Where I Fall

"Neil, I know your going to hate me for this and i'm so unbelievably sorry, but I have to tell you something that's been on my mind for a couple days, I really don't want to be with you anymore. I know it's really bad of me to do this by email but I really couldn't face doing this any other way. I still really care for you and I really couldn't bear to hurt you, but I know I have to do this now for both our sakes. It's not good being in a relationship where you can only see the other person once a week. Also it's not good the fact I have to lie to my friends just so we can be together. It puts so much pressure on me and I really don't need anymore pressure right now. I understand if you don't wish to talk to me anymore but when you do feel like talking to me I promise i'll be there. I'm really really sorry Neil, and I really do appreciate all the love you've shown me over our couple of weeks together,lots of love Alice XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
P.S I know I have no right to ask this but I'd really appreciate it if this email didn't end up in your diary."

Figures. Sucks to be me. Again.

"Hi,

I think it's pretty low that you done this by email. I would of appreciated at least being told by you on MSN, or perhaps on the phone. To do it by email just makes it that much more crap.

If you cared for me, you wouldn't of done it this way.

Ok, so it's not the best of situations to be in, where we can only see each other once a week, but I thought we were putting that aside and concentrating on the fact that we really liked each other. I really liked you anyway. Guess that care isn't returned as much as I would like it to be, though.

I'm not going to ask you to change your mind. I'm not going to plead with you to meet me again. It's obvious you don't want to. Over the three times we seen each other, you made me feel like my life was finally getting to be complete because I really did like you, Alice. And, like always, it's once again been taken away from me. See? I told you. This is the way it happens. People give me a taste of happiness, only to take it away from me. You said you wouldn't do it. I knew you would in the end. And you wonder why I was so appreciative of you liking me. Because I knew this would happen in the end. I knew you'd end up not wanting to see me again. I only wish it was a little further down the line this time. To finally feel a little happy for a while. But no, I guess not.

I don't hate you. I don't feel anything but disappointment towards you. Once again, my hopes were raised to the point where I thought 'hey, she's different. She won't leave me'. Wrong wrong wrong.

So I hope that now you don't have the pressure of having me in your life, you feel better. I hope you find happiness with someone who you can see more often and don't have to lie to your friends about. That's all I ever wish for anyone. Happiness. Just wish someone would give me some for a change.

Take care, Alice. I wish the best for you.

Neil"

Because I do wish the best for her. Like I do with anyone. Doesn't change the fact that I feel hurt. Quite a lot. But then that's the usual for me.

I am sorry that I put your email in my diary against your wishes Alice, but this diary is my life and I have to record everything in here. I think what you are afraid of is that other people will see what you've written, but I write this diary for me and that's the only reason why I put it here. For me.

So once again, Neil gets dumped. I show her all the care in the world, but I can't change how much we saw each other. The things I have no control over are always the downfall of me. I'm not violent, I don't cheat on people, I don't treat them badly...still I end up being the one who's dumped. Good nature seems to be a bad thing when it comes to me.

You know, I was quite looking forward to ending The Book of Neil on MSN with a happy ending. How I fool myself.