Not here.
There is no Christmas tree. No lights. No decorations. There is no Christmas spirit. There is no presents. There are no strings with cards on. There is no excitement of the day to come. There is nothing. Christmas is dead more than ever this year.
I thought maybe it would be different this year. That perhaps I might have a nice Christmas. But no. I fooled myself into thinking that.
I've slept the day away today. Went to bed at 8:30am and got up at 8:30pm reluctantly. There is nothing for me to be alive for. At least in sleep I have some mental peace. But my body fights against me, and forces me to awaken after so much sleep.
My mum is at Paul's. Laura has only just come in from a party. And me? I wake up, get a shower, and then return to sitting here, as usual. Nothing changes.
And tomorrow the cycle will repeat once more. It may be a special day to most, but for me it will just be one more day in the year, if not a more depressing one. When I see people loving each other around me exaggerated because it's Christmas. It fills me with happiness that there is still some truth in what Christmas means, and yet so much more sadness that I have none of it.
What I wouldn't give for someone to tell me that I matter to them and that they love me. That I am special to them. A hug. A kiss. Something.
I'll be awake all night tonight once more. Perhaps I'll see Santa riding his sleigh through the sky. He won't be stopping here, though. And then in the morning, when I finally go to bed, everyone else will be opening their presents and having a wonderful day with each other. I will be sleeping the day away. I don't want to be part of something that will only make me feel worse.
Happy Christmas.
