I thought I got Claire back today after spending a very long time talking to her but I was fooling myself. I thought I had managed to convince her that if we took things a lot more slowly that we could still be together. I said that maybe if we stopped doing the sexual stuff and didn't come back to each other's and just stayed in town, but held hands and kissed that that might be ok and she said it would be. But, I guess I got it wrong.

She thought I meant kissing as in a peck on the cheek. She said she didn't want to be anyone's right now, in any sense.

I really thought that I had gotten through to her and tomorrow would be a nice day, like any other day with her. I was happy to go slow, but she doesn't want slow, she wants friends. And so I'm feeling pretty alone again once more.

I don't know how I'm supposed to act tomorrow. I want to hug her. Put my arms around her and never let her go. It's going to hurt if I hug her though. Anything I do with her is going to hurt. I want to remain her friend though. I have to get through this hurt somehow. I don't know how. Tomorrow is going to be horrible.

She kept getting annoyed at me, saying I was making her feeling guilty. I don't do it on purpose, but I can hardly make her feel great about what she has done. I just want her back. Maybe I'm being overly pessimistic, but I don't think I'm ever going to have her back. By the time she is ready to get into a relationship again, she will have her eyes on someone else and I'll just be her friend.

I woke up and started crying soon after this morning. The first thing I thought of was her and how lonely I now feel after experiencing such happiness over the past week. Now, if a girl happens to pop up on MSN that I might of had an interest in sexually, it means nothing to me. All of the girls who I might of wanted to meet up with and mess around have become boring. Uninteresting. Unappealing. Compared to what I was feeling for Claire, it feels stupid to want to do anything with anyone else because what I had with Claire was a lot more special.

I know that I'll get over her, even though right now, I'd give anything to have her back as my girlfriend, but even when I do, she's still going to be my friend, which means that I'll always be thinking in the back of my mind that maybe there's a chance that I'll be with her again. Until of course, some other guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet. I know it'll happen. She got angry at me for saying that, but that's what will happen.

[19:10:03] Neil: I just hope that perhaps in a while, when you feel better about it all, that you might want to try things again and someone else doesn't get to you before me. That's what always happens.
[19:11:12] CARPE DIEM BABY!!!! MY DAY!, MY TIME!!!: :S:S:S:S::S:S:S:S:S I gtg I have a headache with all this gona go before I say sonething I regret

I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of around April, she is with someone else. And at that time, I'm going to feel like shit again.

My heart physically aches right now. I feel completely lost.