....

Bleh. Didn't go to college on Tuesday or today. Why? I'm not sure why I didn't go today, but yesterday I simply couldn't be bothered spending three hours in a stuffy room learning absolute simple crap so I chose not to go. Today, however, i'm not quite sure why I didn't go. I went to bed at 2am and had to be up for 7:45am, and yes, I was tired, but I could of gone. I just..didn't. I don't know why.

Tomorrow is multimedia with Brian. I'll go, since the lesson is at 1pm and I'll easily be able to wake up and go.

I'm feeling guilty. I feel as if I get forced into doing the wrong things because if I don't, I get threatened with moving out. No, I haven't filled in the DLA form. It's something else. I feel like i'm trapped between a rock and hard place. If I fill in these kind of forms, then I am commiting fraud. If I don't fill them in, I get threatened and told to move out. How do I deal with that? I get scared of my mum. Scared, because she makes me feel so bad sometimes. I realise she is in debt, but filling in forms to get more money is surely not the right way to go about things. I don't like being used as a means to go about commiting fraud. I thought parents were supposed to teach their children to do the right things? And yet, when I do the right things I get shouted at for it. I don't know what to do.

Actually, I guess I do know what to do. Something I must do is ring the social security place or somewhere and ask them if I am still entitled to be claiming income support while i'm attending college. Apparantly full time education means 21 hours of supervised learning per week. I actually do 19 1/2 - 7 hours Monday, 2hrs 30 Tuesday, 7 hours Wednesday, 3 hours Thursday. What does that mean? I'm not doing full time education? Confusing.

I don't want to even be on income support. I hate being dependant on it. I want a job. But, I don't know whether I can even handle a job. College is enough to deal with currently and even James Riley says that I am not fit enough to handle a job as well. I know I could possibly do a job and not college, but I don't know if I could do both at the same time. Of course, it depends on what the job is. I don't think people take into account my mental health state when they say 'go get a job'. If it I thought it was as easy as that, I really would go and get one, but for me, my mental health needs to come first, before financial issues and people don't really understand that.

I really would love a job. I'd love to have money to do as I wish with. I'd like to simply be able to say I have a job, even if it was something mundane because frankly, anything that requires a lot of responsibility right now, I couldn't handle. I don't want that responsibility. I would be happy packing boxes for a few hours or something. But whether I can even do that is in question. The thought of it terrifies me. I'm trying my best to 'grow up' as quick as I can, because I have a lot of catching up to do, but it takes more time than just a month or two. It might take months, years. And when people tell me to get a life or grow up, it really doesn't help. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like the things that I have achieved are worthless. Like I've made no progress. Yes, I've got a lot of work to do, but how about not rubbing it in? How about supporting my progress instead? It annoys me. It frustrates me. It saddens me.

Liam said that one of his cousins worked at QVC once and got �6-8 an hour for packing. The only condition was that they work 16 hours a week, whenever. I'm skeptical of that. �6 an hour just for packing and flexible hours? It'd be great if it was, because I'd be tempted to do that. It's even better because QVC is about a 15-20 minute walk from my house. I'm not sure how I go about enquiring about it though and what do I say? Do I ring QVC up and just ask for a job or something? Or do I go to the job centre and ask them? Whenever anything like this comes up, my heart starts beating faster and I start panicing because it all goes over my head. It feels like everything is rushing past me and I can't handle it all. It sounds so childish, but I need someone to tell me what to do, and what to do ask/say. If I've never had a job before then how am I going to know how to go about getting one? I don't know what kinds of things you say to get a job. The thought of it all frightens me.

I know that if I were to get a job doing something as mundane as putting stuff in a box or whatever, once I'd started, I'd be fine with going there every day or whatever, but it's the first hurdle that I have to get over first. The applying and going and getting interviewed and stuff. I panic like fuck in those situations. This is why getting myself a job isn't as easy as most people think it is. You're not me. You don't know me. You don't know how I react in those situations. I can tell you now though - badly.

Maybe I will go to the job centre tomorrow and see if there's anything simple I could do. Maybe I won't. My memory is terrible at times and it can totally be forgotten about if i'm not reminded.

I wish I could find some web design jobs. That's easy money. And it's money doing something that I enjoy doing. But it's not like I have companies knocking at my door to give me contracts and I certainly don't know how to go looking for them.

I made a logo for a company called IRCXPro three years ago when they were starting out. They're still using it three years on and IRCXPro is one of the most popular IRC clients you can get. I made it free of charge. A few days ago, upon looking at their website again, I realised just how crap that logo I made is and I set about updating it and then asked Paul (the spokesman for IRCXPro), via Liam (Who knows Paul anyway) if he'd like to use the logo. He said that he didn't like it, so I spend more of my time updating it to a point where he liked it. You can view my (hard) efforts here. He's finally settled on the one you see to your far right of that image. And what was he offering as payment for my kindness? Nothing. I decided to add a price tag of �30 to it, and he agreed and now I feel incredibly cheap, because I know that my logo is worth much more than that. I set such a low price because I didn't think he'd pay any more than that, but Liam said he probably would of and I can hardly increase my price now. So i'm very disappointed, because I know I could of got at least �50-�100 for it. It's worth that. It's worth the time and effort I've spent making and remaking them to his specifications.

I hate the way everything seems to be about money. And the fact that I don't get much back for the services I provide. Maybe it's my own fault. I just hated my first attempt so much though to let them continue using it any longer. I felt ashamed of my work and I wished to correct it, albeit free of charge at first, but after so many corrections, and redesigns, I feel as if i'm entitled to a lot more than just �30. But, now I lose out.

If anyone needs a website making or a few graphics, make sure to let me know, eh?