And that special someone was online when I finally did arise from my bed. We talked. It was the same kind of stuff both of us had been saying last night, though. It's frustrating too having to wait while she types her replies out to what I have to say, but it's not like anything I do say can change her mind about slowing things down to friends.
She got out of her last relationship a month ago and I can really understand her need to be on her own right now and just have some time to herself for a bit. But if that is the case, why did she show so much interest in me? Meet up with me? And of course, spend two amazing days at mine?
She says she's "Planning on spending 2-3 years" on her own. When she said that it made me feel just that bit more depressed. I know she is probably exaggerating though. I keep hoping that maybe if I give her a month or two, even three that maybe she'll feel better and more sure about getting into a relationship with me.
However, there are two things which scare me about being her friend in the meantime.
The first is while she is single and supposedly not wanting to be with anyone, someone will come along and she'll be like she was with me when I first met her and she'll go out with them. Except, because she'll of had more time alone than when she got with me, she'll stay with them and that's me out of the picture. And if that does happen, it's going to hurt me so much.
And the second is even worse in my eyes. She might start to see me as a really great friend and because of that, start to think of me as a friend and nothing else. She may decide that her friendship with me will be too important to risk getting into a relationship with me. That too will hurt, when it's a relationship I want with her.
Of course I want to be her friend, but I want what we've had over the past week. She made me feel wanted, even desired. The way she'd stroke my hand or cuddle up to me no matter where we were. The way she'd run her hands through my hair while we were passionate. She made me feel so happy.
I know that I have only been going out with her for a week, but sometimes you just click with people and I clicked so well with her. We are perfect together. Everything was going so well. I felt like I was finally truly happy because here was what I wanted. My perfect girlfriend.
And now it's gone.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act on Sunday when I meet her. I don't think she truly realises either how it's affecting me, though she says that she does because she went through it a month ago. It just feels like she's taking this a lot better than I am. She wants to give me a hug and tell me she's sorry, but when her arms go around me, I'm going to want to wrap mine around her and hold her for as long as possible and kiss her. I don't know how to be just her friend.
[13:32:15] Dumped.: I want to keep you in my life. Please don't just disregard the possiblity of us being together again, at some point ok?..I want to be with you and make you feel good.
[13:33:19] CARPE DIEM BABY!!!!: You DO make me feel good, we'll go out, I still owe you a night out xxxxx
[13:34:04] Dumped.: I don't know if that is such a good idea. I will want to hold you.
How can I possibly go for a night out with her and not be with her? I don't know how to do that after I've been so close with her and was practically on the verge of falling in love with her.
[13:36:32] Dumped.: You want time to stop being my girlfriend. I need time to start being your friend.
And I do. I can't simply switch off my feelings for her and meet up with her for a night out. How? How can anyone do that? It's not possible.
[13:37:46] CARPE DIEM BABY!!!!: xxxx time babe xxxx well talking on msn will make it easier for both of us x chat soon hun x take care xxx
And she keeps calling me babe and it makes me even more confused. I asked her not to call me it because I'm not her babe no more and she said "And you ARE a babe". When she says it, I take it affectionately when now, I'm not allowed to. I wish she'd stop calling me it, it makes things harder.
I don't know if talking on MSN will make things easier, but I can't exactly simply say my goodbyes to her and never talk to her again when she is too important to me to do that. How do I make her go from girlfriend to friend while I'll still be talking to her almost daily on here? Please give me some advice here. I don't know what to do.
I want her so much. So much so that perhaps I'm fooling myself by thinking that in two or three months, it will work, rather than it might. I don't want one of those two dreaded things to happen though, which I've just described.
And what do I do in the meantime, as a single guy now? Do I wait for her to come round to the idea once more? Or do I carry on like she was never in my life to begin with as a girlfriend and begin flirting with other girls again? And if that flirting has a chance of going further, do I pursue it? And if I do pursue it, does that mean that I have to keep it secret from Claire because she'll think that I didn't care enough about her to wait for her?
Everything sucks once more.
