Just like I have been feeling recently, I felt pretty shit throughout the lesson. It wasn't until Daniel finally came over to have a look at my work that he realised that I wasn't that happy.
"Are you ok?", he asked me, noticing that I was pretty uninterested in what he was saying to me.
"No"
"Why, what's up?"
"Depressed", I replied, "Seriously depressed"
"What's wrong?"
"Just...stuff..."
"There's people who you can talk to you know, downstairs"
"Yeah, I know, but...I just don't think they can help. Talking isn't going to change what's wrong and..."
"Sorry", he said, in an understanding way, "I mean I'm not trying to..."
"Yeah, I know, I appreciate it"
I showed him what I had been doing and he was pleased. I then went back to doing some research on different kinds of timeline interfaces.
Claire text me around 2pm. She said she was in town and was going to do some shopping before coming to meet me after college. When I got her text, my heart hurt once more. It hurt knowing that I was going to be meeting her and I wouldn't be able to hold her like she was my girlfriend and give her a kiss and walk with my arm around her or hold her hand. It hurt.
At 3:50pm, I went to check if she was there, looking out of the window, where I knew she wouldn't be able to see me. She was. She was sitting there looking almost happy waiting for me. I was going to simply admire her for a minute or two longer, but she got up and walked inside college and I decided to go and tell her that I'd be down soon.
She was looking at some of the pieces of art in reception. She turned around just in time to see me walking towards her. I made no attempt to hug her, as I didn't know if I should, but simply wanted to tell her that I'd be ten minutes. I said hi to her and told her. She asked me how I was and I said I was ok and asked how she was. She then reached out her arms and hugged me and my arms instinctively wrapped around her. I didn't want to let her go after that. My eyes closed and for a moment, thought I was about to cry. I held her for quite a while, never wanting to let her go, but I knew that I had to. I said I'd be down soon and went back to class, my heart now aching just a little bit more from not being able to press my lips against hers and tell her how much I miss her being my girlfriend.
I finished up what I was doing, then headed back down to her and we hugged again before walking out of college together and I wanted so very much to put my arm around her. My heart was telling me to, but my brain knew I couldn't. Instead, I had to fight my feelings and walk by her side. It felt like torture.
Stan was outside with his friends. I said hello to him and introduced him to Claire. That felt weird. Stan was the first person who I talked to after Claire had broken up with me and he knew that I was still feeling shit about it. He gave her a hug, and then gave me one too, then asked Claire if she was coming the pub tonight. I cringed for a moment, because in all honesty, I didn't want her to. "Err...I don't know", she said, feeling slightly uncomfortable too, as I think she knew how I would feel about it.
Me and Claire walked in front of Stan and his mates on the way into down and that itself felt uncomfortable. However, Stan stopped and he was getting the bus instead and said he'd see me later in the pub.
I wasn't really in any mood to talk. I didn't know what to say to her. She however, tried her best to make conversation with me and I tried to respond, but my efforts were pitiful.
Half way down the street, I met Dave, who said he was going to the pub. The pub at 4pm! I introduced him to Claire, before we went our seperate ways and I told him I'd see him later.
Me and Claire ended up in Waterstones. It's quiet enough to talk and nice surroundings. She got us both some drinks and we sat down. All I could was look at her and think about how much I wanted to lean over and kiss her, or to simply look into each others eyes and without saying anything, know that the other one thought the world of you. It was so difficult to simply sit there and be with her, when the last time we were sitting there, I had my hand on her cheek, with her hand over mine, smiling at each other. It hurt.
Again, it was her who did all of the talking. I simply nodded and agreed with what she was saying and I felt guilty for doing so. I wanted to talk to her as normal, I really did, but I just didn't know how to right then. All that I wanted to say was how much I wanted her in my life and how much I wanted to kiss her.
She began talking about her ex and how she feels less for him now. She said how she feels comfortable being single. She also said she was sorry for what she had done to me and she was thankful that I didn't hate her for it. And I don't, but I wish I did, because it'd be so much easier.
She talked a lot about her ex. That hurt too. I know she wasn't doing it on purpose, but to hear her talking about him hurt me, because he is the reason that she decided things with me weren't going to work. I didn't want to tell her how uncomfortable I was when she was talking about him though, because I felt like I'd be being unkind in some way.
We stayed in the cafe till 5:30pm, before I walked her back to the bus stop. Her bus was already there so I gave her a long hug and moved back to allow her and the rest of the people to get on, only to have my urges take over me and go back to her to give her one more hug. I held her close and I kissed her head. I didn't think about it, I just done it. I couldn't help it. She grabbed my hand as she moved away from me, squeezing it gently a few times and smiling at me, before getting on the bus.
