Laura is complaining to my mum about her not allowing Chris to come round. My mum won't let him because of how he acted on New Year's day towards both me and her. However, if my mum doesn't allow him to start coming here again, it means that Laura is unhappy and she has to travel to Chris's which is a fair way away and I can appreciate that. Laura is of the notion that she is being penalised for something that isn't her fault.
Hey guess what, ME TOO.
Personally, I think it's a bit hypocritical of her to feel that way, yet blame me personally for the events regarding her room. She seems unable to realise that it wasn't my fault. I am not to blame here, it is one of the people who were at the party. I don't understand why both her and Chris can't see that?
She can't even talk to me directly, choosing instead to relay her thoughts to my mum and then she passes them on to me. What kind of communication is that? I would happily sit down and talk to Laura herself, but she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. She is of the opinion that she is right and not wrong at all, as is Chris. How can I possibly 'negotiate' with people who are unable to see my side of things? I don't know what more I can do to appease her. I've said I'm sorry.
She is also angry indirectly at me because my mum won't let Chris back because of how he acted towards me. However, tonight, after Laura complained to my mum about it, she said she would be willing to let him back here, if she had his word that he wouldn't start anything with me again.
"I know he was just protecting you", she said, talking to Laura, "well I'm just protecting Neil. He can come round if he wants, but he has to give me his word he won't act like that again."
When I heard that, I assumed that meant that he would be coming round tonight and I started having a panic attack, sitting in the living. I was scared in my own home because of him and he wasn't even there yet. How is that fair? He has made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and if/when he does come back here, that's how I'm going to feel. I'm going to feel as if I won't be able to leave my room if he's here.
Perhaps it sounds exaggerated to you, but I guarantee you it's not. Put it down to whatever you want, my personality, my depression, whatever, but if/when he returns, I will be scared because of his attitude towards me.
My mum wants Laura and me and possibly Chris, along with herself to all sit down and talk about it, which is a good idea on paper, however, as I said, Laura and Chris won't listen to what I have to say. They'll hear me speaking, but they won't take anything I'm saying onboard and it will end in Laura being annoyed at me, Chris being annoyed he can't come here and my mum torn between satisfying Laura's happiness and mine. Give me some advice please.
Every attempt I've made so far at somehow bridging the gap between Laura and myself has resulted in a one worded answer from her. Granted, I haven't made any attempt to make a lengthy conversation with her, but just a question, here and there to make her talk to me. It's not going so well. While me and Laura have never had a close relationship, that isn't to say that I wouldn't like one and I try to make active attempts at building it up, but she is so against anything I try, choosing instead to effectively blank me and/or have a go at me for something when things aren't going away. Nothing serious, just occasional remarks to me about this and that which while on their own wouldn't matter, but they build up. I never answer her back, simply because it's so much easier to just take it laying down. Answering back would make her more riled and thus, make living here even more uncomfortable.
As I've said in previous entries, I really really appreciate my mum's support in this. I am glad that she's trying to protect me and it will not be forgotten in the future. Still, however, Laura is her child as well, and she has to tend to her needs as well and Laura wants Chris here. I know he will eventually come back. I knew he would. But when he does, I feel that all four of us must sit down and discuss things before he is allowed to freely come and go as before, which my mum said will happen. Laura doesn't want this to happen, because she's afraid that my mum and Chris will argue again and to be honest, she's probably right, but that's only because Chris is too stubborn to allow the possibility that he may of been completely out of order. And if arguing takes place, then my mum will be angry at Chris and Chris will be angry at my mum, which will result in him storming off once more, which will result in Laura being upset once more and then angry at me again. No matter what, I seem to get the raw deal out of all of this.
Laura seems incapable of seeing things from my point of view about the events of the party. She thinks that I didn't show enough responsibility. She thinks that I haven't admitted enough responsibility for the events either. I don't admit to something I haven't done. Let's review what she is actually accusing me of, just so there is an unbiased approach to all of this and you can make up your own mind then.
