Seems as if the problem with my foot is well and truly manifesting itself once more and I can now no longer put my right heel down without it hurting like hell.
I was really hoping that it'd just pass really quickly. But it doesn't look like it's going to. The last time it stuck around, I had it for about 10 days. I can't afford to be off college for 10 days. Not at this stage of the course, when everything is getting a lot more serious now. I don't even have my first project finished, which should of been done at the end of December. And now my CD project is trailing behind too, because I haven't got the photos processed.
I'm really not sure if i'm going to be able to get to college on Monday and it's really worrying me. If I can't go to college, it means that i'm gonna fall behind even more and this really can't happen. I don't want to fail another course. This is just shit.
Even when i'm snot walking, I can feel the throbbing pain. I don't claim to be in absolute agony, but I certainly can't bear to put my heel down.
To add to my setbacks, I foolishly decided to go ahead with asking Cat if she wants to meet up on Tuesday. She's said yes. This is a good thing of course, but if my foot isn't better in just two days, then it means i'm going to have to cancel meeting someone who might actually want me as more than a friend. Irony. The thing I want most and I'll probably have to cancel.
I feel pathetic. I feel as if by meeting Cat that it's very shallow, since I admit, it's only a physical attraction, nothing more. I hate feeling like this. Cat wants the same, though. It's not just me who is acting shallow. And I know that if I wanted to, I could say no to meeting her altogether, but I know that the intimacy that she may give me, may make me feel so much happier, even if it's only in the short term. No, wait. 'Happier' is the wrong word. I won't feel happier. I'm fooling myself if I think it'll give me happiness.
Less frustration, perhaps? A way to relieve some tension inside me? I don't know. I just know that by doing it, I will feel better one way or the other.
...I was supposed to meet her two weeks ago. But I cancelled. Why?...because I thought maybe things would turn out amazingly well with Hana. I thought that if I were to meet Cat then it would be wrong, when I was meeting Hana two weeks later. I guess I didn't want Hana to think that I didn't love her. Didn't want her. I'm foolish, I know, for thinking that there was going to be a happily ever after somewhere along the lines and I really am sorry Hana for wanting you as more than a friend. I just thought you wanted me too so I got really excited about the prospect of being with you. I'm sorry that I expected too much, it was wrong of me.
I'm trying really hard to get myself out of this wave of depression I've managed to put myself in over the last four days. It's going to take a while, though, for me to get back to where I was at the beginning of the week. I don't know how to feel the same as I did and I want to so much. I don't want things to change. I'm worried. So worried about so many things.
