tuft of fur on the carpet. He's still here, if only in memory.

I'm trying really hard to remember the good times instead of how he died. I'm trying to remember that I loved him and that I know he loved me.

I keep pausing as I write this entry. This is when my diary becomes so important. With every word I write about him and how much I loved him, more tears fall down my face. I'm crying still as I write this.

I want it to be over with. I want to get back to normal. I can't though. Every time I talk about him - even in my diary - I break down in tears. I know it's going to take time for me to get over him.

I know that when I have to go and collect his ashes and scatter them in the garden, it's going to make me even more upset for a time. But I just have to hope that in the long run, it will make me feel better knowing that at least I'll know where he rests. And at least I know he's not in pain anymore.

I need to talk to someone to get all of this out. There is no one, though. My Mum is too insensitive, my Nan doesn't really know what to say (though I appreciate her so much), Hannah is unavailable and my friends wouldn't know how to comfort me either. I don't know how to comfort me. I don't know who would.

I even though about calling the Samaritans, that's how much I need someone to talk to.

I can't believe he's gone.