It's my mum's birthday today. I bought her a Chinese ornament and Laura bought her one too. I don't like them.
I think I have an appointment with James tomorrow. Not sure though. I can't find my appointment card so I'll have to ring up. I don't have much to tell him really. I feel exactly the same as when I last spoke to him and I will no doubt break down crying again.
He thinks that I'll be managing better since I last spoke to him. He's very wrong, though I wish he was right. God, do I wish he was right.
My days are empty. The only thing I have to look forward to is a TV program here and there. They're my 'highlights'. How sad is that? The only thing I have to look forward to is something on TV. It shouldn't be like that.
I've said it before though, college is my only hope. I'm hoping with what little hope I have left that college will help me both make friends and perhaps meet someone who is more than a friend. This is the only place I can think of that I'll have as good a chance of meeting people my own age.
Having said that, I still haven't rang up and asked to see someone about going back to college. I don't know why not. It's less than a month now till college starts and i'm still not enrolled on any course and that's very very worrying. I have to go to college. If I don't, I will have no alternative but to get a job, and a job isn't something I particularly want if it comes to a choice between that and college.
I know it's probably just me, but it feels as if everyone around me is finding that someone special. Even my sister has her person (except I'll be surprised if that lasts more than a month), along with my mum.
I could ask "Why don't I?". "Why am I the only one who is alone" and of course your answer would no doubt be "It takes time. You'll find her in time". Yeah, well when it comes to this, I find it extremely hard to be patient, since having someone to love makes me feel better. It makes me feel a lot less depressed. It's like a medication.
Now, you could also say it's not right to want someone so much, but why not? It's just the same as wanting a good job, friends, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong in wanting someone as much as I might do, so long as it's not dependancy that's the main want. I don't want dependancy. I just want someone to love. I want to feel needed by someone.
Need. Nobody needs me. If I weren't here, nothing would change. People might miss me for a bit, but only because I filled that empty space. I don't mean anything to no one. I'm sure you're thinking "you mean a lot to your mum and your family". I question that, though. Of course they love me and whatever, but I have nothing to contribute that is worth anything to them.
I see how my mum and Laura get on. How they laugh and joke with each other. I don't have that with them. There's them and there's me. Maybe it's just because they're female and I don't particularly want to talk about clothing or whatever else. I sense that that's not it though. I'm just not like them, which is why they don't need me, which is why I am not of worth to them.
When I look further afield to see if anyone needs me outside my family, all I see is nothing. There is no one who needs me outside my family either, simply because there's no one to begin with. This is exluding the numerous people I talk to online of course, but even then, they're just online friends. If I were to go, my place would be filled easily. Infact, it probably wouldn't need to be filled at all, since I don't offer anything worth replacing to begin with.
I'm just another face in the crowd.
8:00pm