There were nine people in total, including me, at the party. I have met them all before. While I don't claim to know all eight closely, trust and hospitality was something I was still willing to afford them because they were friends of my friends. A friend of my friend is my friend as well. Plus, how do you define a friend? Someone you see every day? A week? Month? I see none of my friends every day, nor every other day, but they're still great friends. And the people who I didn't meet via college I met via going the pub with my friends, thus, them becoming my friends as well.
Now, onto the issue of people being in her room.
She says that no one should of been in her room. However, she did not say to me that one of my friends couldn't use her bed and it was certainly needed. As you can see from this picture, the living room was full, when it came to places to sleep. I first realised people were in Laura's room when I saw Stan laying on Laura's bed half passed out. Now, because Stan is a mate, and a mate who I trust, I had no problem allowing him to lay there and get some sleep, because as the picture shows, it's not like there was any room elsewhere. If there a bed free, then why not use it, yes? You have to remember that at the time, I of course had no idea that because of people in Laura's room, a bed would break and drawers would be gone through so you have to put that aside and concentrate on the fact that as a party host and as a hospitable friend, I was allowing whoever to use wherever to sleep. What I was not doing was watching them bounce up and down on the bed or go through Laura's things and happily standing by as they did so. In addition, if I, for some reason, happened to be out of the house that night and it was Laura having a party with all of her mates and they needed a bed, I wouldn't care at all if they slept in my bed, nor do I care much if her mates are in my room, since they have been before. It is this trust that I bestowed to my own set of friends as well. Couple this with the fact that it was 3,4,5am and I was very, very tired and needed to sleep and I simply couldn't stay awake and watch everyone, nor did I feel the need to do so because I was confident nothing would happen.
So, to readdress Laura's comment of no one should of been in her room, all I seen anyone doing in there was simply laying on the bed, namely Stan, trying to get some rest somewhere quiet and away from the party downstairs. I did see others in her room and I myself was in there as well. I remember laying next to Stan, joking about how we were lovers and whatnot. What I did not see was anything seriously wrong. If I had done so, I would of told them immediatly to get out of her room, closed the door and got everyone downstairs instead.
Her other comment is that she thinks I didn't care about her bed being broken when she asked me about it as I was cleaning the kitchen before my mum got home. One of the main reasons I didn't come rushing to her bedroom was because Chris was up there with her. Another reason was the fact that I was cleaning the kitchen and no amount of looking at a broken bed would fix it. What I did say, however, in reply to her after her telling me it was broke was "if it's broken, it's broken. I'll call my mates about it", in a calm voice. Now while this isn't the action she may of wanted from me, preferring instead for me to come running into her bedroom and be shocked at a bent piece of metal, it is affirmative action. What I was shocked about however (though she would disagree) was her telling me someone has been through her stuff.
So, judge for yourself. Am I in the wrong? Am I blame? Seriously, if you think I am, tell me so. I've tried to be as unbiased as possible and tried to see things from her side and Chris's side, along with my mum's but being me, there will of course always be some bias towards myself as I'm the one writing this. Having said that any bias is unintentional and this is as honest as I can make it. I want you to tell me where I have gone wrong, if at all and also, how I can rectify those things.
And finally, since you are reading this, you will know that my locked diary is of course not locked, because I've decided that from now on, I don't care who reads it. I was planning to keep it either locked or move it completely, but I decided against it, as this diary means too much to me. It's more than just a web address.
There is nothing ever said in this diary that isn't the truth, my opinions, thoughts and feelings. I have never said anything bad about anyone in here unless it is deserved and almost always backed up with some reasoning. If people who know me in the 'real world' want to read everything there is to know about me, even when they know I would prefer them not to, then it's on their conscience and perhaps they should think about it when something similar may happen to them. That is not to say that I suddenly have the urge to give this diary address to all of my friends, because if they don't know about it, I'd like to keep it that way. I do believe in Karma, and hope everyone who deserves good tidings or bad, gets them.
