You've got no idea what I wouldn't give for some company right now. Someone to talk to. A hug. A kiss? Anything, just not this. This is too much to take right now, it's too much of nothing. I'm sick and tired of nothing. It's all I ever have. Never something, always nothing.
And my 'n' key is just about fucked up permanently.
Someone asked Lisa out today, apparantly. She said she got asked out when she was getting her hair cut. She said yes. Meeting him next week. Jealousy swept through me with ease. Jealousy. Dissapointment. Sadness. Lonliness.
I can't help it. I try not to get my hopes up because they always end up being torn down and this is just another example of why hope is absolutely pointless when it comes to me. It never works.
I've felt like crying all night. I really wish I could let these feelings out in the form of tears now and again when I want to, but they never come and it only makes me feel even worse.
No one. No one to call a friend. No friends to call.
Chris is here too (Laura's boyfriend). They're both in her room together watching a movie. Jealousy. Last night I had the 'pleasure' of hearing my mum having sex with someone. Great huh? All of it rubbing it in all the more.
I think my life is over before it's even began. I think i'm going to die young out of a broken heart. A lonely heart. That's not being dramatic either. I can feel myself dying from within already, both mentally and pysichally. I have a weak body and a broken mind and soon enough it will no doubt be a broken body too. This is truly like a living death. I have nothing to be alive for. No one to care about, who needs me, who might be interested in me in form of friends, girlfriend, hell, even family. My family don't need me. Sure, they'd grieve should I ever not be around, but i'm not irreplaceable, since there's nothing to replace me for. I'm not an important part of anyone's life.
I don't know how much longer I can keep fooling myself that things will get better soon, before I just stop trying at all and let depression really sweep over me once more. If nothing changes, it will do. It will do.
I don't care what anyone says, I can't just do this on my own. I need help and not help in the medical sense either, like I've said. Friendship help.
I can feel myself shutting down inside. Systems going offline. Hope, offline. Strength, offline.
Happiness...never existed.
1:30am
