We watched the second hour of U-Turn and I thought it was a really good film. The ending was perfect. In a week or two, Alan is going to give us an assignment and that will count towards our exam. 1200 words on it we have to do. I'm worried.
After the lecture was over, I began walking out. "Good job, Neil" I heard Alan say, with a pat on my shoulder. "What?" I said, with a very confused tone of voice, but he didn't hear me. It felt nice to be appreciated anyway and it wasn't in a patronising way either for once like he usually does.
Then it was lunch. I just went the library, as usual. Wes shortly joined me and while he redid his notes on the lecture, I read a book on psychology.
I think that would of been a good course to do actually - Clinical Psychology. I bet I wouldn't of been able to do it though because I don't have any qualifications. Still, since I have at least an hour free every day, maybe I could read the entire psychology book (which is the standard book for AS Level Psychology) and I'd know it all anyway, or at least the important parts, which would be cool.
After lunch, we had a two hour lesson with Gary. Gary takes us for sound. He showed us how the sound system works and as informative as it was, it started to bore me from the start because he wasn't really telling us to do anything, rather just saying 'have a go'. Of course, there's around 7 people and only one computer so naturally, I didn't get a go.
For the last 20 minutes of the lesson, I just sat back and daydreamed. I looked at Lauren when she couldn't see me. Better than daydrea..no, actually, it's not - With daydreaming I can imagine wrapping my arms around her and having her smile at me and all the nice things like that. Instead, I can't even manage a decent conversation with her. I don't think she likes me much. I think she thinks i'm some sort of 'typical goth'.
"Why?"
The main reason is because of the way she talks to others. She's not once initiated communication with me, but does it fairly frequently with other people. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong to her. She has to notice how little she communicates with me though. She has to. It's so visible to me. I try to talk to her but as I've said, it's all one worded or one sentenced things. Nothing to hold a conversation. I can tell she doesn't like me in an attractive way. I don't think she likes me much as a friend either.
Although I said that Chloe left, she's still in film studies, which is a lesson we have twice (or three) times a week. She's got a lovely smile and seems very shy. I want to tell her she's got a lovely smile. Why can't I? What stops me? I've no idea. It's not like it's fear of rejection since I haven't asked her nothing. It can't be because I've said something awkward because it's a simple compliment. I feel fear of something though.
Lauren reminds me a lot of me. The way I don't (usually) initiate conversation. The way I don't have much to say. The way I hang back from the rest of the class. I want to be let in and get to know her, but I doubt she will. Whether it's because of the same reasons I keep myself to myself who knows. I don't think it is though. I just think she doesn't want to know me.
I always look like i'm sad, which can't be good. I think it's because I've smiled so little.
In the lesson with Gary at the end as I said, I just sat back and daydreamed. No one sees me doing it since they're all getting on with whatever. However:
"You alright there?" Wes turned around and said. "Yeah", I replied in a chirpy tone. I wasn't feeling alright though. I was feeling fairly depressed and bored. I was pondering on things, mainly the fact that in a crowd of people who are friendly, I feel alone, and the one who I want to know the most doesn't want to know me. Such is life.
What Wes said may not seem much, but to me it actually meant quite a lot. It showed some consideration from someone and it really caught me off guard. It surprised me. It surprised me that someone could give a damn about me, even if it was just a simple comment like that. I appreciate things like that so much. It gives me a sudden small boost of self confidence, even if it may be for a few seconds.
I'm seeing James Riley tomorrow. He rang yesterday to confirm my appointment and to see how I was. I just said I was ok, but I wasn't really communicating well in college. He said blah blah blah and that blah blah blah blah will blah blah and blah, blah being the generic stuff he says to me all the damn time.
"Why go and see him then?"
Even though most of what he says is utter crap, he is someone to offload on. Someone to talk to face to face.
Someone to cry to.
I have no one else.
Without James, I'd only bottle up even more of the words and feelings that I express here every day. Even with the 'help' of James, I feel lonely and shit most of the time. I don't want to feel any moreso.
Excuse me while I dissapear...
4:27pm
