I am happy that they are both happy in their little world of small talk, but, it annoys me when they expect me to join in with it and when I refuse, become the centre of unsocialable behaviour. Maybe I deserve that title but forgive me, talking about 'they said it's going to snow tomorrow' is not my idea of socialising.
Also, though I've only noticed it lately, it has been happening for a very long time. Recently, I realised that my mum acts very differently towards me than she does to Laura and even Paul. For example, to Laura, she'll say 'Hello love', whereas she'll say 'Hello Neil' in sometimes a quite bored voice. At first, I thought it was just me being paranoid again, but then as a test I listened for her talking to other people and it's a much friendlier tone than she ever takes with me. This only proves that the relationship with me and my mum is no doubt gone forever.
It's not like that with everyone though, strangely. I mean, I don't get the sense of boredom (that's probably the wrong word really) from Laura or from my Nan. Infact, I feel so much closer to my Nan than I do with my mum, even though I may not see her as much or indeed, even tell her much if anything at all, yet she still seems much more caring.
A lot of the time, I know my mum thinks that i'm just a lazy, selfish child who doesn't do a thing and if I was in her position, I'd probably think the same. However, i'm in my position and I know that those opinions of me aren't true. They're not. I swear they're not. Most of the time, I feel tired both physically and mentally and so I resort to hiding myself away in my room and because this is the norm for me now, that's how everyone is used to me. However, on rare days, I might have some untapped strength from somewhere. Some moments of happiness and for those moments, I feel as if I can do anything. Talk to people, help out, laugh, smile. For those few hours I feel as if my depression is no longer with me. But of course, even though i'm willing to be the Neil people once used to know, they are so used to seeing someone else that they no longer hold any candle for the old one and so my strength goes to waste and I return to darkness.
I missed my appointment with James yesterday. I completely forgot about it. He's given me another one for Thursday which I intend to go to and I also intend to ask him where things are going. I need some kind of action plan.
My mood still isn't lifting from last week. The emotions are still severed. I know it might be trivial to you, but i'm surprised just how little I've begun to use emoticons and 'lol's. It all reflects my mood.
My migraine is gone, but it's really taken its toll on me this time. Currently, my head feels..strange. It's not sore, but it isn't right. I may end up going back to bed soon for a few hours. This isn't right.
According to Human For Sale i'm worth $1,266,704. I found it ironic that out of everyone else I know who took the survey, I was worth the least. The closest to me was $400,000 away.
Told you i'm not worth much.
Oh, one other point of reference is that someone mentioned me on haters. I'm sorry to whoever it was that felt the need to that. I know it was someone I know.
1:44pm
