Everyone I speak to seems to be in a relationship of late. Everywhere I look. It hurts. Everyone else seems to have the only thing that I want, but can't find. It hurts to the point of wanting to cry and I can't cry over it, because my body doesn't let me cry for some stupid reason, making me want to more.
I'm so lonely.
I was laying on my bed before, thinking about the people I talk to online and I realised that everyone is moving on. They're all growing up. They've all got good social lives. They don't depend on the internet. I realised that there isn't anyone no more who I get excited about when their name pops up. I used to have, but no more. The same people who I did get excited about are still on my list, but the relationship between us doesn't seem to be there no more.
I have 27 people on my list. Of that, I would consider around 5 close friends, but even so, as I said, there's no spark no more. It's saddening. I come online every day, log onto MSN and for what? There's no one who I have long chats with no more. No one who really needs me in any way. Not that they ever did. I feel useless and redundant to everyone. You don't need me. It hurts.
I went to see James today. It was your average session. I asked him about my money though and he said he'd speak to MIND about it. I hope he does, soon.
Someone give me something to look forward to. Just something I can say "I can wait to do this" to. I have none of those things. I can't even say "I love talking to this person" no more, since there isn't anyone who I feel as if I have a special connection with no more. Maybe i'm slipping away from them. Maybe they are from me. Either way, i'm becoming lonelier than I thought possible and it's a scary place to be so alone.
You know who you are. The people who i'm talking about, you know who you are. I guess i'm sorry that things just don't seem the same no more. I want them to be. But, like I said, I guess you just have real lives, which of course, take precedent over this net life. Sadly, this net life is all I have. This is my life, and it's not much one of either, I know.
Intimacy. Someone to wrap my arms around. Someone to kiss. Someone to say "I love you" to. Someone who will hold me. Someone who will let me hold them.
No one.
