And then there's another girl, who i'm apparantly meeting on Sunday. Charlotte, 14 from Liverpool.
But, as I've said to Lisa tonight, why am I doing this? It's not what I want.
What I said to Lisa: "But really, i'm beginning to just forget it all. I don't want this. I want more than just a bit of fun. I mean you know that as well as I do. I'm just realising that this isn't what I want..what I need. And yet, I know I'll probably end up doing it anyway."
"I'm becoming this shallow person which i'm hating. Yet, as I said, I know if some nice looking girl comes along, but she's not got a great personality too, i'm still gonna fool around with her if she wants to too. I'm just at a loss these days for company. A bit of intimacy, on any level."
It's been so damn long since I was able to say 'I love you' to someone. Actually say it. Hear myself say the words. I yearn to say them. I want someone to love. Not fool around with. But until I find someone to love, I know that i'm gonna fool around, even though part of me doesn't even want to. I'm just clawing at anyone who shows me a bit of interest, whether they're right for me or not and of course, 100% of the time, they're not.
Girlfriend girls aren't in surplus it seems.
Every day I wake up and I try so very very hard to think of the next 'big' thing that I can look forward to so that even though this day may be so very boring, I can still have something to keep my hopes up. Yet there is nothing. Nothing. Nothing that I can say 'i'm so excited about this'. Sure, I could look forward to meeting Charlotte, but when you're 100% sure that it's not what you need, it becomes a mute point.
Lisa suggested going back to college. College? For a fourth time? I don't know. There's not even anything that I particularly want to do, or at least, courses that they'd actually let me on without any GCSE's. Psychology would be good, but it's very unlikely that they'd let me on.
I'm in desperate need of money. I've never had �0 before, let alone -�28. I pay interest on that too so it's gonna go up till I can deposit money. I figured out why it is in the red too, since my statement came today. It was almost sickening to see �1500 at the top, and -�28 at the bottom of page 3. I was such a fool to gamble most of it away. I doubt I'll have that much money again for a long time.
As you can see from this entry, my life sucks.
