Just under two weeks ago, I had my final week ever in college. It seemed pretty uneventful though because Brian wasn't even in, though everyone else was. It was weird to think that it could be one of the last times ever that I'll ever step inside the college, as I've now been there for three years and it's been there that I met the likes of Jamie and Dave, my friends.
Since I still had to see Brian to discuss some work with him, I went in on Tuesday after. He had told me to be there for 1pm, but I had to wait 45 minutes to see him because he was doing interviews. When I did finally get to see him, it wasn't for very long, but he took time to sit down with me and assess my final major project. I had wanted to try and get one of my other units up from a merit to a distinction with my FMP, but unfortunately, after talking to him about it for about 15 minutes, he decided that he couldn't give me it, which was fair enough because he explained why. He also gave me some good advice about what I should do when it comes to completing University projects. He said that I need to use more primary source materials and also show that I have researched specific artists and that I understand what made them create their art.
After that, I then gave him something that I had been working on for a while. It was an illustration of him made in Illustrator. I really like it and he did too. I had had it printed out on A3 and laminated for him as a way to say thank you for the last three years.
He asked me if I'd be going out witrh him and the rest of the class on Friday and I said I would be. So, on Friday, I got ready and headed into town to meet the rest of my class.
I got to the bar around 7:15pm where a few of them were waiting and got myself a drink. We talked for a bit, waiting for others to turn up and for Brian and Danny to arrive as well. I think it must have been around 8pm when they did and we stayed at that particular bar until about 9pm before moving onto a pub.
It was there that the majority of people turned up and most of us started to get pretty drunk. I know I did! It was pretty funny seeing Brian and Danny drunk. Danny at the best of times is pretty laid back and doesn't care what anyone thinks of him and when he's drunk he's even funnier.
I took lots of pictures throughout the night including a few of the whole group which look great. I've still got to resize them all. There's over 100!
From the pub we then went onto another bar. By this time we were all pretty drunk but we were all having a great time. Everyone was laughing and joking.
I managed to back into someone while they were carrying a full drink. They dropped it onto the floor and it smashed and so I had to go the bar with them and get them another drink which kind of sucked. I was more than happy to get them one, but she was incredibly pushy about it and I suppose I wouldn't be that surprised if she made me order a drink that was actually a little more expensive than the one I managed to knock out of her hand.
By now it was about 11pm or so and we decided to move onto another bar. However, it was at this point that the group split up and we all went to different places. I stayed with Brian, Danny, Abigail, Alex and Will. I was feeling pretty tired/drunk by now, as were the likes of Alex, Abigail and Will, but I wasn't ready to go home yet and neither was anyone else.
Brian happened to meet one of his students in there and she told him that she was in need of someone to design a website for her. He pointed her in the direction of me and Will. "Do you design websites?", she asked the both of us. I said yes, but Will hesitated. Will is an excellent graphic designer when it comes to illustration and flash design, but he doesn't know much about web design yet so I managed to get one up on him and I tried to sound confident about my abilities to create the site she wanted. I also tried to sound as sober as possible, though I was still very drunk.
She told me what she needed and I said that it was possible. She said she was wanting to spend around �50-�80 which is fine by me. I suppose ideally I'd like a little more for a full website, but that's ok. She said her name was Mitchan and that she wanted a site to advertise herself as a freelance costume designer. She said she had all of the photos and whatnot already, just that she needed someone to actually design the site. I said I could do it.
I gave her my mobile number, portfolio site and my email address and we gave each other a hug too. It's quite weird getting a job in the middle of the bar while very pissed and getting a hug as well!
The night carried on with me, Abigail, Alex, Will and their friend Matty, along with Brian and Danny hanging around the bar too. However, around about 1:30am, Danny and Brian decided to leave and they said goodbye to us all.
For the next hour or so, we took pictures and talked while all sitting around a table before we decided it was time to go home.
Once outside, Abi and Will met a girl they knew and stopped to talk to them. She was pretty cute. I left them to talk to each other while I checked my phone for messages and whatnot and then I suddenly felt a pair of hands in my jean pockets! I turned around and it was the cute girl.
"Where's your money?", she said. Confused, I looked at her hand and she was holding some of my money.
"Umm, can I have that back", I said, taking it out of her hands.
"Can I have a pound?", she said. Still drunk and far too weak to say no to a pretty girl, I said yes. It was only a few minutes later that I then learnt that it was because she needed �20 for her and her friend to get some drugs.
Then she just randomly got one of her tits out for everyone to see. That was strange! I told her she could get arrested for that but she didn't really care that much. Still, she put it away. She then said to me that if I gave her �3 she'd get her tits out for me in the corner. She said if I gave her �20 she'd give me sex. I have to admit that I was actually quite tempted. Drunk, horny and having tits flashed at me is not something I'm good at saying no to! Still, I didn't part with any more money than the pound I had already given her and she started asking others in the street if they'd give her a pound. One guy stopped and handed over some money and she gave him a long kiss for it.
I think you have to be pretty desperate if you're willing to sell yourself for a �20 bag of weed. However, she knew that she was cute and she knew that she was flirty and could get what she wanted and I too was quite tempted to hand over some money. She left us in search of other sources of money after a while.
