I can't help but think about the time I had with Claire. I keep replaying the first time we met in my head. I can't stop it.
I wonder to myself, does she ever think about me? I know the answer is probably no. Claire will have forgotten about me a long time ago.
I think about how nice it was to just cuddle up to each other. To feel loved. To feel. I know I'll never have her back, but I still love her, no matter what she's done to me. I still love her. It hurts. It fucking hurts.
My head is full of the time we spent together and my heart is aching because there it is no more. I feel so frustrated. I am nothing but nice over the time we were together and I am the one who gets hurt the most. That's cruel.
I can't help but still love her, even though as long as I do, I will continue to suffer.
No one knows how much this affects me. I still feel a hole inside me.
I've had enough time to stop feeling like this. Why do I still feel it?
I don't think I have grieved. I haven't cried over it, or done something about it to make it seem easier. I've wanted to cry. I've wanted to cry every day since this happened and I do mean every day. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her and feel like crying.
The only time I have cried is when I saw James last. It's having someone there to talk to that allows me to open up and let my feelings come out. Without this, they just stay inside and I continue to feel heart broken.
Right now, I feel like crying a lot. It never comes though, never. It makes me feel worse because I can't. I've said this so many times. So many times because I feel like this so often.
I guess I'll go back to bed now. No doubt think more, even though I don't want to. I don't have a choice. It stays at the front of my mind.
I feel sick. Emotionally sick. Like i'm about to throw up all of my feelings. I know I'd feel so much better if that were possible, but no.
This is what the loss of love does to me. It's not right. It's not fair. I don't want it. Take it away. Take the damn heartbreak away, please.
5:07am
