The reason behind it this time is because I won't sign a form. A form that, in my eyes, would knowingly be commiting fraud.
The form is an application form for DLA. DLA stands for Disability Living Allowance and it's a way to get more money from the goverment if you happen to suffer from a physical or mental illness which you need help with. Now I know that there is no basis for which I should claim this, since I need no help getting about and whatever, but my mum wants me to claim it, because she loses part of her own benefits each week because i'm claiming Income Support in my own name. She goes out of pocket about �30/week or something, and I try to help with that by giving her �65 per two weeks, since that's how often I get the Income Support.
She asked me 30 minutes ago had I read the form. I said yes, and that I wasn't comfortable signing it because I felt as if it would be commiting fraud, and that there are many other people who actually need it, whereas I don't and to claim it would be wrong. She then proceeded to fire up and launch the usual attack on me, about how i'm living in a different world, and how I don't help out enough and how neither her or Laura want me living here no more...
...and how she wants me to move out.
She's said this many times over the past few months so it's no surprise that she's said it again, but with each time she does say it, I feel as if there is more truth behind it and frankly, I want to move out too. She blames me for all the unhappiness in this house. She blames me for well, being me. Her argument is always the same, and my repsonses are always the same. My feable attempt to stand up for myself always goes unnoticed though, and she talks over me or ignores what I say. "If you ask me to do something to help you out, I do it", I say to her. And I would. Any time she does ask, I do. But she never asks, so I assume she doesn't need help. She says she shouldn't have to ask, but it just honestly doesn't occur to me to do the things she is accusing me of not doing. It's not that i'm lazy, or don't want to do it, I just don't think to do it, which is why when asked, I will gladly do it.
I sat in my room, as she continued her rage from the bottom of my stairs. That's the small advantage I had, the fact that I didn't have to speak face to face with her, and I wasn't about to walk down the stairs just to have her dig in to me some more. Throughout all of these rages she does, I never once raise my voice, or act disrespectful to her, yet she does not do me or indeed herself the courtesy of simply keeping her voice at the same level as mine. I am talked at, not to.
"What if I told you that I wanted you to go?", she said. "What if I told you that I couldn't do no more? What if I told you that you have to leave? What then? Because i'm this close to telling you to. And I know you're not happy here. Well neither are we. And this house would be a lot happier if you left."
"But I want to be happy here", I said, trying somehow in the face of all this to make some sort of amicable decisions with her, but no. She carried on for another 10 minutes, which seemed like an eternity of degradation. It's not nice having your mum hate you, when you try to be better in her eyes.
She went to the living room after a while, slamming the door behind her, leaving me shaking slightly, my mouth dry and my heart beating fast. I want to move out as much as she wants me gone.
I'm very scared. I'm fucking frightened. I don't know how I go about finding out these things. I really need some help. Where am I going to live, if I can't live with my supposed 'family'? And then I begin thinking about my internet access. Not because it's a commodity, but because it's my life. The internet is where my friends are. The internet is how I stay sane. Without the internet, I'd have no one to talk to at all, in word form or otherwise.
And then there's Oogee. My poor cat. For I know if I leave, I don't know if I could take him with me, and if I couldn't take him with me, I know my mum and Laura would get rid of him. I can't bear to see him given away. I love him so much. HE is my family. I don't want him ending up with someone else.
So once again, i'm left feeling extremely scared and uncertain about which direction my future is heading regarding living arrangements and all of the complexities which come with that. I feel like crying. I feel like crying so much. I have no one to support me when things like this happen. I have no one to help me stand up for myself, since my mum refuses to believe that there is anything wrong when she has these arguments at me. Not with, at. Because I don't argue with her. It's pointless.
Neil says:
I'm scared.
LIAM says:
I would be too mate, ugh
LIAM says:
I wish i knew what to say to you
LIAM says:
go talk to your nan about it
LIAM says:
im sure she'll be able to help
Neil says:
I'm really going to have to leave soon. And I don't know how or where
LIAM says:
wouldnt your nan take you in?
Neil says:
I don't know.
LIAM says:
maybe you should go talk to her about it..
Neil says:
I don't want to be a burden to someone else.
LIAM says:
shes your nan..
LIAM says:
I dont think she'd see it like that
Neil says:
And my mum is my mum. Like that seems to matter.
LIAM says:
not trying to be nasty neil or rude, but i think theres something up with your mum the way she treats you
LIAM says:
I dont know any other mum that would act like that
Neil says:
It's all my fault in her eyes.
LIAM says:
I think everyone but your mum knows that isnt true
I need support. I need help to get out of here and let my mum and Laura forget about me and be happy without me, if I cause so much trouble. I really, really need help, please.
