When she finally went offline around midnight, I decided to write her a very long email about how I truly feel about things. I started by saying this:
First of all, please please don't reply to this or talk to me about it. You don't need to tell me you've read it either. I just want to tell you my thoughts. After I've written this, I'll know that you know how I feel and that will be enough for me to try and be more talkative and stuff with you.
I then went on to tell her how happy she had made me by asking me to go out with her and how amazing I thought our first date was and how I haven't met anyone like her in a long long time.
But then, I moved onto how "It felt like I had been the rebound guy and kind of used" and "it's proving really hard for me to just get over you because you mean a lot to me". I also told her how torturous it felt meeting up with her on Tuesday and how "all I wanted to do was put my arm around you while we were walking and cuddle you".
I tried hard to explain to her how it was hard for me going from her friend, to boyfriend and then back to friend again so quickly.
I wish I could just think of it as a nice time together and then switch into friend mode instead, but that's proving hard for me and now, every time I talk to you online, I feel sad because it's hard to get over you when I'm still talking to you.
And finally:
I promise that I'm trying to be the best friend I can to you and that maybe after I've clicked send for this email that I can be better at doing that. That's if you still do want to be friends. Hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow or whenever and I'll try to be happier around you.
I hovered over the send button for a few seconds, wondering should I send it and what she'd think when reading it. I thought that maybe she'd reply, even if I didn't want her to. And of course, I was wary of the fact that maybe she'd simply stop talking to me.
I clicked send.
Tuesday was so very boring. I tried my best to wake up happy, but it was no use. I tried my best to walk into college happy, but it was no use. Worst, was the fact that we had to talk to camera, saying a line of text about an artist. I really couldn't be arsed doing it and I felt really pissed off with both Bronek for choosing that day to do it and myself for not just forgetting about my shittiness and getting on with it.
I spent lunch in the classroom too, doing nothing really. I checked my mail around 12:30pm to see if Claire had replied. She hadn't. I guess I was kind of worried that she had indeed blocked me.
My lesson with Tony was equally as shit. We had to create namestyles in the style of an art movement. I felt it was pretty pointless really, as none of this work actually counts and only serves as a warm up to the actual project, where we have to research an art movement and then use that art movement as a basis to find a font relating to it, then use that font to come up with a design on a floppy disk box. It's all about using typography as design, rather than to be read.
I was very thankful when 4pm came and I could shut down Illustrator. There was a tutorial planned at 4pm with Bronek, but many people decided to go, which I think is pretty disrespectful really when he's already stated that this is just as important as the rest of the day. And it is.
When Bronek did come in at two minutes past four, all he found from a class of ten people were me, Dylyn, Abigail and Tom. The rest had gone. He didn't actually seem as annoyed as perhaps he should be. Infact, I think I was more annoyed, because I had chosen to stay behind when all I wanted to do was go home.
Basically, all he wanted us to do was to digitise our video footage which we had recorded that morning. He asked if I could do him a favour and edit everyone's footage to take out all of the errors and leave just the lines to camera and at first, I said yes, but then decided why should I?
"This isn't really fair though is it?", I said to Bronek.
"No, Neil, I know", he said, very much in agreement with me, "And it's fine if you don't want to"
"I mean, I just think that if they're not willing to stick around and do it themselves..."
"I totally agree Neil and I'll be having words with them next week"
He never does.
I decided to edit mine and mine alone. The rest can do theirs on Tuesday. I'm not doing their work.
The train home was the highlight of my day. I saw a cute girl standing on the train platform and I kept glancing over at her when she wasn't looking. Then, when I got on the train, she got on at the same doors and ended up sitting opposite me. Again, I kept glancing at her when she wasn't noticing. Her bottle of water dropped on the floor after a few minutes and I picked it up for her. "Sorry, thanks", she said. That was our conversation for the journey, heh. When she was about to get off the train at her stop though and was waiting for the doors to open, she turned to me and gave me this really big smile, directly at me, then stepped off the train.
"Whoa, what the hell just happened? Did she just smile at me? No she couldn't-she did though", were some of the thoughts running through my head at that moment. I watched her walk up the stairs, just to see if she'd look down at where I was sitting. Just as the train started moving again, I caught her look down for a second.
Ok, so it was nothing amazing, but it was certainly really nice to get smiled at by a nice looking girl.
That evening was, as usual, spent online. I noticed however, that Claire wasn't online and by 9pm, I thought that she had blocked me. Admittedly, part of me was actually pretty ok with this as it meant I didn't have to deal with any of the heartache I felt no more and could simply forget about her. But of course, there's still a part of me that wants her back as my girlfriend and to have her cut me out of her life altogether and block me isn't such a nice thought.
At 10pm, she came online.
I guess I felt a sense of relief, more than anything else. I also felt perhaps a little worried and paranoid, because she had no doubt read the email by now and I knew that since I had asked her not to tell me or talk to me about it, that I'd never know for sure. I was glad though that I had sent it, told her my feelings and felt better for it and now here she still was.
We had a much better chat too than on previous days. I felt as if I could talk to her a little better, although sadly, she kept hinting that she was horny, which only served to make me horny too and make me want her. I did my best, trying to tell her to stop talking about it, but in the end, I ended up talking about sex with her in one form or another. Not good. But, I was still happy that I had managed to be happier overall with her. Progress.
I went to bed around 3am and though I woke up a few times between, ended up actually getting up and staying up at 7pm. Yes, PM. That's 16 hours of sleep! That's a lot even for me. It's now coming up to 5am and I have to be up for college in two hours. Somehow. I'm going to try and go back to sleep after I've written this entry, as I'll be too tired to actually do a day of college if I don't boost the amount of sleep I've had. Sadly sleep can't be held in reserve.
There's also something else which I need to talk about, which may happen tomorrow. I'm not really that hopeful it will happen, but who knows. I won't write it in this entry, since it may not happen at all yet. I hope it does. It does, however, involve a girl and it does involve messing around. To be honest though, I don't know if that's happy news or simply reason that I'm reaching out to anyone to fill Claire's place. And that's just sad.
