I'm sorry if I've said anything to make you think you are a bad friend.
*sigh*
In other news, after giving out my ip address, it seems someone tried to be clever and search the files I have hosted for porn. Quite clever, whoever done that, but also, quite silly if you think i'm gonna store porn where someone can access it as easily as you.
However, it's not like I have anything to hide. I mean, if you wanted porn from me, all you have to do is ask and I'll gladly upload some for you, but it's not like you need to look far to find some.
Also, http://openme.co.uk/yourstuff will work, along with the new ip address. It's a domain name Liam kindly bought me, which I intend to use at some point for a website, if I could just get round to getting a book cover for my little project.
Also, thankyou to Ferris for the information you sent me via email.
Oh and one other thing, someone from over at Girls Suck left me a private guestbook message. A very long one at that. I'm at a loss why. The guestbook message is also displayed on their site. If the writer of the Girl's Suck is reading this, I'd appreciate knowing more.
As Uma point out to me a few days ago, my entries have been a lot less thoughtful than they were say, two years ago. Personally, I think that's a good thing, as it means i'm not dwelling on negative stuff so much no more. I'm hoping that that's progress in terms of overcoming my depression.
I have another appointment with James on Thursday. I don't really have much to talk to him about this week, since I only seen him last week as well. He asked me to think about what sort of job I'd like, but I really don't know. I also have a want to go to Careers Advice, which would well, as the name says, give me advice about a career. I DO want a job. I really do. But, I know that if I didn't find one that I was truly comfortable in, I'd only quit it after a very short period.
It seems as if everyone is getting a job recently. Even Rachel did. Can't remember as what. Lisa's apparantly getting a job as a hairdresser too. I feel like i'm being left behind and not just things relating to a job, life in general. People are growing up, moving on, yet I still remain here, writing in this diary for more than two years now. I'm still in the same room, still in the same position. Though as I said, I know i'm making progress, i'm not making progress quickly enough. I don't want it to take another two years or whatever to get to the point where i'm in a good job and I have friends and such.
The such being a girlfriend.
Ah the one thing in this life that I would truly love. A girlfriend. Someone to care about and love. The people who I may like, however, don't like me back in the way I would like them to.
Lisa. Hana. Robyn.
Lisa, because she is so very much like me and I feel very very close to her. I feel as if I can tell her anything. She has an interest in art and song lyrics. She considers me a good friend too. We trust each other. I'd like to think we're best of friends. However, I would love to be more than friends with her, because I know I could make her happy. Sadly, she's not willing to risk the loss of a good friendship, which wouldn't happen, but she's too unsure about it and so I've accept the fact that I will just always be a good friend to her, which I always will. I promise you that, Lisa.
Hana, though I've only known her for pretty much less than a week, is so very very much like me. It's quite scary how much we've been able to discover about each other in such a small amount of time. It's also amazing the fact that she thinks i'm 'wonderful', I think is the word she used. We've already made plans to meet and she seems just as obsessive about long hugs as I do. And the problem about us not being able to be together? Namely the fact that she has a boyfriend. Also, the fact that she lives in London and that's hardly a viable relationship anyway. Still, just like Lisa, I now consider Hana one of my best friends.
I'll be honest about Robyn, in saying that the only reason I include her in my small list of people who I like, is because I fancy her. The personality thing hasn't truly been assessed yet, although she writes songs and has a passion for art. Infact, just like Lisa and Hana. Very strange. Robyn is 15 and she's actually a friend of Rachel's, who Rachel introduced me to. We get on well, though it's not 'best friendage' between us, like it is between Lisa and Hana. As I say, most, if not all of my like for her is based on physicalities, not personality. And the reason she's a no too? Because just like Hana, she has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who she only sees once a month at that.
It's very frustrating being told that you're liked by someone, yet not being able to be with them. It's almost as if they're lying when they say that they like me, but I know they're not. It just hurts when everything is in place, but the two of us aren't in the same place together.
And so I keep searching for someone who is, turning people like Lisa and Hana into extremely close friends who I will always have a special bond with.
When I do find 'the one', I'll have a special bond with her too. It'll be the same kind of relationship I have with Lisa and Hana. However, as I said in a previous entry, it seems as if being the nicest you can and caring about people, gets you their friendship, and discards any chance of being in a relationship with them. "You're really lovely"..."I think we should stay friends". It's almost a contradiction in my eyes.
How am I doing for one of my thoughtful entries?
One final note is that I got my erotic diary reinstated. Yes, I have an erotic diary. It's called Mind, Body, Soul. It was all written at the time I was still going out with Claire. The first 6 entries are all one story, written over a few weeks, to do with me and her. It's all fictional though.
I actually done a word count on that story and it come to 7500 words. Not bad surely?
The newest (though it's actually months old now) story is Eyes Wide Shut-esque and when i'm feeling up to it, I'll add part two of it. I'm sure you're waiting with your pants down, ready.
