All this disappointment breaks me down that much more. I thought I was getting stronger, but no, not really. I thought college was taking my mind off the fact that i'm so alone, but no, not really. I'm still so so lonely in reality.
I have friends now. And they're all good friends too. They are people I see every day and can talk to face to face. I'd give anything to have my online friends offline though. Even then, I still wouldn't be happy. I need more than friendship. I need love. When there is that someone to care for and be cared for, I feel so much better. A weight gets lifted off me and I feel free inside. And when I don't have that someone, my head, and indeed my heart feel incredibly heavy.
With each disappointment, it hurts that much more. I thought I was becoming numb to all this rejection. I thought I was somehow dealing with it better. But i'm not.
As the night draws on, I feel as if all I want to do is cry. I can't even do that though. The tears just don't come, as much as I actually want them to, which makes me feel more frustrated and shit inside.
On nights like these, I would like nothing better than to be able to have someone here with me. Someone to hug. I need to be held.
I've written this entry so many times in the past. All these words sound so familiar. I've said them so many times.
On nights like these, the suicidal thoughts come back. Just to get away from this life. And all the hurt that i'm accustomed to feeling. I've often wished I wasn't alive. Would anyone miss me? How can anyone miss someone who isn't in their lives to begin with?
I don't feel as if i'm real anymore. I don't have a sense of existance. Everything just seems like I am looking in on it. Never a part of it. A part of being happy. And when I do get a glimpse of happiness, it gets taken away from me soon after, hence the disappointment which I speak of now.
I feel empty inside. I feel as if I have nothing to live for.
Do you think that maybe one day I'll look back on entries such as this one and wish that I knew how happy I'd be in the future? Because I hope I do become happy. Sooner, rather than later. For me, happiness means love. Love means a girlfriend. And girls just don't seem to want me.
I made this to show just how crap i'm feeling right now. The darkness is so true currently. Darkness inside me.
I'm going to bed.
