I met up with Jamie at lunch and we spent it talking on a stairway. I told him about the girl I was supposed to be meeting. And now I'll tell you.
Her name was Mandy. No, not that Mandy, another one. She is 23 and from the Isle of Man. She comes over here now and then and we'd been talking since the beginning of February about meeting up. She's very kinky and sexual. We had been flirting heavily for the past few weeks online.
She also has a boyfriend.
I told Jamie about how I was going to meet up with her and the plan was that we would go back to her hotel room and mess around. I also told him about the fact that she had a boyfriend and how I was in two minds about doing anything with her because of this.
Jamie's a good guy. He may be a typical guy when it comes to girls and sex, but he still knows where to draw the line. Still knows what's good and bad. I think I've forgotten where that line is and now I'm reaching out to anyone who's put in front of me. How pathetic. I didn't even particularly fancy this girl.
I left Jamie at the end of lunch and went back to class. I had to call her at around 3pm, to see where and when we were to be meeting once she'd gotten off the plane. I called her, but she told me to call back in ten minutes. Instead, I called her at 4pm when I got out of college and she said to call her back again in ten minutes. Even the thought of sexual fun wasn't enough to get me out of how I was feeling at that point and really, all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Still, I walked into town and called her once more. She was extremely difficult to get a hold of. I kept called her and she didn't answer.
Finally, after 45 minutes of both walking around town and trying to call and text her, I sent her one last final text telling her to call me within the next ten minutes or I was going home. She text me saying where she was and I went to meet her.
I met her in a shop and gave her a hug. She wrapped an arm around me and with her other hand, gave my groin a squeeze. That was fun.
After that, we walked around town for a bit talking. She gave off the feeling that she was feeling a bit tired herself, but we began talking a little more after a while and began flirting with each other. She said she wanted to get some wine for later for herself so we made our way to Tescos. On the way in, she said in an absolutely calm and normal voice "Do you know any alleys or a quiet place where I can suck your dick?". First time I've heard heard that particular expression...
"I was thinking your room", I replied, however.
After buying the wine, that's where we made our way to and on the way, we flirted more.
I knew that she had to meet a friend at 6pm and by the time we got back to her hotel it was 5:30pm. As we got into the lift and the doors closed, I wondered whether to turn to her and kiss her but decided against it.
"Get your cock out", she said to me, while we were still in the lift. I was a little taken back more than anything and didn't do so. Instead, she began unzipping my pants, but the door opened on her floor and we walked out. I zipped up again.
"Get your cock then", she said to me again, once we were in her room and I did so and she began playing with it. She asked me to sit down on the edge of the bed and then she pulled them down further and knelt in front of me, sucking on it and licking my balls. It wasn't long before my pants were totally off and she continued.
I had also brought some toys that she'd said she'd like to use on me. She knew I liked anal stimulation and was doing a lot of it. It felt good.
She finished by wanking me off onto my stomach and I rest for a moment, before going to the bathroom to clean up. I came out five minutes later and got dressed. It felt weird. Weird because while she had just made me cum, it felt as if I had experienced nothing pleasurable at all. It didn't feel as if anything exciting had happened. There was no hugging, no kissing, just that. I felt...wrong.
She walked downstairs with me and I gave her a hug goodbye.
"You have a nice cock by the way", she said, as I left her. I smiled, quite uneasingly really, as while it's always nice to hear, it didn't feel as if it meant anything coming from her because I didn't feel nothing for her.
I was with her all of 20 minutes altogether in the room and I left feeling absolutely empty and pretty shit. I walked back to the station, now feeling both sad and angry with myself that I had just gone through with something that I KNEW would leave me feeling like this to begin with. I hate myself. I hate myself for wanting to reach out to anyone that shows the tiniest bit of affection towards me because I miss having it. And the only thing that I thought about all the way home was Claire and how much I still want her and how happy she made me feel.
You'd think that considering it was only a week we were with together that I would easily be over her now and fucking hell, I wish I was. But, still, every time I talk to her, I feel like my heart aches. I just do not know how to stop feeling how I feel about her. Time seems to be the only solution, but while time is passing, I feel shit inside.
Before I met Claire, I wasn't happy, but I was at least content by myself. I had pretty much forgotten that I was sad and lonely on my own and had started to focus on both college and my friends instead. Then she came into my life and showed me exactly what I was missing and exactly what I need to make my life feel exciting and happy, then takes it away from me just a week later. That's a lot to deal with.
It also hurts because she's so much less bothered about it than I am. She's always happy and smiley and laughing online. It makes me feel as if I was just a blip in her life. It makes me feel pretty unimportant.
It's her birthday March 31st. She's going out to celebrate April 2nd and wants me to come out with her. I don't know how I'm going to manage it. She's going to look absolutely gorgeous and all I'm going to be able to do is sit there admiring her, wanting to wrap my arm around her and know that she loves being with me, just as much as I love being with her. It's going to hurt. It already does. I hate it.
Am I being foolish, keeping her in my life if it hurts me so much? Is it worth all of this hurt to try and keep her as a friend? She says that I mean a lot to her, but I don't believe her really. I think she thinks everyone means a lot to her, which means that I'm not particularly special. And that's what I want to be to her.
I'm still thinking that maybe in two months time or so, she'd maybe want to try again, but I think that's only my foolishness talking. I think that if/when I do ask if she wants to go out with me again, I'm only going to hurt myself more when she says no.
Every morning since she broke up with me, I've woke up feeling terrible. The only way to describe it is a feeling that I have a dark cloud in my head that's making it impossible to be happy. And when I say happy, I don't neccessarily mean jumping for joy, but simply being able to wake up and feel like I can get through the day without wanting to break down and cry.
I think I'm more than willing to get over her right now because I just want rid of these feelings. But they're not fucking going. Time. Time time time. It's all about bloody time.
I hate my life right now.
