There has been so much disappointment in my life lately. And sadness. Just lots of these two emotions. Yes, it's regarding people like Mairead, but it's other things too.
I guess I'll write about my days instead.
Yesterday I reluctantly went to the medical. I didn't get much sleep. I had to pay out a fair bit of money on travel expenses, but I was under the impression that I could relclaim them if I kept the reciepts. And of course, I ended up forgetting to ask for one.
My appointment was for 9:30am but I arrived at 9:45pm and I was told that I may have to wait a little while. I'm a patient person and I don't mind waiting, but, what I do mind is waiting NINETY MINUTES to be seen without so much as an indication in that time as to when I would be seen. While sitting there, I became very anxious. I don't like places like that. I noticed that I was one of the only people in the waiting room who hadn't actually brought someone with them. I wish I had had someone to come with me.
Finally, at 11am, I was finally seen by a very friendly Irish doctor who couldn't help enough. He explained what my visit was about and how they record the information etc. Stuff I already knew, but I let him finish what he was saying. He then began with the various questions and I answered them the best I could. Within twenty minutes or so, he was done and I was free to go. I asked at reception if I could claim my expenses and they asked how I'd come. "Train and a cab", I said and she looked at me confused. I explained to her that I got a cab to the station and then the train and she still looked wary. She asked if I had a receipt for the cabs and of course I hadn't. She said she couldn't give me any expenses for them. Damnit, I wait 90 minutes without ever complaining about it and they won't even do me the liberty of paying me the expenses I was entitled to, since it was them who made me come in the first place!
Went home.
I talked to Mairead a little later on. I still like her so much. So much more than most of the girls I've mentioned in this diary. I want to meet her so much.
But of course, life is cruel to me when it comes to girls and there's always an ironic twist. And this is no exception.
She has a friend called Jonny who has been her friend for ages. I even talked to him last week online, while Mairead went to get a shower and he seems like a nice guy. And then he tells me that he's got feelings for Mairead. No big deal to me though, since he also said he had a girlfriend so it's not like he could go out with Mairead. Still offers me the chance to meet her right?
Over the past few days, I've heard Mairead tell me that Jonny has let his feelings for her be known and now Mairead is confused, since she is not sure if she wants to ruin the friendship with him. Jonny likes her so much that he's broken up with his girlfriend and wants to go out with her. And where does this leave me? Fucking nowhere. Again. As fucking usual.
Worse, is the fact that I am unable to feel anything but hope for her and him, because I wish the best for anyone. Whether that means that I get to be in their life or not.
I know she'll end up going out with him. It's inevitable now that they're both single. But that still leaves ME single. Again. And it's fucking not fair! How about ONE FUCKING CHANCE with someone like her? Someone who I actually truly want. No. Life won't allow such happiness to come my way.
I said to her that I guess she didn't want to meet me any time soon. Sadly, she said no, she doesn't. I knew it. I fucking knew that this would happen. It always goes horribly wrong. This is why I never get my hopes up about anything because they're always torn down.
It does hurt you know? This constant string of disappointment when it comes to the one thing I want in this life. Love. Hurts every time.
