And only minutes before finding out this, I said I'd lend her money to go see her boyfriend, because I am nice to her. Why the hell should I be why she can't respect my privacy?
I've already explained how and why I know in a previous entry two or three months ago and I won't go into that again, but yes, after sitting down at the computer, I can tell straight away if Laura's been looking at my diary and tonight, she has.
I did have a barrier in place, since I first found out she was reading it, but it didn't work on this occasion because there was something wrong with the way it was working. It's now in place once more and working. All you can still read it of course, just that she can't.
It makes me so angry and yet, this anger has to be contained. I can't go shout at her, because I have to live with her and it'd only make things worse. I don't particularly want to be even nice to her, but again, not doing so creates tension, which then gets blamed on me!
When something like this happens, I want to move out of this house. Right away. I hate living here. I don't feel part of a 'family'. I don't feel as if I have a say on anything and it seems that even my innermost thoughts aren't something I can keep from them when Laura does not have some deceny to not read this diary. If I found a diary by her, online or offline, I wouldn't read it. At all. I thought this was just common kindness and that most people would do it. Obviously she is not 'most people' and it pisses me off that I can't do nothing about it, other than but the aforementioned block in place, when I shouldn't have to anyway.
I am always the one accused of not showing respect by my mum, for my mum and for Laura, yet if this is the treatment I get, on what grounds do they even deserve it? I try to be nice to both of them. I try to be a fucking son and brother, but it's like it goes unnoticed every single time.
Aside from the diary incident, there are three other incidents I could name just tonight. The first was as I was getting a shower and Laura was on the computer (looking at my diary, of course, which I didn't know till I got out the shower). She had my window open, yet she had the fire on also. Didn't bother me of course, since I was just about to get a shower. However, when I heard her coming down my stairs as I was in the shower, I asked her 'Is my window shut?', so as not to come back to a cold room to get dried in. "No", she replied, and I assumed she'd close it for me. Once out the shower, no window shut. "You didn't close my window", I told her, "Oh. Yeah.", she replied, without any kind of apologetic tone. It's a minor thing, I know, but it's also something that's not exactly hard to do either.
The next thing was when I was doing my homework in the kitchen. Chris, her boyfriend had decided to come here instead of her going there and was in the living room. Laura came out to make tea for him and herself. Is it not common courtesy to ask if someone standing right next to you wants one too? I realise that all I have to do is say 'make me one too please', but I do believe she has never asked me. Ever. But, whenever I make tea and she happens to be around, I make a point to ask her, because it's a courtesy!
The final thing. "Do you want a muffin, Chris?", she asked him. "Yeah, ok", he replied and she proceeded to get it. This didn't actually register with me at first because I was doing my homework, but after a minute, I'd realised that it was MY muffin. Paul, my mum's boyfriend had bought a pack of four and he had given me the last two. Hell, Laura even left them on my desk after taking them from Paul to give to me. I had eaten one and put the last one back in the fridge so I could have it later on. It's not that I even mind the fact that it was Chris who ate it, it's the fact that Laura knew it was mine and did not even bother to ask whether it was ok for him to have it.
Yes, these are minor annoyances. I realise this. However, these annoyances are almost daily and they mount up. Now I have tried to become 'better' at simply being socialable with either Laura or my mum and I feel over the past year I have succeeded in this, however, when I have my privacy betrayed numerous times, and i'm not supposedly worthy enough to even be asked if I'd like a cup of tea, it begs the question, why SHOULD I be socialable if this is the reaction to it?
I need to move out. I really do. The longer I live here, the more I feel as if I lessen my own worth.
Hell, you know, 18 months ago, I was blaming myself for everything that was wrong in this house and you know what? So were my mum and Laura. Doesn't exactly help someone who suffers from lack of self confidence and a history of clinical depression. However, 18 months on, I realise that no, fucking NO. It's NOT all my fault at all and I refuse to take the blame for it all.
Plus, since Paul has been around, I've realised just how damn right I am. You see, Paul frequently stays here overnight for a few nights and it's so very interesting to see how he reacts to the same situations that I have to be put in too from time to time. The overwhelmingly relieving part is that he chooses exactly the same course of action as I would, whether it be in thought, speech, or action. So it's not just me who thinks some of the things my mum/Laura does are wrong. I have someone to back me up, even if he doesn't know how much of a help he is to me.
Infact, as I've said in entries before this one, my Nana is also behind me most of the way on this too. She's often supported my thoughts, even spoken about them to me first, before I mention them. So like I say, it's not just me who thinks living here is hell! And it's a hell I can't escape from any time soon or do anything about because my mum refuses to believe there's even anything wrong on her part, focusing all blame on me constantly. Remember when she came with me to see James Riley? She still wouldn't admit to any fault even though a medical professional was telling her that part of the blame lay with her. Well, he tried to tell her anyway but he couldn't get a word in and the session ran over by twenty fucking minutes. It was amusing seeing his face, as all three of us walking out the room. He turned to me, eyes wide, letting out a big sigh of relief.
That's three people on my side. That's three people telling me i'm right for thinking what I do. That's three people - one of whom is her damn mother! - telling her she's wrong. Will she change? No. Because she thinks everyone is wrong but herself.
And with that, let's move on.
My homework went well tonight. The three text collages. I'm happy with what I've done, even if it took me from 8:30pm till 2am. Yes, 2am. Maybe i'm an incredibly slow worker or maybe it just really does take that long, but damn, that's a long time for three things. I'm glad I completed them though. It means one less thing to do before Monday. It was also the most fiddley of them all. The rest are just drawing, which I'd much rather do.
It's coming up to 4am. Today I got up at 5pm. I'm not doing very well with getting my sleeping times back to 7am am I? I have two days to do it. Possible? I doubt it. I'm hoping there'll be a miracle on Sunday or something to help me out.
Tomorrow, my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to draw two eggs on a piece of paper, using nothing but shading, i.e. no lines can be used. Sounds easy I think, but I know it'll be pretty damn hard. The second part of my homework is to draw something manmade. Most people drew a set of keys, as the project was set in class and most people have a set of keys on them. I guess I'll draw that.
This diary will self destruct in 5 seconds.