I walked away, tears welling up behind my eyes. I wanted to cry. I really, really wanted to cry. The only thing that was stopping me was the fact that I was surrounded by people.
I remember the last time I waited with her for the bus. And it was the best day I've had in years. I thought I'd found myself the perfect girlfriend. I left her that night with a huge grin on my face. Now, here I was, walking away with tears ready roll down it.
I took my time walking up to AJ's. Thinking about Claire every step of the way and wondering if she had felt me kiss her head while I was hugging her and what that meant to her. I feel foolish, but I keep looking into everything as a sign that maybe I will get back with her in a few months time. It's naive of me, I know, but I want her. No one understands how much this girl means to me. You think I'd try this hard to keep her in my life if I didn't think she was worth it?
When I got to AJ's, there were only four people there - Jamie, Dave, Mike and Jed. I came in and sat down in front of them, looking like shit. They looked at me, as I looked at the table and then at them.
"Don't look at me like that", I said to Jamie.
"Dude, you look so down"
"Yeah. I am."
"Why man?"
"You know why"
"You were with her for like a week, you shouldn't be so down over her"
"I know, but she's special"
I felt as if I had made a big mistake coming to the pub right about then, as I knew that my mood would not be lightening up much throughout the night. After about 20 minutes, I decided that I'd get a drink. I went to the bar and asked for four Aftershocks in one glass. The bartender looked surprised and shocked.
"You want ice in that?", he asked.
"No"
I took it back over, along with a Bacardi Breezer to where we were all sitting and sat down.
"What is THAT!", Dave asked.
"A triple?", Jamie added.
I held up four fingers.
"A quad?!", Dave said, shocked, and I drank my drink. I just did not want to feel like I did at that moment and all reasoning went out of my head, hence the alcohol.
The rest of the group arrived after a while. I think the likes of Jamie and Stan had already told everyone else about how down I was feeling, as quite a few of them asked me if I was ok throughout the night, to which I replied "no".
It was only about 8:30pm, yet I was most definitely on the way to being drunk. My head was already spinning a little, due to the fact that I had an empty stomach so there was nothing to soak the alcohol up. I was still quite in it, just that things seemed a little easier to deal with at that moment. It dulled the hurt. I began to be a little more talkative.
There was a point at which I was sitting on one of the couch's arms and began talking to Jamie. I got onto the subject of me not really being part of the group because I feel so different.
"You are part of the group!", he said.
"I don't know. I just feel way different than you all"
He looked at the rest of the group. "I don't think I would of made friends with any one there in any other circumstance", he said, "I think we're all quite different"
He called to Stan. "Neil's part of the group isn't he?", he asked.
"'course!"
It didn't make me feel any better, but I guess it's nice to know how they think of me. Although really, I still don't believe I am part of the group. Everyone else is really outgoing and talkative. And then there's me.
It was around this point that I was feeling talkative enough, however, to shout over to everyone individually to see who was up for coming to mine April 14th for a houseparty for my birthday. Jamie has his reservations about it due to what happened New Year's, but everyone else seemed up for it, especially Dave who is trying to convince those who aren't so sure about it. Quite a few people said yes, but I guess time will tell.
I managed to be seated between a few people at one point, with Patrick next to me. I got talking to him, since I was now quite tipsy, asking him where he was from originally, since he's from the US somewhere and what made him come over here etc. We got onto the subject of girls somehow and I was saying to him about how I thought Andrea, one of the girls in our group was quite nice. This was both my drunkeness talking and my sanity, as I did think she was nice.
A moment later, I heard someone calling me. I looked around and it was Andrea. I thought she'd heard what I'd said to Patrick and was worried she was about to have a go at me.
"Here a minute", she asked me.
"Why?"
"Just come here"
A few others heard this and they laughed, making out that she was either going to shout at me lots or hump me lots.
I followed her to the bar though and asked what she wanted.
"I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel this down you know", she said.
"Oh, you know what happened then?"
"She's not worth it, honestly"
"...maybe"
"I'm sure there's loads of girls out there who are better. Come here", she said and gave me a hug. That was really nice of her I thought.
I played some pool with one or two people. Won a match, lost a match. People asked me if I was ok, and again, I'd say no. I know it must be a bit awkward for them to hear that answer, but I didn't have the energy to lie and say yes instead.
I got myself another double of Aftershock after a while and Jamie watched as I drank it, shocked that I could knock it back so easily. You see, for him and Mike, one Aftershock is enough for them to cringe.
At around 10:45pm, everyone got ready to leave as they were going to Lebateau's. I did want to come with them to both give the place another chance and to simply extend my night with them further. However, if I go there, it means that I have to pay �10 to get home, which is money that I can't really afford.
