Well, why not.
I've messaged three or four people so far, but of course, since it's gone 2am now, no one is about to reply any time soon. I am hoping that this girl may reply. I think she has such a great smile. I found myself smiling back at her.
Something I've just noticed. They don't give you the oppurtunity to tell everyone your name on here. Strange.
�17 for one month's membership. �17 for a possible love. Strange isn't it, you have to pay to find a relationship (if you're going to do it this way of course).
Back to yesterday then, since I didn't update...
I woke up at 1pm because I needed to ring and confirm my appointment with James Riley, however, once I'd gone downstairs, my mum said she'd already rang and that I didn't have one so after an hour or two on the computer, I decided to go back to be, only to hear my mum talking to James about 30 minutes later.
She shouted me but I didn't answer because I was trying to go to sleep and I thought she was gonna want me to get the phone or something.
A few minutes later, my mum went into Laura's room. "That was James Riley on the phone", she said to Laura "He did have an appointment today. I rang the wrong department. James said he'll see him on Friday at 2pm."
I was 'looking forward' to seeing James, because I'd almost wanted to prove him wrong about me feeling any different about everything with Claire. I was dissapointed, but since I'd heard I had another appointment, I eventually fell asleep for two hours.
When I woke up at 7pm, Laura wanted to go on the computer so she did and I went downstairs. My mum told me what she'd told Laura about my appointment.
"He also said to me 'How is Neil?'", she said to me, imitating his voice.
"Well, how am I supposed to know if you don't tell me?". She said it lightly, and without that demeaning voice she usually does.
"I just said 'I don't know, he's always in his room' to him".
"Most of the time I don't know how i'm feeling", I replied, even though I knew exactly how I was feeling and have been feeling for the past two months.
After that nothing was said about it and 'normality' continued on.
As the night draw on, I felt my mood slipping. Dropping lower from how it had been when I'd first woken up. The day had started quite level, not feeling too bad and those days are the ones I cherish, since it means I don't have to go through a day of hell. However, that wasn't to be.
Around 9/10pm I began to feel my mood pass sadness and into depression. The kind of depression that makes me want to end it all right there and then. Of course, I am not suicidal, so when I say 'end it all' that doesn't mean i'm about to put a noose round my neck. It does mean, though, that I want some way out. Somewhere where I don't have to feel like that.
Although I was talking to people online at this time, I wasn't really talking to them. It was the random sentence here and there. Nothing that would comprise of a conversation.
I was talking to Natalie as well. I told her how I was feeling and that I was also feeling very lonely. Natalie got angry at me because of this because she thinks i'm too needy when it comes to wanting someone and she's probably right. Since I wasn't really in the mood to try and back myself up, I said I didn't feel like talking. She asked whether maybe we had nothing left to say and I didn't reply, simply because I just wasn't in the mood to do so. I didn't talk to anyone else much. I just continued to work on my new website until I found myself becoming blind which means there is a migrain coming on any time soon.
I left the computer and went to bed around 1am, only to wake up again at 4am, my head pounding like it does only too often. I tried to go back asleep for 30 minutes, but since that wasn't working, I decided to go get some paracetmol.
I came back to bed and finally got asleep. I woke up throughout the night, tossing and turning. I managed to sleep all the way through till 4pm which is quite bad even for me.
So, a night of depression and migrain. When I look back, I don't think I'll have many good teenage thoughts.
I honestly can't think of many at all. I mean putting aside Claire, there is nothing that I can think of that I think has been a good thing for me. I'm really trying to think of something right now, but nothing is coming.
Maybe i'm only allowed one good thing per year.
Hopefully I'll prove that wrong with this udate.
Hopefully
2:31am
