Once again, I find myself unable to sleep, even though i'm quite ready to close my eyes and drift off. This is not good.
I took some sleeping pills about 20 minutes ago, but I only have the herbal ones, which don't do a thing anyway. I've had a drink, I've had something to eat, and now I just have to wait to go asleep again.
The odds of me not going to college for the second time this week are pretty damn good, sadly.
Over the past three or four weeks, I've been off college way too much. I know this will affect my attendance percentage a lot and I know that when new year comes, it might even come to me being threatened with getting kicked off the course. I don't want this to happen.
I love going to college, I enjoy it. I enjoy having friends and a good course. What I hate is that this horrible relapse into severe depression not only fucks up my mood, but my sleeping patterns too and there's not a thing I can do that will help it get back to normal except time.
I hate using my depression as the excuse all the time. But it's not an excuse. It's an illness. I feel like I get blamed a lot for hiding behind my depression and i'm not. I am willing to do things now that I wouldn't of done two years ago. I try to use depression as my reason for not doing this or that as little as possible, because I feel like people try to make me feel guilty about doing so.
It doesn't help when Ed Morton, my graphics teacher and overall person in charge of my course isn't the most savvy person.
On the first day of college, when he interviewed me and I told him about my quitting of the other courses I've been on, I noted depression as being one of the factors. I said that I had had depression for many years and it was really bad.
"Oh, it's not that season thing is it?", he said, referring to SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't know why, but that just confused and annoyed me.
I don't think many people understand and give leeway for people who have depression. I think you have to of been there yourself before you truly understand. I'm not saying I want special treatment, of course and that every single off day I have is related to me being clinically depressed, but sadly, as much as I hate it being true, a lot of the time it is.
If i'm to find an optimistic side about no going to college today, it's that it's a Tuesday, which means I'd have Tony, which means the lesson would be pointless and boring, when I know I could do something much more productive with those three hours at home.
So that's what I'll do tomorrow. Instead of sitting there going out of my mind at college, I'll use the time to do something productive at home. For example, I need to resize 52 playing cards into their correct dimensions, as currently they're all A4 size. That'll take some time. Time, however, that is much less than if I were to wait till Thursday to do it, which is the lesson it's for. Now surely you would agree that's much better than sitting in a lesson learning nothing?
Of course, the real dilemma is my graphics lesson, which is of a Monday, for i'm rather stuck with that. I don't know how to create my packaging, as it's not just a simple box, but rather a cylindrical tube with the top sliced off at a 45 degree angle. What I don't know how to do is get the disc bit that fits on top the right size.
I doubt that even makes any sense to anyone. Maybe I'll create an illustration showing you what I mean.
Speaking of illustrations, guess what I've decided to do? Make my own comic strip. I've made five episodes of it now and so far, the people who I've showed them to have thought they were very funny so i'm pushing ahead and making more of them. The comic is called 'Little o' and it's about this guy:
He's got a big attitude problem and he hates his creator.
I'll be creating a website with ongoing new strips soon. I hope you'll like.