We all walked down into town together and on the way down, Andrea talked to me and put her arm around my waist as she said something or another so I put my arm around her. I was confused more than anything. I think she did it because she thought I was more drunk that I was and when I said that I was going to get the train home, she kept insisting that I couldn't and I should come to the club with them instead. Danielle also appeared from somewhere and somehow I had my arm around her too. That felt quite weird, having my arms around two girls as we were walking.
Danielle definitely thought I was more pissed than I was and after a while, it got a bit annoying that neither she nor Andrea believed me and I walked on my own after that just to prove that yes, I could still walk in a straight line, even if my words weren't coming out as straight.
I walked with them to the club and everyone went inside. As they did, I said goodbye, though everyone was already walking inside so they didn't hear me and walked away. About 30 seconds later, I stopped, looked back, turned around and walked back, deciding that I would give the club a second chance.
Stan and Mandy were still outside and I walked in with them, before the three of us walked down some stairs and into the main part of the club. Andrea was surprised to see me sitting there.
"Neil!", she said, her eyes lighting up, "I thought you'd gone home?"
"I did too", I replied and she gave me a hug, kissing my head.
I walked to the dancefloor with a few of them, where the music was unbearably loud. It was almost painful. They all started dancing and tried to get me to as well, but I just felt stupid standing there and soon got off the floor and went to sit back down with a few of them.
Claire (That's Claire from college) appeared at some point and gave me a hug. She asked if I was ok, to which I said no and then I explained why and blah blah. At one point, she took my hand and told me to follow her and her friend. I didn't know where we were going and was very surprised to be being led into the girl's toilets. That was weird. She closed the cubicle door, while I and her friend waited outside it. I was too depressed and drunk to care where I was at that moment, until some guy emerged who must of been a bouncer of some sort.
"What are you doing in the girl's toilets?"
"She told me to come in"
He didn't look too happy so I walked out.
"Oh fuck off", he said, and pushed me. I didn't look back, just kept walking and instead, went to the guy's toilets for a second time, but it seems that I must of been too drunk because I couldn't even go. Jamie came in a few seconds later.
"Dude, did I just see you come out of the girl's toilets?"
"Ehh"
"I see you come out, then like, two bouncers and Claire"
"She pulled me in there"
I talked to him outside the toilets for a few minutes about stuff. Nothing in particular. Claire appeared.
"It's ok Neil, you're not getting thrown out", she said.
"Ok"
"I told him I pulled you in there so it's alright"
"Ok"
And then she went away again, leaving me and Jamie talking for another few minutes, before we moved to some other place and talked a bit more. Jamie was now feeling a little depressed too because he thought that Danielle was getting a bit too close with Patrick. Danielle and Laura found us and they both said about how they'd been looking for us. Danielle asked Jamie what was up and he said nothing, but like me, he wasn't making no effort to hide it. They took him back downstairs and I just stayed there for a few minutes on my own, wondering just why the fuck I was in there to begin with and how I was right about always saying no when they asked if I was coming to Lebateau's.
I was right by where I had handed in my coat to keep it safe and decided to get it back, as I was now ready to go. I went back downstairs and over to the dancefloor, to say goodbye to people, but all I could find was the likes of Glenn and Mandy, so I went to go wait at the place we were all sitting. On my way back, I seen Claire and her friend. I told them I was going and they both gave me a hug.
Sarah was sitting down and I sat by her. We talked for a bit. She tried to cheer me up by saying all of the usual things about relationships but it's not like it was working. What did mean something to me though, was the fact that she said: "I think you're really genuine and caring" and I took that as a genuine compliment.
It wasn't long after that I decided to leave, as I got bored of waiting for people to come back to say goodbye to them so I asked Sarah if she'd help me get out of the place, since I didn't know how to and both she and Danielle walked me out. I gave Danielle a hug, then Sarah, but I could tell that the one with Sarah was more heartfelt. It was nice.
I had to wait quite a while for my taxi home and I was glad once I was in. I went to bed shortly afterwards, concluding that I would never go to that club again, because of my first impression of it being shit was the correct one.
Saturday was spent sleeping and today has been too. I talked to Claire earlier, however, online. She was feeling upset. I wanted to console her and tell her how much I care for her and stuff like that, but I couldn't and I didn't know what to say. She said she was crying and I felt shit that I couldn't be there for her. I told her that I'd give her a hug if I could and she said she'd like one off me. As I said earlier in this entry, I read into everything and I keep thinking that she is slowly coming back round to the idea of being with me. It's just small things like saying that she'd like a hug off me (though I did mention it first I guess). Also, after meeting me on Tuesday, she greets me online with more of a welcome than a simple "hi". Again though, I know that I'm probably being naive and I need to keep telling myself that.
