My need to be loved and my need to want to love is dying. It's just simply fading. Part of me is resigned to the fact that i'm single and there's not much I can do to change it. The part of me that disputes this is no longer as big as it used to be. I think I really have begun to give up and come to terms with the amount of loneliness in my life instead.
Something has happened. It's as if my desires and wants regarding anything physichal and sexual at least, have all but gone. A month ago, and yes, a long time before then too, intimacy was what I wanted and needed. You know, just someone to show me some affection, even if it was just physical. But now, if I present myself with a 'what if?' situation, where there may be someone willing to give me this, the thing that I need, it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as it did.
And why do I think this? Because right now, there isn't a girl who I know or have known who comes anywhere near to how much Hana means to me. God. I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this and I don't know why, but I need to.
I've said to her in the past that there isn't anyone who will match how much she means to me. And it's true.
Words really can't express how much I love that girl. And it almost feels like i'm not allowed to love her, because I've not even met her yet. If someone told me that they were in love with someone who they hadn't met yet, I'd think they were being very presumptuous and not willing to see past the end of their nose but now i'm in that position and no matter which way I look at it, I still feel exactly the same and as I talk to her more and more my feelings only grow.
I'm scared really. No, really. I'm scared. I'm scared because I've never felt like this for someone. It doesn't feel the same as when I loved Claire. It's so much more fluid. Easier. Like nothing's changed, but yet it has.
I keep running it around in my head about how I feel. It makes me worry so much.
This entry seems very disjointed to me. But it's because I know i'm holding back from what I want to write entirely. And I know you'll probably read this, Hana, and feel just as confused as I am writing it. I'm sorry.
This is how my head is right now. Disjointed. And worried. I feel worried because I always think that, as I said to her, "Sometimes I just think that you'll find someone else who is like, somehow better than me and you won't want to know me as much".
But I don't think even that makes much sense does it?
