Let's see. What's been happening lately? Not much. I'll start at Thursday.
I woke up and I knew that the day wasn't going to go so well. My mum had gotten up too, since it was nearly 12pm and I still hadn't forgotten the little big argument she had had with me days earlier. I didn't feel like talking to her, but nonetheless, she acted like nothing had happened. I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I don't take kindly to being made to feel quite suicidal. She breaks me down.
She asked me about the form she wants me to sign. I couldn't do it though because I couldn't find my bank card so I couldn't put my sort code number on the form. This is a different form to the DLA one by the way. I don't really want to sign this one either. I've signed it, but it's just sitting in the drawer because it needs more details on. I want to tell her i'm not comfortable with signing it, but i'm scared that she'll make me feel like she has done over the last week and I can't handle that.
I left the house feeling extremely depressed. Not the usual depressed I feel, but really, really depressed. I felt ill, both mentally and physically. I didn't feel alive at all. Like something had sapped every bit of energy, life, and happiness out of my body and soul. As the train began to make it's way to town, all I could do was stare at the empty seat opposite me. My thoughts were a mess, and I couldn't concentrate on anything, but they were all the same anyway. They were all negative. They were all telling me that my life was shit and that I wanted to die. Right there and then. I've not felt that depressed in a long, long time. It felt like I was having a relapse of the severe depression I had had in the past, two years ago.
I wanted to cry. I didn't care that I was on the train and there were people around me. I just wanted to cry. I closed my eyes, only to open them a second later. I could feel the tears building just underneath my eye. They were almost breaching my eyelid, till I held them back, knowing that I couldn't...shouldn't...do it on the train.
But God did I want to.
As the train pulled in to my station, I tried to liven myself up. I made the well of tears ready to fall dissapate as I caught the escalator up and as I found the daylight, I tried to forget about how I feeling and try to concentrate on how I could be feeling instead - happy. By the time I reached college, my efforts had been in vain, however, for even when I seen Jamie I made no real attempt to converse with him. I made an attempt to smile as I walked towards him, but I doubt it was noticeable. I said hello and we walked in college together and to the class.
The rest of them soon turned up. Brian, the tutor was late so I sat on the floor. Stan sat opposite me. Everyone was talking to everyone else as always, but I just went into a world of my own. I could hear them talking, laughing, but at the same time, it felt as if I wasn't even there. Like I was somehow looking in on myself.
They decided to go back to the cafe to get a drink while they waited for Brian. I didn't move. The corridoor was once again empty, except for me sitting opposite the classroom door and two other people waiting.
Leanne soon arrived. I made my best attempt at a lively 'hello'. It felt like the hardest thing I'd done all day - it was only 1pm.
Brian soon appeared and let us into the classroom and I began working on the playing cards we've been doing for the past three weeks, only for him to tell us we were doing otherwise today. He said we were going to get to use the digital camera and for the next hour, we were supposed to go out and fill the memory cards with photos. My feelings sank lower. I just wanted to sit there and at least pretend to do some work. I didn't want to go walkabout in the cold, learning how to use a digital camera when I already know how to. Plus, I knew that none of the pictures we'd take would even be used for anything anyway.
There were three cameras, which meant that we had to be in groups. I got paired with Leanne and Ryan. Ryan is the guy who has an attitude problem. Ironic then, that it was to be my turn to not be bothered about anything. Because I really wasn't. I reluctantly followed the two of them out of college and proceeded to walk aimlessly in the cold with them taking pictures of nothing interesting. I felt like going back home. I knew I couldn't, for fear of Brian asking why the week after.
For nearly 90 minutes, we walked. I took a few photos. They took a few photos.
We returned to the classroom and he showed us how to unload the pictures onto the computer. Joy, pictures of nothing.
I once again returned to making my cards. I hadn't talked to any of the guys pretty much at all. I'd been 'happy' to just sit on my own and look at the PC screen and think about how much I didn't want to be there.
By 3:30pm, it was time to go. I asked Brian if I could copy my work onto CD and he went to get me one while I waited. Everyone else had left. No one had waited for me, or said goodbye. I felt left out, but I know it was my own doing. I know it was because of this depression. I hate myself for it.
I left college feeling dead. I made my way back home and returned to these four walls that are my bedroom.
Oh, a girl named Helen began talking to me on MSN on Wednesday. She claimed I'd sent her an email telling her to add me to MSN. I remember doing no such thing. She was insistent, however. I talked to her anyway. Strange.
By the end of Thursday, we'd agreed to meet today (Saturday). Fun fun.
Yesterday (Friday), I went to get my haircut. They charged me �6. That's a lot of money for a haircut. I did have a lot of hair to get rid of, though.
Last night, as I was talking to a few people, including finalising the details of meeting Helen today, my internet connection suddenly terminated itself and I could no longer connect. I paniced, as I needed to sort out the stuff with Helen. No luck.
I picked up the phone to call the support centre, and the phone was dead. Completely dead. Strange.
I went downstairs to tell my mum. I thought perhaps she hadn't paid the bill. I tried the living room phone. Dead.
So I had no internet access for the rest of the night. Have you any idea how so much more lonely it seems when I don't have a connection - albeit a phoneline one - to the outside world? It's fucking lonely. I struggled to find something to entertain me before deciding upon watching The Godather part II. Soon into it, Laura shouted up to me and asked if my digital TV was working - it wasn't. So that meant the internet was dead, the phone was dead, and the tv was dead. I knew it wasn't anything to do with bill paying at that point.
Godfather part II was ok. Confusing at times. I think I liked part I better, with the Godfather, ie Marlin Brando.
I went to bed around 4am, with all intentions of going to town for 1pm to meet Helen, even though it hadn't been truly finalised.
This morning I checked to see if my internet connection was working. It wasn't. However, my mum informed me that the phones were working once more so I took the chance to ring the support line and they informed me that there'd be an outage in the main box in the street and repair crews were on it.
Once I went downstairs, my mum told me that last night police had been called to the box. Apparantly some kids had managed to open it up and cause havoc to not only my internet connection, phoneline and tv, but to pretty much anyone else living in my area. How kind.
So today I went to meet Helen. I wasn't 100% confident that she'd show, because of the fact that I'd disappeared suddenly due to the outage of my internet connection. 1pm came...1pm went. I waited till 1:10pm and then left, because in my mind, I was thinking she wasn't going to show anyway, but I felt an obligation to go just incase.
Instead of just going straight back home, I decided to go buy a nice new long sleeved tshirt from Topman. I now own 2. Yay. I need more.
I returned home once I'd bought that. It took me about an hour to get home instead of 20 minutes due to many train delays, but it's not like I had anywhere else to go so I wasn't bothered.
Once home, I seen the repair crews working on the box outside. Not one, but three vans. That must of been some serious destruction the kids have done.
Thankfully however, my net access was back on. Around an hour after being home, Helen came online.
[16:01:20] Mmmmmpizza(pi): were was u??
[16:02:02] Neil: I was there!
[16:02:08] Neil: I was waiting
[16:02:10] Mmmmmpizza(pi): no u werent
[16:02:16] Neil: I waited till 1:10pm
[16:02:49] Mmmmmpizza(pi): yeah well i was there waitin 4 u 4 ages
[16:02:52] Neil: I thought you didn't turn up because I left last night all of a sudden. That was because there was a power failure.
[16:03:01] Mmmmmpizza(pi): i felt like a prick
[16:03:21] Neil: Damnit :( That sucks :( I'm sorry I didn't see you
It seems as if me and meeting people don't go so well.
Oh well, i'm not too disappointed. I'm sure there will be other times.
And that's where my life's up to currently.
