I can't find a return train.
Getting there is no problem, as I'd already found a train when I was speaking to Katie, but then I realised that I'd obviously need a return journey and although I said last night that I'd found one, after looking again this morning, finding a return train on Sunday is incredibly difficult.
I wanted to see her.
The only real option I have is something like a four hour journey, which 4 changes, including one which I have to get a bus for too. I don't really want to do that. I'd get lost.
I feel like I've let her down. I feel like I've let me down. She's probably the only chance I had this 'Christmas season' to actually have some fun. It sucks.
Admittedly, I was wary of going in general, but I'd gotten over that and was looking forward to seeing her, but if I can't find my journeys prior to actually going, then I can't go. She asked if I could go home on Monday instead, but I can't, as much as I'd like to. I have college, and although i'm always willing to skip a day of college to inject a little happiness into this life of mine, on this occasion, I can't, since I need to be there so I can finish this stupid packaging box.
I said that perhaps we could do it after Christmas, since she'll still be in Birmingham. Also, I could go on a Friday and come home on the Saturday, since trains are much better of a weekday and indeed Saturday. It's just Sunday trains which SUCK.
In light of this fuck up, I'm now reconsidering the invite to the 'party' my mum asked me to come to with her and Laura. I doubt I'll actually enjoy myself, but perhaps I'd enjoy myself less if I was sitting here.
I hate the fact that every glimmer of hope in this life of mine fades away into nothing. Every spark of happiness that looks like it could actually work out turns into disappointment.
Why the fuck won't anything work out for me? Am I that cursed? I am such a patient person, but after so many disappointments, whether it be girls or general hope, it fucking gets me so down. Nothing turns out for me. I get these brief looks into happiness and then it's snatched away from me, as if someone enjoys playing a cruel joke on my life.
And Christmas. What is Christmas when the house doesn't even have a tree no more, since my mum decided to give it away earlier this year. No tree, no decorations, no lights, and certainly no festive spirit. Christmas is dead in this house. I want to go somewhere else and join in the warmth of someone else's Christmas. I want one of those clich� Christmasses you see in an American movie, where everyone is sitting around a big table eating nice food and everyone is having fun and likes each other. I want that. Ok, so perhaps not as exaggerated as that, but still, a little Christmas good will and whatever wouldn't go amiss.
So here's to those who will have a merry Christmas this year, in whatever form Christmas takes for you. I hope that you and your friends and your family have a great time over the next few weeks. I only wish I could be a part of it.
