I ended up sitting in the dark watching TV in the living room at 1am with a bottle of alcohol and a packet of crisps, attempting to calm myself down.
Today has been the same really. Perhaps not as bad though. I just want to be able to call up a few friends and go and do something, but it doesn't seem to be that easy for some reason. I want to have a fun day out somewhere. I don't want to go the pub or to a club or bar. I don't want anything to do with alcohol, even though that seems like the only activity all of my friends do as a group. I want something else.
I want to go paintballing. I want to go go karting. I want to have a BBQ with loads of friends.
It all costs money though.
Money can't buy you happiness but it can certainly help.
I've been talking to a girl named Siobhan a lot recently online. "Here he goes again...", I hear you cry and you're probably right. However, I don't really have an interest in her other than as a friend...er, for now maybe.
I got talking to her via Jamie. She's actually in his class in college but for some reason, I've never met her. As soon as we got talking though online, I knew she was my type of girl. There was just something about the way she talked that made me feel as if it was worth getting to know her more and I really don't have that kind of feeling with many people. Plus, this was before I had seen a picture of her I might add so it wasn't anything to do with the fact that I fancied her. She just sounded nice as a person.
We've been talking for just over a week now and we've discovered similar things out about each other. For example, we both like classical music, we have the same taste in films, we have the same lack of self confidence, quiet, don't really care about the whole pubs/clubs thing etc. She seems to like a lot of the same things I do and has a good sense of humour as well. It's nice.
I've only been talking to her for just over a week and yet she's the third most talked to person I've talked to all this month, only behind Larina and then Ian at the top, who is by far the person I've been most talkative with since I began talking to him.
Speaking of which, I've arranged to go and play pool with him tomorrow possibly in town. I don't know if it'll happen yet though. I know I should do it though, to get myself out of the house.
I've never met him before but I know he's a good guy. I know we'd have fun together.
Back onto the subject of Siobhan:
[18:03:29] Neil: I must take you to Waterstones though. Big cup of hot chocolate. Yum.
[18:03:42] nostalgic./: mmmm yeah yeah. love to.
Did I just arrange a date or was I being friendly? I don't actually know. I don't actually feel any kind of burning need to you know, suddenly latch onto her and want her lots. Instead, I do think she's a nice girl and down to earth and I just want to get to know her better? And yet, surely taking a girl for a quiet drink - albeit hot chocolate in a bookstore - constitutes a date, does it not? I've confused myself. I don't know what I'm looking for and I don't know what I want.
I think I start college again next week. All of this Summer, I've been looking forward to going back but now that it's upon me, I'm almost wishing that I had another two or three weeks left. I'm not even that sure when I'm supposed to be back in. I'm hoping that maybe Bronek will call me along with everyone else and tell me.
I watched Alfie before. I enjoyed that film. I found myself smiling at various parts through it. I know it doesn't have a particularly 'happy' ending as such, but there are many times when I would love to have a life like that. Just for a bit. You know, nice set of clothes, tons of self confidence, make girls swoon, suave, sophisticated and all that other crap. I want to be...smooth? Just to taste it. Just to be that wantable. I guess it'll never happen though. That stuff only happens in movies.
[00:19:11] Neil: Who wants a dull geek :'(
[00:19:28] nostalgic./: you're far from dull. and i like geeks.
It made me smile for a moment, at least.
