Sometimes I re-realise just how crap my life is. About how I am only alive because i'm breathing, not because of anything else, ie, a proper life. Living, but dying inside.
No one understands my want for love. I wish I didn't want it so much, but I do. I can't find anything I enjoy. I don't know how to be happy without love.
Everyone around me seems to either be in a relationship, or just getting into one. The people who do happen to like me and me like them back have a strange tendency to live thousands of miles away. Like Munich.
And it's beginning to really hurt me. Hurt me, in the fact that it really does seem like nobody wants me. That's how it feels. That I am unwanted as anything more than a friend. That no one wants to take a chance on me being anything else. I can be both. I can be a good friend to you and have a relationship with you. But no, no one will give me the oppurtunity to prove it and so I sit here and write this out to myself, wishing someone would read it and tell me it's not true.
This really gets to me lately. The fact that I am so single, whether it be in girlfriend terms or indeed friendship terms. Yes, I have my best friend Katie, but I need more than one friend who is in Ireland. I need people to socialise with and go places with. Even then, though, I wouldn't feel like I was enjoying anything. As I said, the only thing that I feel as if I enjoy is loving.
I know someone is bound to be thinking that I only think this because I had it once and now I want it back, but no, that's not the case, as I've always felt like this, even before that relationship happened. I've always known that, if I am in a relationship then I am happier. A lot happier. Being out of love leaves me empty.
There is no one that will love me.
8:46pm
