Yes, I didn't go again. Yes, I haven't been all this week.
Last night I took three of the sleeping pills I have. You're only supposed to take two. They didn't do a fucking thing anyway and so even though I did manage to get to sleep at about 2am, I woke up again at 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep at all.
7am came and I actually got up and got ready to go to college since I was really determined to go. It didn't last for long, though. By the time 7:45 came I was having doubts. By 8:20am, I'd sealed my fate and decided that I wasn't going because I knew that in two or three hours, I'd feel terrible.
I did, however, do some of my multimedia homework yesterday and I only have about 30 cards and about...110 symbols...to resize. At least it's better than double that amount. I'm going to do the last of them after I've submitted this entry.
I am going to try so very hard to get into college tomorrow, even though it will only be for one day this week.
It's beginning to happen again, isn't it? The fall of Max Payne Neil Martin. All ripped apart in a Liverpool minute.
Don't mind me.
Rejection is the main feeling of the day, but then, it's always a feeling at some part of any day for me. I get tired of writing this. I'm sure you get tired of hearing me go on about it, but at least my diary is willing to hear my thoughts, even when I don't want to myself.
Yeah. Rejection. And yes, i'm talking about girl rejection. I'm talking about the way even though I try so very hard to be the best person I can be, in regards to trying to prove to people that I would be good for them, I fail. Of course, I've never actually been around girl friends. I speak purely of friendships I've formed online with people.
I think some of you may think that's strange, that I've never had a friend who's been a girl. True though. And I've certainly never had a girl friend who I've wanted to be my girlfriend.
People don't understand my need for love. They think I should concentrate on other things more to make me happy. The fact is, the thing that makes me most happy is being in love.
And them loving me back.
...which doesn't seem to happen much, as you well know.
It seems strange, I know, that my mood could be lifted from feeling the most depressed I've felt in at least 5 months, to feeling the happiest ever, if someone were to come into my life and a loving relationship was formed. I really do forget about my sadness and concentrate on the happy stuff of the relationship and doing my utmost to make them happy.
That's what i'm good at. Making people happy. I like doing it. I like seeing people smile because of something I've said or done, and whatever I do do, it's always heartfelt. But, it does drain me, when it doesn't feel like people want me as much as I want them. It doesn't bother me for huge amounts of time, but cracks begin to appear after a while and I begin to dislike myself for that too, because I think that i'm not being reasonable and that it shouldn't matter whether they like me or not, as long as i'm making them happy.
But it does matter. But it does hurt.
So yeah, there is no denying my need for someone to love. For anyone who's read my archives, you'll know how happy I was with Claire all those months ago. Hell, I was beginning to think maybe I could be really happy with Alice too. But, it was not to be. It's never meant to be it seems.
People say "Oh, you'll find someone one day". One day. One day isn't good enough. One day isn't even comforting, though people think to say it is. And then they get offended and say "I was only trying to help", when by saying that they usually make things worse. It's a self fulfilling prophecy to say 'one day', because no matter if it happens tomorrow or in 60 years time, they'd still be right. But do you really think I can patiently wait for someone to come along, when i'm so damn lonely and when I know that if I did have someone, I'd be so much happier than I am now? No.
No.
I'm a nice guy. Not many people want this nice guy. So what am I missing exactly? Why would you not go out with me?
The irony is that many people who read this diary say they would, only they live a few thousand miles away. Irony strikes again.
It's hard seeing everyone around me pair up when i'm left standing on my own.
It may not be his fault, but when Jamie goes on and on about what he does with his girlfriend, I just want to smack him sometimes because it makes me feel so jealous. Jealous of their happiness, which I seek for myself and someone else. I want to make someone happy.
I want someone to make ME happy. Now that would be a true gift. I want to be able to wrap my arms around someone and tell them how much they mean to me and how happy they make me. I'd give anything for it. I really would. For me, without love I am nothing.