All the time this was going on, Dylan had joined us and he was drunk. He was telling us all how we were all nice people and stuff. Your standardard drunken talk. However, after a while, he was started to get annoying and at one point, he started to try and kiss Abi! Not only that, but he then started to feel her tits which was pretty out of order. Usually, Dylan is a pretty nice guy, but then, he was being very disrespectful. I moved him back from Abi, as did Alex but he wouldn't leave us alone. I suggested that we just walk on and forget he was there but no one did. I did at one point think about bringing over one of the policemen to just move him along but after a while, we finally started to move and Dylan said goodbye to us half way down the street. From there, everyone went their seperate ways and I went home.
All in all, it had been a great great night.
The next day, I had Abi's BBQ to go to. Everyone was supposedly going but by 2pm, it emerged that not only was it now going to be raining for the rest of the day and therefore no BBQ, but a lot of people had decided that they wouldn't be turning up.
I had invited Hannah to go with me and told her to meet me at 4:30pm at the station and then we'd go there together. However, her trained got delayed lots and I ended up getting to the party at about 6pm. There weren't many people there who I actually knew. Jamie and Mike were there but Abi said they gone but they'd be back. I decided to wait for them and while I did, put some of the sausage rolls I had brought in the oven.
It didn't really feel that comfortable being in a strange house (I had never been to Abi's before) with people who I had never met before. There must have been at least 20 people there. There were only three that I actually knew. Of course, Hannah didn't know any of them so I'm sure she felt pretty uncomfortable too.
Around 7:30pm, I decided that we'd go because I got bored of waiting for Jamie - a familiar face - to return. Me and Hannah walked back to the station and waited for the train, only for Jamie and Mike to turn up right as we were leaving. Jamie asked me to come back to the party, but I said that me and Hannah we're going to go have our own party at mine! Hannah is really shy around my friends. I guess it's understandable considering she's only met them once before.
We caught the train back to mine and spent the night cuddling and kissing and playing. It was very nice. She was here all Saturday, Sunday and went home on Monday. I love her being here.
Of course there is always going to be a 'but'.
But, there still feels like there's something missing. Technically, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet and the truth is that I don't feel like I'm excited about the prospect of us being 'together' now. I was at the very beginning, but then there were lots of hiccups along the way and it kind of made that excitement disappear.
Hannah truly belives she loves me too which is...difficult. She hasn't directly said it to me, but she hints at it all of the time. I want to say it back to her so badly but the fact is...I don't love her. And the worrying thing is...I don't know if I ever will. I think she's great and I love spending time with her but it's not enough to make me love her.
It's now been over four years since I lost my virginity to a girl that I did love and I remember how I felt about that relationship. That was love. This isn't love. However, it's not simply lust either because I'm more than happy to do other things with Hannah than to just lay in bed. But love should feel like something more than how I feel.
She wants to have sex with me but I keep saying no. Well, again, she hints and I hint back that I don't want to. She gets on top of me while we're in bed and starts to slide me inside her and once I realise this, I put my hand down and move my cock back out of the way, before rolling on top of her so she can't do it anymore. I want to have sex with her, but I want it to be because I'm her boyfriend and because I love her.
I'm not her boyfriend and I don't love her. and I don't know if I can.
She asked me last night why don't I want to sleep with her. I don't know how to tell her that it's because I don't love her enough. How do you tell someone that you don't want to have sex with them yet because you don't love them?
It begs the question: If I don't think I can fall in love with her and I don't think that I can be her boyfriend, is this relationship going to go anywhere? Does Hannah want more than I can offer her, even though I would like to if I could? It's a big problem.
Even though there isn't anyone else that I'm interested in right now, I feel perhaps a little worried that if I did become Hannah's boyfriend, I'd still want to flirt and meet up with girls in the future and see if something would come of it. And of course no boyfriend should do that. This is why I haven't said to Hannah that I want to be her boyfriend yet because I'm scared that some other girl will come along in a week, two weeks, a month, whatever and she'll be so nice and lovely and I won't be single and therefore be able to do anything about it. That worries me.
I'll end this entry on a high note, however.
This summer, I intend to get a few projects completed that I've been meaning to do for quite some time. I have a to-do list on my desktop of all of the things I need to complete including:
Redesign diary
Upload The Wings material to DeviantART
Redesign The Work Of site
Make TWO stickers
Make TWO business cards
Add meta tags to all photos
Set up Flickr account
Get Uni-Help.co.uk site up and running
Finish Mario Illustrator piece
Redesign Myspace profile
That's a lot of stuff to get done. I'm already in the stages of redesigning my diary, but it's proving extremely difficult to do because I hate html and css. The design itself looks great and it's about time I redesigned this diary. I just hope I can find someone to help me out with it.
I also want to redesign my portfolio site, The Work Of. This is so I can add some new stuff to it and then advertise it over the summer in the form of stickers and business cards and maybe get some work.
I'm fed up of updating my picture archive these days because there's so many photos. Instead, I want to get myself a Flickr account. However, before I do, the best thing to do is to add meta tags to every image so that I can search through them easier once they're on there. It's going to take a hell of a long time to add tags to every image though because there's over 1,200!
There are other projects there too as you can see, but I'll tell you about them another time.
