They told me about what they do and how they can help me. They said that they can help me find courses and simply getting out more..or something. I wasn't listening to half of it because I'd heard it all before from so many other people who hadn't helped. In conclusions, I have an appointment at their office on Tuesday. Woo.
I recieved a letter yesterday regarding my benefit payments from the DWP. Now, they want an explanation of how I've supported myself over the past six months without benefits. Basically, they are still trying to discredit my claim. It's pissing me off. So, another phonecall to John at MIND it seems.
Lisa was telling me last night about how she adores this guy she knows. And I was feeling very confused about what she wanted from me too and every time I want to try to make sense of it, I stray away from it, because I don't know how to word it. But, I tried last night.
I have been confused over whether she wants me as more than a friend or not for a while. Just that, sometimes, she says things and does things that make me feel as if she likes me as more than a friend.
"You and me are fine as we are. We're friends."
I guess in a way I feel like I have either been misled or whether it is entirely my fault and I have misinterpreted. Either way, I feel really, well, let down. Because I thought maybe there was finally someone who I actually wanted in my life who wanted me in theirs as something other than a friend, I feel really disappointed to know that there actually isn't, especially because it's Lisa, one of only two people who I actually want in this world.
I sat there for a while, with the chat box open, attempting to say something, only to delete it and think more. I had an open chat window open for 10 minutes, typing and deleting things. I wanted to let my disappointment and hurt and sadness be known, because what I had been thinking wasn't right. But no, I decided not to.
But of course, you read my diary, Lisa and from what I've said you'll know how much I really thought that you might of wanted me as more than a friend. It's hard not to think so with what happened. But I know you don't see it that way. I also know that you might not even read this, since when you get back from holiday two weeks will have passed and I don't think you're one to read through my archives. In any case, I need to let my feelings out one way or another and my diary is the only place I have. I thought you liked me as more than a friend. I guess I was wrong and it disappoints me. A lot.
Hana cheered me up gradually throughout the night, talking to me till about 6:30am this morning. I felt my mood lift and though I know that tomorrow is another day and I will no doubtedly feel just as alone as I did last night, at least you made me forget about it a bit for a few hours by being there to talk to. So, once again, I can only thank you once more.
I was talking to Katie early in the day yesterday. She told me that she prays for me every morning. I asked her if any of her prayers had been answered and she said in small ways they had. I really don't feel like they have though. If anything, I feel like my overall mood is degrading further. Further into the depths of loneliness. God only knows how many times I've actually used that word. Loneliness. Lonely. Alone.
Too many times.
6 months ago, I began thinking about when my life will change. I do that all the time of course, but 6 months ago, for some reason, August kept coming up. For some reason, even 6 months ago I felt as if August would hold something important for me. I don't know what. I would like it to be someONE, as I told Hana, but like I also said, if it isn't someone, then I may miss the important thing because i'm focusing on trying to find someone moreso.
It's August 1st today. There are 31 days in August. 31 days for this 'premonition' to come true. It'd be extremely weird if something important did happen.It'd also be extremely nice. So August, I hope you bestow your luck on me this month. I know i'm gonna need it.
